Good morning everybody. My name is WRbeachbum and I am an alcoholic. I have been in recovery since December, 2001, by the grace of my higher power and Alcoholics Anonymous.
I am happy to have found this forum. I like what I have read so far. It is nice to be sitting in my house having a mini-meeting.
Not sure if there are any topics so I will tell you my story.
I was raised in an Irish Catholic family. Lots of Alcoholism. I was effected by the alcoholism, but generally had a good childhood.
When I reached my teen years, I began to drink and party because that is what I thought adults did for fun. I took my first "real" drink at age 12 and LOVED it. I felt a release and confidence I had never felt before. I distinctly remember feeling freed and knowing that I had found my solution.
I continued to drink on weekends for the next 5 years. I was in the party crowd at school and did not do well academicaly. I thought I was very cool and I thought I was having fun. I was very insecure. I remember thinking that my drinking was obsessive and that I would like to drink like other people (not obsessively). These were my teens.
By my 20's things had picked up. I had started working in an office downtown and had rented an apartment in a really trendy part of town. I had switched from beer to wine and I thought I was quite sophisitacated. Lots of drinks after work and heavy drinking on the weekends for sure. My drinking was heavy, but I could look at other people and always find someone who drank more than me. I felt pretty normal at this time. Hangovers were getting worse but I was functioning and I felt like an adult.
In my mid-20's I met a man who did not party like I did. We fell in love and I think I thought he would be good for me. His "straightness" would curb my drinking and partying. We were in love and moved in together. My drinking did not slow down, it increased and it was starting to cause problems in my relationship and at work. I was drinking at lunch time and coming home from work needing to drink some wine with dinner so my boyfriend would not know I had been drinking during the day. I was often drunk at work in the afternoon and, although I was never spoken to about it, I knew people were noticing. My solution - get pregnant. Surely if I was pregnant I would not drink! I would not be able to drink if I got pregnant, and then the baby would settle me down. Well, pregnancy went ok. I did sneak drinks ocassionally but my drinking was reduced to very little. When the baby was born, over a few months, my drinking returned to as heavy as before and soon became even worse. I was terrified. I did not want to be drunk and not able to care for my baby. I did not want to drink and drive. I did not want to be the the type of mother I was becoming. My boyfriend/husband and I soon married and the drinking began to progress even more rapidly. By the time my daughter was two I was drinking at home during the day and trying to hide it from my husband. I was completely out of control. I would start off thinking I would have "just one" glass of wine with lunch - very normal. By the time my daughter woke from her nap I would be quite drunk and unable to stop. I would drink until I passed out at night. My husband would call me on it and I would get angry with him - saying he was so boring and I was in my 20's, that is what people in their 20's do! (He is quite a bit older than me). As things progressed our marriage became more and more distant. I was very distant from myself and basically tried not to think about how out of control my drinking was. When I did think about it (usually with a big hangover) I was really scared and would vow never to let it get that bad again. Of course, within a week I would be right back at it.
My solution, have another baby. This time the pregnancy would really slow me down (so I thought). I snuck drinks through this pregnancy also, although I certainly did cut down from my normal drinking. During this time my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Once I delivered the baby, I started drinking again and this time I had purpose. My mom was dying and I had every right to drink. How dare my husband or anyone else comment on my drinking - they did not know what I was going through. My doctor also prescribed anti-anxiety medication at this time. The heavy drinking continued. After my mother's funeral, I fell down the stairs and passed out having taken too many pills and drinking too much. I was humiliated but again thought people would understand that I was grieving. (I have since seen people deal with deaths without drinking and drugging and I think there are MUCH better ways to handle it.)
My drinking continued to escalate and my husband continued to worry. I often embarrassed myself and my family with my drunkeness. I was flabergasted. This was not the type of mother I wanted to be. My life was taking a completely different direction than I wanted and expected. My marriage was falling apart and it was becoming a choice of the bottle or my husband. I knew in my heart that drinking was ruining my life. I had fantasies of going to parties and not drinking. How nice life would be to enjoy it without drinking and hangovers. This is truly what I dreamed of.
Christmas 2001 was a disaster. My drinking was completely out of control and I was at my sickest. I was seeing a counseller and had spoken to her about everything, except my drinking, trying to figure out what was wrong. I told her all about my family and my life growing up and I think I was looking for her to say that everything wrong in my life was because of my family. When I finally came to her one day hungover and spent I was ready to surrender. I would not have said this at the time but "I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable".
