I am 33, a single mother, currently unemployed and on welfare. I recenlty finished a PhD and do have a job teaching English literature coming up next semester at a local university (sorry if this all sounds a bit pompous, I'm just trying to convey the incongruity of the situation). At the moment I have little money, not least of all because I keep blowing it on booze and cigs (this, despite my daughter). I am in deep trouble with alcohol and other substances such as Valium and dexamphetamine. I only binge on the pills on weekends (when my ex has my daughter overnight): the rest of the week I drink 'moderately', for me, which means about four-five glasses of wine per night. A couple while cooking dinner, a few more after daughter has gone to sleep.
I am also infatuated with a completely irresponsible man with whom I recently had a brief but intense relationship. (again: this had to be staged on weekends when daughter was away, although she did meet him a few times). He is unapologetically an alcoholic, and an 'occasional' heroin user. Basically he believes he is the most intelligent person alive (he is a philosophy grad student and a total atheist), and for a while he more or less had me convinced he was, indeed, the most brilliant person alive.
After we broke up I had to have a barrage of blood tests (HIV etc) which fortunately were all fine. In fact, even my liver is working 'perfectly', according to my doctor! How did I celebrate this good news? By getting smashed as soon as daughter had gone off for weekend and inviting my genius ex-lover round. Fortunately I did not have sex with him (he had to go so he could 'get on', as he puts it - that is take heroin). I am very relieved about this today, as the whole cycle would've started again (the anxiety, the AIDS tests, etc).
But last night! Ugh. I feel so dreary and abject. I hesitate to tell what happened next as it might seem as though I have a sex addiction as well as a substance problem. But I don't. It's only that I am lonely, I want someone to talk to....anyway, to cut to the chase, I have another boyfriend, my current boyfriend, so of course he came over and I demanded he give me a dexie a(bad move) and got totally off my dial. After he had left I needed to go out for more cigarettes and found myself in a bar. I looked (and probably smelt) terrible. I got into a conversation with a bunch of sports journalists (I hate sport) and actually attempted to get one of these guys to come home with me. He declined politely. It was all very public and all very embarrassing. Thank God he didn't come home with me though! Can you imagine how I'd feel if he had? This is perhaps the worst weekend I've had in a while, but basically all my weekends are horrible and riotous. My dignity has gone out the window. Above all, I feel terrible that although I love my daughter more than I can describe, even the responsibility of having a child does not deter me from messing myself up....again, and again, and again. Basically everytime I drink. And I am supposed to be using the time she is at her father's to write the course I have to teach next semester (13 two hour long lectures). You can imagine how much progress I have made.
I believe in God, but then again...I have no faith. I think I may be losing my faith, anyway. I was raised a Catholic, but as an adult I have never been able to accept the whole Christian thing completely because of the concept of Hell. I just can't imagine why a benevolent God would send anyone, even Hitler, to eternal torment, and I can't see how anyone who believes in Hell can possibly get past the fear of Hell and apprehend God as a loving presence, without fear. Maybe the answer for me is to accept God but reject Hell...but how can I? Once the appalling concept of judgement hell is installed in one's brain, how can one get past it?
I would really appreciate feedback, or even someone just to read. I want to change, but then again I still have beer in my fridge and I suspect I will drink a couple after my daughter has gone to bed. I just can't bring myself to throw the damned stuff away. Help!
I'm a single mother myself, have 4 children. (They don't go to dad's but a couple times a year...) I was 33 when I came into the program of AA and got sober, and I've been sober since, not to mention relatively sane and serene as well.
I had a hard time at first, not so much because of the urge to drink, but I was a fairly intelligent person as well. Sometimes it was a huge stumbling block for me, because I thought I could come up with something better than the simplicity the program had to offer. I found out otherwise. I'm not suggesting you have that attitude, but just letting you know there are others in the same boat and that it is a potential pitfall.
What worked for me? After I got over my "better than you" attitude, I went to AA meetings at least 3 times a week, I used the phone a LOT, got a sponsor and worked the steps. I took the suggestions that were offered by my sponsor and others who had a lot of time in the program and seemed to have the kind of life that I wanted. I got involved in service work at the group that I chose to be my homegroup. (Looking back, sometimes I think my home group chose me)
Amazingly, in time things got a lot better.
I know what it is to be less than fresh sitting in a bar thinking "I'm all that" but in reality being kind of scarey to those around me.
