so i sit here for like ages thinking of how to put this and i cant cause its so painful and been going on for 10 years now. i had 9 years of building and enjoying recovery. i still never picked up a drink no matter what has happened so obiviously thats good and i am grateful. i am a strong girl. i survived lots that kills a lot of people , i feel like god has given me more than i can take for just too long this time. its like sitting at the bottom of a deep dark hole and ive lost sight of the light, i need a miracle maybe,dont know. i have help with my 'issues' ect. but the joy of life has fled for a long time. i wont give up cause i really am a stubborn b---h. your prayers would be appreciated. love to you all....
cindy______________ i feel like god has given me more than i can take for just too long this time.
ME______________ cindy, wow, can i EVER relate to this....saw ur post and my heart lurched cuz i know EXACTLY how u feel.....many times i have said "life has just pained me out" like hp/ life, whoever went to the well too many times on me.....
but i have learned in this program, that "sickness and death visit the just and unjust"....."the rain pours down on the good/ evil"......to me, the way i see it is there are "natural law" issues and "spirit law" issues.............so its not god that visits this shit on us, if anything, its the darkness.....or its just life.........if i feel like i am just "getting hammered" over and over and over, like "psychic attack" i hunker down, take care of me, and i COMPLETELY give over/ defer to my higher power, becuz i am not strong enough to fight the negative forces on my own power.....if it is just life?? i can now tell, and i just do the same thing basically releasing me from it...aligning myself with my higher power within, and doing even if it is little stuff, things to take care of me.....life is in cycles........and i'll tell u, i have been in recovery 27 months now, facing all the sewerage of my life and its been 90% pain, 10% joy.....WAY uneven, but i KNOW it cannot go on forever....it HAS to change IF i can change me/ my thoughts/ my attitudes/ and give OVER my ego/ self will...........
i stopped fighting and resisting....i used to even ATTACK the karma....now?? i do what i can?? walk away from the rest.....
i look within me for my higher power....i figure the outside diety is busy with the corporate scheme......so i pray to that part of the "source" that is within me......
i know how u feel....felt that way MANY times......there were times i absolutely hated god/ diety et al.....cuz i thought he/she/it was sitting there WAITING to hammer me again.....but now that i am losing my sense of "self centered" i see that "why would god/et al waste their time waiting to single me out for punishment???"....it no longer makes sense.......i got in the path of evil and nearly died from it....now as i pick up the wreckage of my life, i know when i deal with and face EACH trauma, i am DONE with it....and i can move on....take care of me...practice the GOOD stuff i am learning here in the program, and change ME....change my KARMA.......oh i know stuff is still going to happen, but i dont' have to let it devestate me....i can "relase me" from it....
in fact i kinda thumb my nose at the dark forces...like "ok mother******* u deal with the creator/ source , cuz guess what?? i am OUTTA this" and i do what i can and WALK AWAY........NON resistance starves the enemy of its power.....and i take myh power back, by just deferring it over to my "stronger partner" in life........i give the darkness NOTHING to feed on.......resistance/ fighting/ attacking the karma ONLY makes it WORSE.........so now i feel the feelings....bitch, vent, do what i have to do to discharge the anger/ frustration/ tears, and than i take action.....and sometimes the ONLY action i can do is WALK!!!.......
i had to reply to u cuz i can soooooooooo relate............hugs, from a friend in recovery, rosie
Well Cindy...I can kinda identify with yu...was in those tunnels not that very long ago..
Even tho we do get through them...one day at a time...and things do get better...and we do get to see the light..once more...?
Sometimes the light isnt as bright as we wish it was...
I used to be a carefree happy go lucky guy....and that level of happiness within...just isnt where..Ide like it to be...
The best way I can describe it...is sitting in the middle of an intersection...wondering..what the Higher Power has in store...but yet knowing...that He will guide me..if I keep trying to do..the do things...
Divorced a few months ago...and came through a lot of health stuff..which is ok today...and if Im rigorously honest...I guess I still feel beat up..to a point...and am slowly regaining some sort of well being..and self confidence...once more...but it isnt happening as fast as I wish it to...and still have a lot of days ...where those emotional hangovers can take over..if one lets them...
I have had offers to socialize with the opposite sex...I have no interest in doin so...I have no interest in even thinking about another relationship..of any kind...It scares the shit outa me just to think about it..
