IM an alki but my life IS manageable

Rob · Senior Member

IM an alki but my life IS manageable

Phil · MIP Old Timer

RE: IM an alki by my life IS manageable

kspear · Veteran Member

I have found that unmanageable is a fairly relative term for me. I had no clue my life was unmanageable in the beginning. Looking back now...it was COMPLETELY unmanageable (by me) and insane. I found that I really needed to find new management, because what I was doing wasn't working for me anymore.

It was so easy and so tempting in the beginning to find all the differences between me and "other" alcoholics so I could tell them why this program wouldn't work for me. Then I started to listen to their stories (at the suggestion of MANY in the program) and found similarities, sometimes from early in their drinking careers, sometimes not. What I found out was that I HAD had some of those early for them things happen in my drinking career. It was almost as if the roadmap was laid out and although they went all they way from NYC to Oregon, I was following the same road but maybe only as far as, say Chicago. They hit the same stops on the road.

Unmanageability doesn't have to be about the chaos, lack of bill paying, loss of house, loss or relationships, etc. It just means that I am pretty much a sucky manager of me! And that new management is in order...for me in the beginning that was just doing things the way they were suggested in AA.

May I suggest to you that you give AA a valiant try, thoroughly following the suggested path laid out, when you go to meetings listen to what people say that you IDENTIFY with, rather than seeing what might be different, for a reasonable length of time, and see what happens. The drink will always be waiting for you if you find AA is not for you. But in order to give it a fair shake and judge it reasonably, it's important to go the whole 9 yards. Otherwise it's like tasting a cake and judging it before it's finished baking.

I had a lot of "not yets" when I came into the program. I could see where I was so different so easily. I am not unique! None of us are. We just like to think we are!

Let me ask a question. Are you content with everything in your life right now? I mean at peace, really content, wouldn't change a thing even if you had the wherewithall to do so? If not, why not? If it's in any way related to the drinking, seems to me there is a management issue. My unmanageability was truly an internal thing. Externally I really didn't think I looked so bad. (compared to now, of course, I'd say I was a mess all the way around....) But it was inside me - call it mentally, call it emotionally, call it what you like...that was chaos.

I'm under new management now, trying things the AA way (have been for nigh 7 years now) and I haven't found the need to go back to the drink and abandon the principles found in the program. Since it's working so well...guess I'll keep on keeping on as well!

Karen S.

carmie · Veteran Member

RE: IM an alki but my life IS manageable

cooncatbob · Senior Member

I drank almost everyday for 25 years, I held the same job for 21 years til the company went belly up. Alkies were skid row bums or like my lady friend who had 7 DUI and finally was sent to prison. That caused me to hit my bottom and take a look at my life. The dreams of my youth unfulfilled because of Alcohol and Drugs. I was licked, beaten down, I was getting home from work and crawling into bed. I was DONE, but I knew next to nothing about the 12 step world. I thought AA was a bunch of old Farts sitting around smoking cigarettes drinking coffee telling war stories cause they couldn't drink anymore.
So I grabbed the phone book and looked for modern medical science to CURE me. There was and out patient treatment center near mtapartment so I enrolled there. Fortunetly my counselor Jack (great AA name) who had 16 years at that time required us to attend 12 step meeting. By the way I white knuckled it for a month while waiting to get in so by the time I attended my 1st meeting I have 41 days. I knew I had found a place to make a stand I haven't taken anything stronger then Aleeve since.
Rob if your life is so managable how come you have 368 post folks with manageable life don't spend their time on recovery forums.
This program is for people who want it not people who need it.
Do you want it or not.

TLH · MIP Old Timer

cooncatbob wrote:

Rob if your life is so managable how come you have 368 post folks with manageable life don't spend their time on recovery forums.