I know that for me, part of my drinking was letting that hurt, desperate side of me open myself to all kinds of less than healthy "relationships" (translate:one night stands, pickups, etc...) just so I could feel loved for a few minutes. I know that for me, I wanted to do the right thing desperately, but I just could not. I never even imagined at first that I was even an alcoholic, just that I had a few hangups. After all, "you would too, if you had my life".
But as time went by, it became apparent that everything I hated in my life could be somehow traced back to drinking at some point.
I was a separated single mom of 4 because I didn't do such great thinking during my drinking and my selection of a husband was not based on anything healthy. (In fact, the only qualifier was that he liked me first!) I couldn't get the kind of job I wanted because I had dropped out of college because it was just so hard to get to those 8:00 classes when still drunk from the night before. (The saddest part of that was that in high school I was considered quite the intelligent one, most likely to become a nuclear physicist or something equivalent, and the booze just sucked all ambition right out of me.) The list went on and on and I could see how everything that I hated just kept going right back to the drinking.
I'm still a single mom of 4. I am employed in a job that I love (have been for over 5 years now), I am relatively content most of the time. I have no desire to drink, I have a great relationship with my kids, I have wonderful friends and I've become a good friend to others. I've learned to look at how I can be of service to others rather than what I can get out of a situation, which is interesting, because it used to be what can I get out of anything... Life is good. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes things happen that hurt, but none of it is so bad that a drink couldn't make it worse. It's a good, good life and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
So....if you want what we have, do what we did...unreservedly! Meetings, fellowship, steps, sponsor, service, phone calls, etc... It will get better.
Thank you, K Spear. I have to go and play with daughter now (or at least watch a video with her)....I feel too sick and tired and disgusted with myself to even take her to the park (selfishness, selfishness....)
I was in AA once before (when I was 27), but somehow it did not work out. I did not like my sponsor, who was intensely religious in a way that I could not relate too, and then I was 'thirteenth stepped' by a guy from my home group meeting, and when that relationship fell over, I felt like I couldn't go anymore, and picked up the glass again.
I'm not blaming these people for my previous failure with the program, by the way. Even before I foolishly got involved with another AA person, I had relapsed a couple of times. I kept coming back in the hope that I would 'get it', eventually, but to be honest I never did, and in fact the whole thing spooked me sometimes and seemed almost cultish. I felt as though I was on the brink of changing into someone else, which probably would've been a good thing, but when I visualised the sober me....well, to be honest, I just could not (and still cannot) envision myself as a non-drinker at all. So I'm at an impasse, because there is NO doubt in my mind that boozing is, indeed, making my life unmanagable, but I just can't imagine getting on without it. Despite the repeated humiliations and crappy decisions. Of course, one always thinks that one is simply going to have some kind of uncomplicatedly marvellous time every time one has a drink....and very occasionally it actually happens. But much more often, my drinking culminates in catastrophic, humiliating and degrading situations.
The only thing that stopped me from completely self-destructing in my 20s, was, I think, that I got pregnant and had to stop drinking completely. I was also largely straight while I breastfed my daughter (for around 18 months). But as my daughter became less dependent, and after my partner and I broke up and I suddenly had opportunities to binge (because of access visits), I have simply regressed. It's like I'm 25 all over again (and this is NOT a good thing! I was a mess for most of my 20s).
I am also rather heartbroken by the failure of my relationship with 'S', my ex-boyfriend who drinks and takes hard drugs etc. Why did I feel this profound connection with him? Was it just because we both liked getting smashed? I don't think so, not entirely...I was in love with him, and for some reason I still am. But even I have the common sense to see that I cannot import a heroin-user into my daughter's world. I just wish I could stop thinking about him (he's a redundancy, really. He has to be).
There's something I found called the Idoit's guide to the Big book for really smart people.
Some of us may need just that. I bounced hard in the program myself. I was smarter and not like a lot of the people, but I sure had a drink problem.
We are all alcoholic's**the bum and the doctor or lawyer. We can all get sober. One thing i was told that sunk in was to listen to the lesson not the teacher. Get with some people of your peers. ( if possible, if there is anyone as smart as you, get with them ) I found I was going to meetings with people who had nothing in common with me except the drink, therefore it was real hard to relate to most things.
I was only throwing on my favorite passage : Here it is
Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize that we only know a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning mediation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something that you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny, May God bless you and keep you-----until then.