That counseler suggested I go to AA and I did. As soon as I walked in the doors of a meeting I felt at home. I could not understand why everyone was so happy, but that would come in time. At my first meeting I heard a woman share but I could not see her from where I was sitting. As soon as I heard her voice I knew she would become an important part of my life. After the meeting she approached me and gave me her telephone number. God was at work. She looked like a normal person, someone I could be friends with. She was not a freak. I was very relieved. I telephoned her in the next few days and met up with her for meetings. I kept hearing "get a sponsor" and I knew she was who God had in mind for me. I asked her and she hesitated (she had not had good experience sponsoring) but she thought about it and she said Yes. She has been my sponsor ever since and although I don't talk to her every day, she is the first person I call when I need help.
I found a ladies group in my hometown and began attending regularily. I made friends with people whose sobriety I admired. I was having fun and I was so relieved. Life was becoming manageable.
Slowly, my life has become better and better. I have dealt with several "issues" in my recovery (health, career, family) but, by the grace of God, I have not needed to drink over any of them.
I attend meetings about 2 times per week. I am not always able to get out because my kids are still young and I have health problems. I want to join this forum so I can stay in touch and work on my recovery when I can't get out of the house.
I am looking forward to getting to know more AA friends.
Read your story, and so much hope is in it, thank you for that. Also look forward to getting to know you here. Think you will love this Forum, I sure do.
Thanks Toni. I am thrilled to have found this site. I have been thinking about online AA groups for some time but for some reason never bothered to actually get involved. It is nice to open up another door in my recovery. How long have you been posting here?
Hi Beachbum, welcome to the Miracles In Progress (MIP) forum.
I think each one of us has a little different story, and yet have so much in common. I definitely felt a kinship to the part about having fantasies of going to a party and not drinking. I used to long to be able to socialize without drinking, but felt far to insecure to ever face any social situation with out several fortifying drinks.
Toni said it all in an earlier post: Staying sober has to be our first priority over EVERYTHING!
Thanks for your post. Please come back again and share.
It never ceases to amaze me how someone else can tell MY story. WOW! I'm glad I found this site too. I have become disalusioned, so to speak, with my AA group ~ they talk the talk but most do not walk the walk!
Welcome WRbeachbum and ChopperBabe. Glad you both have found this site. I love it and read everyday. Lots of sobriety, wisdom, and support here. What a great sharing of your ESH WR! Thanks! Hope to get to know both of you!
i just saw your question, i have been posting since December of last year. I had move here 1 an half years ago, from my home town of San Francisco, and marin County, which is just across the Golden Gate Bridge from the city.
I came here to this area just 8 months ago, and in December, I was having a lot of difficulty in finding a meeting. I knew where the meetings were, and did go, but alway left feeling real home sick for my home area, and was not giving the meetings a chance, really.
Anyway, in December, I really just stumbled on to this site, I was trying to reprint an AA Schedule (on line) and could not find that site, but instead found this site.
And I felt, so so relieved, so many wonderful warm people, all speaking from their hearts, clicked immediately with me. And is one of the Best Assets, I have ever found in my Recovery. We use the AA Guidelines of meetings, but we do not have meetings, (well there are some posted, that when I have tried to get in, could not, and have heard that there are usually only 2 or 3 people when they do occur, so just gave that part up) Posts are made by some and there is a great flow to the Board, I have found.
This Board that is so wonderful, really comes even more alive, when people that are still struggling with the Disease of Alcoholism, come in, and as John the founder of this Board pointed once , that this may be the only chance that they have at reaching from that darkness of this Disease that we all share, and remember so clearly that darkness.
Good to hear about all the good things in your life, as a result of working This 12 Step program.
And I did turn my situation around completely too, do attend and love my noon meetings that I try to attend as many times a week as I can, to me nothing can replace that face to face contact and sharing, and the feeling of belonging there has taken place. bu the combination of those meetings that I am now a part of, along with this Board, has been such a tremendous experience, I can spend hours here, support my fellow brothers and sisters in Recovery, and also truly love the 12 Step work here, when it appears.
Hope you experience here will be as great.
A Big Hug, and Welcome Again, (you will notice that in about a week your status will change from a member to the Board, to a Senior Member) just thought I would throw that in, thinks its kind of a cute touch. Just like the Meetings, you sit down, and by that act become a member. A.A. is so fantastic, eh?
welcome! i find this the most amazing forum, truly experiance, strength and hope being shared. a very important part of my recovery network fo sure. thanks for sharing your story, glad you found us!