That's funny. At one point I was in an online conversation with some old friends- some who are sober and do AA and some who don't have alcohol problems but who are savvy enough to know about some stuff- and I mentioned that I went for 97 days without drinking so obviously I'm "different" than most alcoholics. The one girl who's my age and ten+ years sober says to me "Oh honey- people without drinking problems dont count days!" That got right to the core of things.

amanda2u2 · MIP Old Timer

hi, Rob,,, I was starting to wonder where you were, and if you are alright. Is this post about manageabiltiy from the same guy whose mom told him to clean his room and then got all upset? The same guy that couldn't stop crying a couple of times?

Well.. we've all been there... so it's not like you're any different,,, just we had to admit it. But even if this is in the realm of manageability... like Phil says.. why wait?

I'm glad to see you , and glad that you are still thinking about things. Is AA spoiling your drinking?

love in recovery,

amanda

paul · Senior Member

You are a different individual than me. But what makes us both alchoholic, is the exact same things. It is not drinking that makes us alchoholic. It is what is behind our drinking, that we have in common. Now, that is an interesting topic! Let's talk about some real stuff!

-Paul

iffer · Senior Member

Rob,

Glad to see your post. I was wondering where you disappeared to.

I also felt that my life was managable. I held down a job, had a house, a husband, paid my bills, took care of my daughter, etc...

I just liked to drink. Didn't everybody? Most of the people I knew drank and so it was easy for me to feel like I was normal in that respect. But the more I drank, the more I isolated myself, and then I started thinking "IS this really normal?" I looked into AA because I thought I might have a problem. What I heard at meetings was people talking about their drinking and I found that I could identify with some of them. I also constantly compared myself to those who were "worse" than me and that led me back to drinking again.

When I really tried to stop drinking for a while I found that I couldn't do it without being EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I found myself thinking about what I was going to drink that night at noon. Planning my life around my drinking. Not doing things I wanted or needed to do because of my drinking. I realized that alcohol was the main focus of my life. If there wasn't going to be alcohol at a function I didn't want to go. If I had to go, I drank before it and after it.

For me it took alot of really looking at my feelings and actions regarding alcohol. That is where my unmanagability was. That is where I knew I was not a "normal social drinker" I wasn't just someone who enjoyed drinking sometimes. I thought about it all the time. I started hiding it from my family because I knew it wasn't normal. I justified my drinking in every possible way.

I was at a meeting once and someone said "I realized I couldn't live with it and I couldn't live without it" That was me! It takes what it takes to find things out about ourselves. It took me a whole lot of thinking and talking with other alcoholics and LISTENING for similarities. I will lose my home, husband, job, daughter, life as I know it if I continue to drink. So I choose to go to AA and follow suggestions (most of the time....) and I choose not to drink today. I actually HAVE a choice today thanks to AA.

I hope you find what you need Rob. Thanks for sharing with us and reminding me why I came to AA in the first place.

Jen

Rob · Senior Member

Im not entirely sure why i posted that last night.. I guess i was just alittle confused about this managable and unmanagable thing.

I told my best mate last night that i was an alcoholic and thatd id been to some aa meetings etc. He said he's know for years that i was an alcoholic and glad that i finaly told him and admitted it. Im glad iv told him. I might be seeing him tonight actualy.

Robert · MIP Old Timer

Rob wrote:

Hi.. My names Rob(ert) and im an alcoholic.. I drink every night (mostly).. I dont drink in the morning or during the day .. though sometimes abit earlier than normal at weekends.. My life is not what it could be, its not how it really should be.. I miss out on alot and my life is fairly dull alot of the time... And im usualy tired. But my life is NOT unmanagable... So ... I guess from a sober and more realistic point of view my life is abit of a nightmare but i pay my bills (though in debt), i have a roof above my head, i have a car and a license.. i hold down a job without much of a problem. The first things AA says is that MY LIFE HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE.. but it isnt.. its not how it should be and drink is the reason.. sorry no.. the fact that I CHOSE TO DRINK every night is the reason my life is a mess.. But its not unmanagable. My life would be so much better without alcohol. So why am i different to everyone else in AA.. Why is alcohol a problem for me though my life is still manageable... MOST of the time.. -- Edited by Rob at 15:55, 2006-05-17

So in other words your a functioning alcoholic. We dont all have pieces of string for belts .