I do have a huge ego. I don't mind admitting to being a drunk, or talking about my alcoholism with other alcoholics, regardless of their social status or level of education. In other words, I'm not a snob. I do know what you mean though about some of the meetings being offputting if you can't really identify with anyone: years ago, in AA, I used to go to a meeting where there were a fair few people who'd really hit the skids, lived in the streets, been in gaol....I'm not saying I resented their shares, or got nothing from them. But when these people, these very nice people, would warn me that I could well end up in the same position as they had once been in.....I somehow felt unconvinced.
And I quail at the concept of not being addicted, because somehow, in my mind, it is actually bound up with being 'superior' and 'sensitive'. Of course on the rational level I know this is absurd, but I can't get past this cliched self-imaging of myself as a sort of tortured soul. It's all extremely self-indulgent, and of course when I am pissed (drunk, for those who are not Aussies!) I simply come over as a prating, emotionally demanding idiot. I suppose that for all the suffering my drinking causes both myself and others, it is so tied up with my identity that it is really scary contemplating such a huge change. Then there's the family problem (not making excuses here): both my parents are alcoholics/addicts (my mother on Xanax in addition to brandy, my father, now retired, drinks from nine o'clock in the morning onwards every day). It would be lovely to think they could change...but it just seems hopeless. And of course, spending as I do a lot of time with them and being very fond of them, it would be really difficult to say 'no' to drink emphatically in their company, and certainly impossible to suggest that they might look at themselves.... They would think I was assuming a moral high ground.
Anyway, their problems are not mine. I suppose I have to just think about my own troubles for now. I haven't had a drink today...and I don't think I will, either.
Welcome! Glad you found MIP. This board has been a great help to me as I try to stay sober (again) I am a 33 year old mother as well. Not single (yet) but will be if I continue to drink. Just one of the many yets for me. I can relate to what you guys said about those in the program who were homeless skid row types and my thinking that "I'm not like that" I've found it very helpful to look for the similarities in thier stories rather than the differences. I was surprised to find that I am much more like them than I would have thought. I also didn't believe that what happened to them could ever happen to me. The last time I relapsed I really struggled to get back on track. I can now see myself turning into that homeless, penniless, friendless person. I now know in my heart that it COULD happen to me......
When I tried to quit drinking in the past I did it for my daughter, for my husband, for everyone else....except me. My experience has been that no matter how much I love my daughter or my husband, I couldn't quit drinking for them. That of course brought on alot of guilt and feelings of worthlessness. "Why am I such a terrible person that I can't do this for my daughter??" Well, now I know..........because I'm an alcoholic. It's taken me a long time to see that I really had to want this for me and no one else. It seemed selfish to me but then again, if I am not selfish in this regard I will lose everything. If I don't stay sober I lose my family.......much better to be selfish in my recovery than selfish in my drinking.
I am struggling with the God thing still. AA tells me to choose my own conception of God. My reaction to that is..."Can I do that? That doesn't seem right to me." That is because I too have other peoples concepts of God in my head from when I was younger. It is not easy to let those go and find what I truly believe in my heart about God. It has been alot of soul searching and I still don't really have a clear concept but the Big Book says we don't have to really. We just have to be willing to believe....so I'm just trying to focus on that for now.
It really is much simpler than I think it is. My mind tends to want to complicate things and analyze things all the time. That is when I just try to quiet my head and pray for guidance.
Wow, this got really long! Anyway, welcome again and I will repeat what others have suggested.
Go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps....one day at a time!
Keep it simple. I was all into God when I first came in,but now I question it or him or whatever. I do know however that AA is really just a bunch of people getting together to stay sober no matter who or what they believe in. I just have my AAS in Paralegal,so I do not really have a high degree,but I can relate to the mother in us all. I could not get sober just for my kids,but I wanted to be the kind of mother that I had in my mind. LOL, I'm still not there yet,but at least I'm not drunk on the weekends either any more. It feels good not to be ashamed because I drink. When I have my bad days I hold on to the fact that I'm sober no matter what even if that is the only thing I can hold on to. It seems to me that your smart enough to know that AA is not all about God and that it's only your struggle that may be keeping you away from being sober. As far as the AA brotherhood and sisterhood, It's nice to belong to something of a fellowship for no place els would have me and my checkered past. I can be or use to be messed up with out anyone blinking an eye. I'm a missfit,but I do fit into AA because of that reason. I'll never be a normal drinker,nor could I understand how people can drink without getting smashed or wanting more,so it's nice to know I can understand another alcoholic and not bat and eye from thier stories like your story. I still suck at relationships. It's progress not perfection in AA. First I fix being sober and I hope the rest will follow in time. Good luck and remember to keep it simple!
