Well, I said I would never post again while not sober, but I am doing so now. I hate the fact I'm not sober. I hate drinking. I'm just like a bloody robot with it though.
The reason why I feel I have 'crossed the Rubicon' (ie hit bottom) today is that for the first time ever, I really dropped the bundle with my daughter. My mum was minding her today so I could get on with some work for this course I am writing for next semester....I did a bit of work and around 3 o'clock in the afternoon, I thought, have one beer, take a break, where's the harm? (beer and wine still being in fridge of course, despite my recent realisation that I can't drink. But I just couldn't bring myself to chuck it all out....')
Before I'd even finished that one beer I was on phone to ex-lover ('S') who swiftly gave me the brush off. Then I thought, gee, how depressing and embarrassing, I'll just give up on working for today, have a few more to cheer me up, and then wait until it wears off and go and pick up daughter from Mother's.
A couple of hours later (after writing a 'profound' email to this man that I am still in love with for some reason....) I decided I simply did not want my daughter around, that I would rather get smashed, and rang my mother and admitted I had been boozing and told her I thought it would be best if she kept my daughter overnight. This is the first time I have ever done this - that is, left my daughter overnight with mum or ex husband impromptu because of drinking. And to be honest I was positively RELIEVED that I had succeeded in offloading daughter so I could get smashed in peace.
Drinking is taking me away from my baby. I feel like that every time I succumb, I'm going further and further away from her. And I love her so much. My mum told me that tonight, before she went to sleep, she closed her eyes and said 'all I can see is Mummy'. So while that makes me feel terrrible, at least she still loves me and counts on me and I CANNOT wreck that. And God willing, I won't.
I rang my local AA tonight and found out about local meetings I could attend, and child friendly ones. But because of looking after my daughter, I won't be able to go every day. I'll be heavily internet and phone dependent when I can't go to meetings. I doubt I'll be in any mood to share when I go to meetings, but I think I will pipe up and say that I need someone to ring when I've got the urge...
Jesus, I feel terrible. But I'll feel worse tomorrow.
I ask that all you survivors of this awful compulsion pray for me, and hopefully the next time I post, I will have been at least two days sober.
I am not certain, even today, if I have crossed the Rubicon, even though I have stood on the bank of the River Styx. I sincerely hope that my look into those dark waters have frightened me sufficiently enough to hang onto sobriety.
Gotta say in real life that I took a riverboat from Chongqing, three days down the Yangtze to Shanghai, and actually did it before the Three Gorges Dam was finished, and so much of the beautiful scenery was lost forever under water. Life should have more events like that in store for each of us, if we don't let the disease steal it all.
BTW, crossing the Rubicon worked for Ceasar! Hope it also brings victory for you!
When you were asking about whether you had hit your bottom, and wanted a response and Prayers. I will say a Prayer for you. You might try asking God to keep you Sober just for today, and then when tomorrow comes, ask God for the same thing.
The question came up in my thoughts, Can you put your Sobriety in FRONT OF EVERYTHING ELSE. Then you can keep it.
I have been told in the past, a long time ago, when I was questioning my own ability to remain Sober, A woman asked me if " I would be willing to put my Sobriety in Front of EVERYTHING else, then, said, I would be able to keep it". Then she followed it with, "and if you put ANYTHING in front of your Sobriety, then unfortunately you will probably not be able to keep it". One of those Thomas Edison moments where the lights finally went on. Those words were like I "got it" for the first in my many years of Relapse. She had finally given me the formula for staying sober. She was a woman I was having coffee with in a resturant at 1:30 in morning, acting as a Temporary Sponsor. Started going to a different meeting that I went to everyday of that first year, never saw her again, and I would love so much to run into her someday, even though that is very unlikely,we live in two different States.
That one moment in my life, where I finally GOT how this Program works, Saved my life. her words, saved my life. As I am writing this, I am feeling so much gratitude to her. Wish I could tell her that.
Good to see you back her again today, and the "requirement for membership is the "Desire to stop drinking". I have seen many, many people come into the program when they have been drinking, there are Welcome to be there, and these same people start coming back without drinking and get into the Action part of Working this Program, which is getting to those meetings, surrendering to the Powlessness over Alcohol, (which is the first Step, and the only Step that has to be done, with your whole heart, and everything in you, some say this Step must be done perfectly, but I just have an adversion to that word.) getting a Sponsor as a guide through the remaining steps, that they take you through.
The 12 Steps of A. A. are the way out of the Disease of Alcoholism.
Hope it also brings victory for you!