I paid my bills, when i wanted to and ate pretty well, from gregs. but I was mashed up every night, picture alcoholism like the titanic, does not matter what car you drive were all gonna die the same death, rich or poor

Toni Baloney · MIP Old Timer

Justifying, Bargaining. remember it so well.

I lived in Tiburon, California, in a beautiful home with a beautiful view of the Bay and San Francisco, held down a great job, that I loved, was married, to someone I loved very much and was loved back. Had a great Suntan, looked really healthy, people told me that all the time, how they envied my life, so much outside abundance.

Came home every night, prepared a great dinner for 6, husband, my two children, and 1 stepson. Had to drink to get thought this tough daily schedule, saved my heavy drinking to the time children were in Bed, and Husband was working, at night, out of the house as a successful Designer. Would wake up and take a couple of Valiums, to get started every morning, my heavy drinking, late at night and my drug use in the morning was Top Secret to me, hid it well, got up at 5:30 every morning, and did it over and over again,

Sometimes on Sunday mornings I would take a ride to San Francisco, to Skid Row, and drive by and look at all the Drunks in the Alleys and doorways, pasted out, and waking up from their recent drunks, and had their little brown bags always with them, with their empty bottles sitting somewhere in the street.

I was doing this as a WARNING to Myself, " keep this up, and you will get to this Place, I wanted it to SCARE Me into Stopping my secret Drinking, and drug use for my hangovers".

To this day, remembering that makes me laugh, because I can only Laugh at my own Sick thinking. what a Waste of Time, and Gas to go into the City, I was Already there, Living in that Gutter, on the inside. Was doing that comparing of their outsides to my outsides, What a joke on Me, Our INSIDES were the SAME!.

Had tried AA, for many years, and it did not seem to make any sense, I did not get the Program, for one reason, I knew, I was an Alcoholic, for SURE, but what was missing was the Surrender to that Fact.

Had so much left to lose, and the following three years, the progression of this Deadly Disease, was a fast slide into Hell.

Had moved up to Seattle, with my Husband, we were both doing a Geographic, his Business turned around for him, and was an instant Success in Seattle. I was lost ,
no job, had a Surgery that would prevent me from working for 6 months, and the Slide began, and it was FAST, drank all the time, now, and it was no longer easy to hide,
and my husband, gave up and left me. Alone with my drinking and in some ways I was happy he was gone, because now I could just keep drinking until my life was over. I now lived for the Alcohol, had to have it every day, all day long, kind or resembling in memory, an animal, giving up all human traits. Very freightening Memories I chose to NEVER forget.

In Chapter 5 of the Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, "How it works", it speaks to that Condition "constiitutional Incapable of Not drinking" , or Sicker than Others, that was my life for sure.

Rob, this message is really my own story here, it was not an inference to you, I just needed to write a Refresher Course in how I got here, Almost over my own Dead Body. Found the Program of AA...... again....... finally did surrender......and....

16 and a half years later, Love my life today, Love Alcoholics Anonymous, and feel that Gratitude for the Gift of the Work in the 12 Steps, and of the Hope, that followed, and of the Privledge of just Being Alive, every day. Thanks to a Higher Power I choose to call God.

Just my own story of Bargaining, when it was still an option.

Toni

Alcohol is only a Bandage over the wounds, or just the Tip of the Iceberg, both work for me, the 12 Steps in Alcoholics Anonymous, and outside help, heal the wounds and the facing of that big dark underwater Iceberg. the 12 Steps are the way OUT of the Disease of Alcoholism...... One day at a time.