Thought when I read that, well there is one of my real sisters in this Program. Well except for the Phd.
I will write more later, have to take my butt out of chair, and go out this morning.
Was thinking of a couple things when I read your Post.
"An addict is an Addict, is an Addict"......also
"Denial ain't no River in Equipt." (cannot remember how to spell it this morning)
My addictions were Alcohol, Drugs, and Men. Those were my Bangades, then. Recovery Changes all of this, the Steps of the Program are a way out of all of these Addictions, I also needed a lot of Outside Help to Restore my Life, or get into my life for myself, for the Very First Time.
Dont care too much for Dr. Phil, but I did hear him say something once that I could so relate to. He was speaking to three woman that were grieving the Loss of some man, that they were "in Love with" and did not know how to carry on. I had seemed to be attracted to men would share or enhance my own "dark side" The attraction was that we were attracted to each others Dark Sides, if that makes sense. Darkness seeks the darkness in others.
He asked them to close their eyes, and really try to "take in" what he was about to say, and that was "The person, that you are really aching for, that you feel has left you.... and you need that person back so desperately.......Well that person that you are REALLY Longing for is.....YOU"
I had been through those a few times, in my raging addictions, and could so relate to the person that was REALLY Missing......was ME. Thought many years ago, that it was a Man that completes us. In this Recovery Program we discover Ourselves and only need to embrace the healthy person inside of us all to complete us.
One of the things that someone mentioned to me way back then, when I was speaking of an issue that was in the "Terminal Uniqueness" catagory, He said to me, Toni, there are ONLY about 16 Stories in the Program. What a relieve that was to hear.
When I was at the end of the line in this Disease, My Higher Power was not outside me, as I had always thought, but a spark of light inside me, that to this day is the Connection to God, as I understand God. And hell is something that we have been in, not going to. Recovery takes us out of the so called hell, and into the Light of God, or God's Light in this World. We are Recovering Alcoholics and this is a 24 hour Program, just one day at a time. And when we sometimes see our Brothers and Sisters Relapsing in this 24 hour Program. If they do not make it back, then in my opinion, their lives will turn back into the misery that was just waiting for them. I believe that the "word" hell, is only here on earth, and inside us. Don't much care for the word myself, just brought it us, because you referred to it.
Hugs to you dear, and think you have come to just the right Place.
When I go to meetings today, and continue to look for the similarities, I always find people that share my background and have walked the same Path, there is great comfort in that, don't spend a lot of time with the differences that kept me in a Relapse Mode for 10 years.
Thanks all for the loving thoughts. One thing I do remember from my previous failed AA experience is that there was 'a lot of love' in the room, as such. Sometimes a bit too mucy love for me! Love actually frightens me off a lot of the time for some reason....probably explains why I don't have much luck with men!
I hope I have not put people off by mentioning PhD. I am proud of it, but I don't think it makes me anywhere near as as 'smart' as anyone who can somehow, miraculously, manage not to drink. Plus this PhD took me no less than EIGHT years to finish! I started it when I was 24, and finally handed it in when I was 32. For four years I was on a scholarship, which basically means that from ages 24-28 I did little work and spent my money, which was then not inconsiderable, since I had teaching work too, on booze and drugs. Did very little work on the sholarship. It was like a four year long holiday. I'm surprised my supervisor didn't kick me off the PhD program, to be honest. You would not believe the things I did to her....I house-sat for her for six months while she was in Paris, and while I managed not to trash her place, I did get into her basement and go through all her personal things, looking for alcohol. Imagoine my delight when I discovered twelve bottles of A-grade scotch stashed away down there! Of course I drank them all, had to replace them with cheaper brands. And of course when she got back she discovered (although I'd clumsily tried to hide the evidence) that I'd gone through all her personal stuff....I did not dare admit why, of course. And I argued with her, abused her, had not paid my rent properly and was in debt to the tune of thousands of bucks....
so as you can see, I was very luck she didn't simply sack (fire) me! Anyway, the point is that my PhD, while not a 'zero', is not really such a remarkable thing given how much time I had to do it (actually, I did most of it after my daughter was born. Purely and simply because I was sober then. Even looking after a small baby does not take you prisoner to the same extent as being drunk all the time does! I organised my time really well, wrote while baby was napping, just did a little bit each day....and after about two years it was done!)