It never used to be that way..Ide rebound..right into another one..to fill emmotional needs....so I guess some things are getting better...
I do isolate a lot..but enjoy most of that time..just relaxing..and spending time with me...
To get out of myself.. Im heavy in AA service work..and giving to others when I can...Its very rewarding...
In conclusion..I must beleive ..on a daily basis..that wherever the Higher Power is taking this alcoholic..it will be in his time...not mine...
I try to stay optimistic..and positive...
And some days are better than others....
Keep lookin up kiddo...keep lookin up....
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
I think we can all relate to those feelings, I know I sure can.
There are times in life, when a card is turned over and revealed itself, (In my hand of cards that represents my life and its events)
They all appear suddenly, like someone has thrown the main brakers, and all the lights have gone out, and I am suddenly surrounded by only darkness, inside.
What I have used is what we call Blind Faith, the process of believing in the midst of darkness, that my Higher Power is still THERE, I have been blinded by Grief, and hold on for dear life, drenching my pillow every night, and asking God to stay with me, in a pleading manner really, scary times.
Cannot tell you how it happens, but very slowly the grieving is lessened slowly, and with the help of my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, am re-united to that little light inside, and to a live where reality reins.
Have used this process a few times, in my Recovery, and feel the Blessing of His Grace in my Life.
Can go back to those days of blindness in my stubbling in the Darkness of this Disease, and see Clearly, that God Never Abandons Us, in our Humaness, at least in the Bottom of my Disease, as I had experienced it, I had abandoned God. The raging Disease of Alcoholism is a guarantee of that temporary Blindness, and it is His Amazing Grace that leads us out of this horrible, and dreaded Disease of Alcoholism, that we all share here on this Board.
I guess we all have those moments, days, maybe even weeks, where everything feels so heavy, and we're crying out for some kind of relief. When I'd have (well, make that still have, but less often), those times of feeling that there's nothing/nobody, I learned to "trust in the void". The image in my mind would of course be a great night sky when I'd think the word "void", but it got me through the time until I felt I could reconnect, and work through understanding why I was going through such a time.
Things build up, and sometimes we just feel crushed by the weight of it all. For me I find that memories can be a real butt kicker for me, so I had to learn to do a quick release on those. One of my greatest character defects is wallowing in guilt. All the if if ifs in my life. I have a book packed somewhere, it's called "Guilt is the question, Love is the answer", and boy, did I ever use that!
I dearly love that prose, "Footprints in the Sand". It's a good reminder, it lights that spark of belief in me again, when I read it. But, there are times where we all need to go out and howl at the moon until we just have it all out of us. Remember we're here for you. Hugs, Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
reading your posts i was moved to tears and laughter and most importantly i dont feel alone! your experiance strength and hope has make this pain easier to bear, i love you guys! thankyou so much!
Hi! I had problems with chronic depression as soon as I got sober 21 yrs ago. I tried all kinds of meds with little effect until 4 years ago. My life is S L O W L Y getting better, day by day. today I am HAPPY after spending 17 years in sober depression! One thing that kept me going was "Those who know the greatest despair will find the greatest joy". I'm finding it to be true! Hang in there! Peace.
Sorry I'm a little late getting in on this but Cindy, I just wanted to send hugs and prayers your way. I can relate too sweetie...just going through my Step Four right now has reminded me of so much crap and pain I've not dealt with and it sucks. This past four months in sobriety have been so hard-My husband almost left me and my Mom almost died...it's been crazy...but I wouldn't change a thing because all of it has brought me to where I am today. We all have times where our faith is shaken but just remember, just work for it today. I'm so glad you shared with us....your journey helps my journey!
I have felt very blue and down and wondered if there was a hp looking out for me, why was all this crap happening to me? I wanted a "burning bush" to prove that there was an hp watching over me. I remember thinking one night "I have been sober for over 4 years and have been asking for a burning bush, and I have still not got it - why should I believe?" Then it occurred to me that the whole point was that I HAD BEEN SOBER FOR OVER 4 YEARS. That was my burning bush! Being an alcoholic, it is incredibly unnatural for me to be sober for any length of time. For me, what I need to do when I get in a rut (and I do) is to get out of myself and help someone else. It sounds so simple, and I hear it at meetings all the time, but it does really work. That can mean just calling up a fellow alcoholic and asking how they are doing and really listening. You are not alone and I hope you are feeling better soon. Good for you for posting about it. I hope that helps.