Cabbageheadchris · Senior Member

Hi Rob(ert), I'm Chris(topher) and I'm an alcoholic too!

Been an alky for about 13 years. For 11 of those years I thought my life was in controll.

Despite losing my driving licence for 1 year (£320 fine & £80 court costs), losing 4 jobs due to alcohol (never having consumed alcohol at work), Had several relationships with good women break up due to alcohol and 6 stitches in the back of my head and bone chips in my elbow due to drunken falls. Thats not counting the times I fell asleep in the middle of busy roads, and the countless cigarette burns in me and my clothes, the stomach ulcer caused by excess alcohol and the reputation as a 'piss head'.

As far as I was concerned my life was good, same as you. Work ok, bills paid ok, enough money, good house etc.

Functional alcoholic is the way it is described. But a 'functional alcoholic has a lot to hide, and it is hard work staying functional. Even then, people knew that I was an alcoholic.

It takes time for a person to be ready to stop drinking. How bad do YOU want Your life to get before it improves?

Bye for now,

Best wishes

Chris.

Ps: We all struggle at the start, and I think most of us have bad days when we would like a drink. We also know that 1 drink is the start of a big downward spiral.

Rob · Senior Member

Thanx all.

I wasnt trying to justify anything last night and i wasnt tryint to hide from my problem i was just confused cos of the fact aa says that we came to aa because our lives were unmanagable and i still manage to do most the things ... Like i posted early i guess i was just alittle confused abit it before..

I totaly get what everyone has said here on this thread.

I saw my mate tonight, the one that iv now told about this shit. First time iv seen his and his fiancees new/first home. Nice place.. She doesnt know about it so we only spoke very breifly today about it. But he was really cool.. Saying if theres anything he can ever do etc. I think basicaly, like he suggested last night that i shouild visit him more. Be great to keep intouch with him cos we do lost touch alot at times and if im with him in the evening then i wont be drinking. But wether that gets put into practice by me or him i guess we will have to wait and see. But im really pleased iv told him now. I really didnt want him or anyone to know before but now that iv told him i feel better.. I always knew hed be as he is about it really. And as he said he has known for years that im an Alcoholic so its now better cos there no skating around it.

Where i go from here i havnt decided. Iv had to step back from the boards and from putting myself under pressure to go to meetings cos i felt like i was losing my mind. Too much stress all at once.. I know everyone is gona think im making excuses and thats fine. Im doing alot of thinking at the moment and Im trying to reasess things. But that was alot of the problem last week when i had my kinda freak out and got all emotional cos it was piling up too much i felt like i was losing grip on my sanity... Basicaly im trying to compose myself alittle.. Wether it works or not we shall see.

But iv appreciated peoples responses on this thread.. Thanx..

Ps ... Toni how are you now?

Wren · Senior Member

Hey Rob, sometimes a break is good. Gives you time to assimilate all the info you've heard into whether it's something to keep and think on, or throw away because it doesn't resonate with you. It's an individual thing. I imagine that if I could measure it, I'd say there's about 98% of the posts I read that click with me, or that I recognise, and then there's maybe 2% that I don't even bother registering, I just toss them in my mental waste basket. I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't think I'm here because I'm well, I'm here to learn how to get and stay well, and that too is an individual perception. Sometimes things and people can get over whelming, and a break is needed to do some sorting. Go fishing. Everything falls into place with that fishing rod in front of ya, eh? (joke). Actually, I go fishing so that I just "experience" surroundings, don't believe I think at all. A psychological mini-retreat. Love Wren

iffer · Senior Member

Rob,

When I told a few people close to me that I am an alcoholic they had the same response...."Ya, I kinda figured" Funny how I thought I hid it so well.....Today those people in my life support me in my recovery and it's not a big deal like I thought it would be. Glad your friend is there for you. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Jen

Robert · MIP Old Timer

my mates made me laugh, "so you wont be able to drink ever again?" they said... I now couldnt think of anything more boring!