Hey, for Toni Baloni....while that Dr Phil thing was a trifle corny, like much that is a bit corny, it was actually pretty right-on. I think I am still hung up on my ex-lover 'S' because our 'dark places' click together so well: the egotism, the substance abuse, the grim sense of humour, the cynicism, the mutual conviction of 'superiority' : it's like coming home. Not exactly 'home sweet home', unfortunately.
You know, one of the things that actually upsets me is that now that S has seen that I 'need' him, or think I need him, he may no longer think I am as 'superior' as him! He says I take things 'too seriously'. This is his way of saying that he thinks I'm stupid.
Sorry about all the rambling. It's really helping me though. Thanks for listening. I did not drink yesterday. I know I'll want to drink today (well, not right now, but I know that the temptation will strike....I still have not chucked out that beer). I just hope I can resist. Two days of being completely straight would be a big deal for me.
The 12 Steps of AA, working them and going to meetings can and will change your life.
Hope you will give it a good try, I had my ideas, for years, about those meetings, and then after Relasping for 10 years, and living through the fast progression of this Disease, I came in finally, more like crawled in on my knees, broken, and sick, well those old thoughts of how I felt about the meetings was not there. I sat in a chair everyday, scared to death, that I would return to drinking, thought I had been Branded one of the hopeless Variety, (in my own mind of course). Anyway, did not have an opinion about anything, or anyone, was so greatful that the rooms were still there for me, and I really did not speak for that first year, I only listened, and Prayed that I would not drink again until the next meeting I attended, which was always the very next day. That first years was over 16 years ago, and now I share at all my meetings, if I do not, I will not feel a part of.
We in AA have learned through the working of those steps, and working with other Alcoholics, that we are really coming from our Hearts, no longer have to speak from our heads. Very healing process to me.
We do not debate the subject of God in the Program, although the does come up and get debated, now and then, here. However the Program of the Fellowship of Alcoholic Anonymous had retired from the debating Society, it is in the Book, we are only here to remain Sober, through the Grace of God, and to reach out to anyone new or anyone needing help, as its relates to their Disease of Alcohol.
Most recovery Alcoholic are very intelligent people, many "too smart" to get in at first, hear it all the time.
Next time you go to a meeting, just a suggestion, try listening with your Heart, then maybe you would not find the love you see as "too much". I hope so dear.
Hope you find some good meetings, and hope to see you stay right here.
what i hear when reading your story is the first three steps. you are powerless ,your life is unmanageable, restored to sanity would be good and turning it over to a higher power [something smarter than you] would be helpful. what helped me with a concept of god is that idea of "something smarter than me" and letting go of any preconcieved notions of "god". so the good news is you sound like you have hit your bottom, none of us recover until the disease beats us down too a level of humility where we can hear what the old timers in recovery have to share with us. if you don't have a "big book" of alcoholics anonymous now would be a good time to get it and read it. good luck, luv and hugs and welcome!
I get really sad when I read or see people suffer inside like I do. I just started here today, and in the short time that I've read and gotten advice from the people on here I see that I need to talk and listen to them. I already feel comfortable to seek advice from them. I wish the best for you and all people who suffer as we do. Hang in there my friend.
Hello welcome!!! First off I have alot of respect for u I know its alot of hard work to get a PHD, currently I am workin on my associates, hoping to acheive my masters in Social Work. I can very well relate to how you feel the lonliness, the desperation, hopelesness. I can rember nights at the bar when I would be pukeing in the alley then go in and try to pick up men!!!! You are not alone unless you choose to be, in your last post u stated"I was in AA once before (when I was 27), but somehow it did not work out." alot of us do not get this program the first time we come around, thats why the members say "keep commin back" bring the body the mind will follow! This is merely a spirtual program try to come to a God or understand God by your own understanding in other words come to believe in a God of your own concepts, ideas, as long as it is loving, caring and greater than you. As it states on pg 46 of the Big Book, you can find this power within yourself. Thanx for lettin me share take what u can use and leave the rest.
You are not alone unless you choose to be, in your last post u stated"I was in AA once before (when I was 27), but somehow it did not work out." alot of us do not get this program the first time we come around, thats why the members say "keep commin back" bring the body the mind will follow! This is merely a spirtual program try to come to a God or understand God by your own understanding in other words come to believe in a God of your own concepts, ideas, as long as it is loving, caring and greater than you. As it states on pg 46 of the Big Book, you can find this power within yourself. Thanx for lettin me share take what u can use and leave the rest.