We human beings are always "expecting." In other words, we are always having expectations. Lots of expectations. Some we are consciously aware of. Many others, we are not.

Expectations are always there, however, in the background of our daily experiences. Whether we are attuned to them or whether we are oblivious to them--which too often is the case--our expectations come into play in a multitude of subtle ways.

Why focus on expectations? The main reason is that expectations are a common source of stress in our lives. They frequently create all sorts of mischief, including emotional distress, relationship conflicts, communication breakdowns, misunderstandings, distrust, and a wide range of other common problems.

Expectations produce stress in two main ways. One is that they are frequently untrue or unrealistic. The other is that most of the time, we are completely unaware of them. Individual expectations are not very complicated. They often consist of simple ideas such as "life should be fair," "people should be honest," etc. It's the fact they are hidden from our view that gives them so much power over us.

When we consciously or unconsciously harbor expectations that are much too high, we set ourselves up for failure. As a result, we end up feeling frustrated, angry, and personally demoralized.

On the other hand, when our expectations about ourselves, about life, or about others are too low, we experience decreased self-expression, underachievement, depression, resignation and diminished self-esteem.

When you become consciously aware of your hidden expectations, however, this can free you from being dominated by them. You can look at a specific expectation such as "Life should always be fair" and ask yourself "is this really true?" When you pause to think about this question for a moment, you will often see things in a much more accurate light.

Of course life isn't fair. Tornados aren't fair. Street muggings aren't fair. Death isn't fair. Betrayals aren't fair.

The point is, once you become aware of an untrue or unrealistic expectation, YOU gain the power to free yourself from it.

It's really just that simple. But "simple" doesn't always mean "easy"--unless, that is, you have the expectation that it does! It's one thing to become aware of your unconscious expectations. It's quite another to know which ones are realistic and which ones aren't. This takes wisdom, yet most people have far more wisdom than they usually give themselves credit for.

Let's take a look at some common types of stress in our lives to see how frequently expectations are involved:

Many of our moods and emotions are intimately tied to our expectations. If you frequently expect bad things will happen, you will probably feel demoralized or depressed. If you expect something horrible or dangerous to happen to you, you may feel frightened, anxious or worried. And when people fail to live up to your expectations about them, you can easily feel annoyed, disappointed, angry, or sad.

Positive, hopeful expectations can lead to positive emotions as well. Optimism, enthusiasm, confidence, and contentment are all maintained, in part, by persistent, positive expectations.

Love is a good example of positive, but sometimes unrealistic, expectations. When people fall in love, they are often temporarily overcome by positive, euphoric emotions. This intense positive emotional state often leads people to believe that all is fine and that their future is bright. When the realities of love, commitment, and relationships emerge, however, people are frequently caught off guard. As a result, they tend to suffer and their relationships sooner or later become strained.

Expectations play other roles in relationship conflicts as well. Whenever we form a relationship with another person, we almost always have expectations about how both we and that person should think, feel, and behave. When these expectations are violated, stress can occur.

Friendships, for example, are based upon a mutually understood set of expectations. We expect our friends to be loyal, honest, and trustworthy. We expect they will never try to hurt us or harm us intentionally, and that they will always be responsive to us when we are in need.

When people who profess to be our friends don't behave in these ways, we feel angry and betrayed. Perhaps they were never our friends at all. Perhaps they were only out to use us. But our faulty expectations may have caused us to perceive them as being more committed to true friendship than they really were.

Marriage is another hotbed for hidden, unrealistic expectations. Most men and women have deep-seated ideas about how each sex should behave in a picture-perfect marriage. Often these expectations are not fully conscious, nor are they completely acknowledged and communicated between spouses. When one spouse begins violating the expectations of the other, however, an all too familiar negative spiral of disappointment, retaliation, and resentment can ensue.

These expectations are endless in number. The important things to know about them are: 1) they are usually unconscious and therefore hidden from our view; and 2) they are frequently untrue, unrealistic, or otherwise misleading.

Whenever you feel "stressed" in any way, think about your expectations and how they might be contributing to your problems.

Think about expectations you have about yourself.

Think about expectations you have about other people.

Think about expectations you might have about life itself, or about how some particular aspect of life is supposed to work.

And lastly, think about any other types of expectations that might be lurking inside you that pertain to the specific situation you are presently faced with.

The more you learn about your hidden expectations, the more power and control you will gain in relation to them. Always ask yourself if something might be wrong or incomplete with any specific expectations you discover. Just by asking yourself this very simple question, you can empower yourself to see things in new, and hopefully more accurate, ways. The more you are able to do this, the less stress and tension you will ultimately have.

Mort Orman, M.D.