Had enough now. After a fairly long run of sobriety I drank again yesterday. Dont know the reason (because I am an alcoholic I suppose) sick and tired of it all now this has to stop. Went into town and ended up drinking in a pub with some man I only just met. So ashamed of myself. The worst thing about this is the way I feel right now, back to day one. Going to a meeting tonight (walking back through the doors yet again) with all my heart I dont want this anymore I have to put my sobriety before anything and everything else. For too long I have spent all my time thinking about alcohol and what it has done to me, I want freedom from this constant analysing and going over and over everything in the past. Tonight I will pray to my HP for forgiveness and guidance. It is done now and I never want to feel like this again. I think it is time to get honest with myself and ACCEPT I am an alcoholic totally and it is not for me to know the reasons why - just accept what is. I am going to post regulary to let everyone know how i am doing in the upcoming days ( sober days ) Thanks for being there for me everyone.
Almost two years ago I had a two beer slip for one night. After that night I threw myself into the program of AA. I'm very lucky the slip did not turn into a full relaps and you can too prevent a full on relaps by doing as is suggested by a sponcer and working the steps. I was ashamed,but I was more determind to get it right this time around. What helped me was remembering that this is a 24 hour program and that's all any of us has. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow,but chances are that if I work the program and try my best to do the steps, I'll be sober. Smile,at least your here today!
Just want to say hello, and good that you are here, right back here with us and going to a meeting.
Thanks for sharing with us, and good to hear that you are going to keep us Posted.
So good to hear that you are going to that meeting, do you already have a Sponsor, I always felt so much shame about my picking up again, I would stay away, drinking for months, and then years. Sicker than others, seemed to fit my M.O., then. Do remember raising my hand so many times as a newcomer, I lost count.
Just this 24 hours, just for today, Acceptance for things being just as they are.
My Prayers go out to you today, & GOOD WORK, getting right back.
Thanks everyone for your support. I sometimes feel a fraud at meetings because I have been in and out I so much wanted to go to my first meeting 'see the light' and never drink again. But I know its 'sometimes quickly sometimes slowly' and I know even though I didnt get it the first time round I still qualify to be at the meetings and still have a good chance of achieving long term sobriety if I work the programme.
Hi Trudi, glad to see you here. I was in and out so much in the beginning, I started believing I was "constitutionally incapable" of grasping the program. I made it past outright humiliation into belly slithering, I was so embarassed with what I deemed my inability to figure out how to work the program. It took awhile for me, seriously, to begin to realize that going to a meeting sober would probably help. So off to detox I'd go, so I could come back and go to a meeting. And the people of AA welcomed me back each and every time. I'd reach for the phone instead of the bottle or pill, I learned to utilize those infuriating cliche's, LOL. And got myself the toughest sponsor I could find, because I knew that's what I needed. I decided, I don't have to love a person to learn from her. And now, over two decades later, to say I love that woman would be an understatement. I've said it before, I know, but I love to say it---AA will love you until you learn to love yourself. Thank you for touching bases with us and letting us know how you're doing. YOU are why we're here. Hugs Wren
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Funny, isn't it, how friends and a Power greater than ourselves can neutralize nightmares?
Just remember that those feeling you have of being a "fraud" are just shame and fear based feeling, try not to give them any Power. When I would drag myself back in, (kind of like the Jaywalker in the AA Book) I started feeling like such a "loser" and sometimes I would "think" i saw someone looking at me like I was the dumbest of the dumb, I was just sicker than others, remember that well, but eventually those negative feeling about myself, made be feel that I was no longer "entitled to come back". That's what I mean by "just the feelings" of being a loser, keeping me away.
Please don't pay attention to those feelings, (I kinda think it is the way our Disease want us to feel so it (the Disease) can keep us down for the Count), the end of the line. Such a Powerful Disease this is, to this day, it Scares the Hell of me!. Cunning, Baffling and SO Powerful. The rooms of AA, the Steps in this Program, A Higher Power that we willingly surrender to each day, does have MORE POWER that this Disease. Dilligence, and Prayer for another Daily Reprive, that is how I remember my first years. Proud of You, Trudi!, we all are.
Your friend, Toni
And Ditto to what Chris (Wren) wrote, if you can not feel Proud of yourself today, then let us , here in the Program of AA, feel that love and be Proud of you, until you love yourself, and can be so Proud of your own efforts. And just don't let those "Pesky negative feeling" linger. o.k.
I remember when I first got sober and relapsed after about six months. I was so caught up with the drinking and all that I couldn't get sober. I wanted to so, so badly. I would go to meetings, string together six days and then as soon as I got paid on Friday I would be back doing the same things. During this time I went to meetings off and on, cried alot, and tried to get sober, but it just wouldn't happen. Some people at meetings said mean things and alot of people told me they were glad I was there so that they could know that it still sucks drinking. I finally gave in to the disease and just let it run it's course. Alcohol was my master once again. I ended up getting into rehab a few months later after losing everything. I then made it eight months and relapsed, got sober and made it 364 days and relapsed. Today I only have a couple months but one thing has changed. My desire to stay sober has caused me to become completely willing, to go to any length, and I have no reservations, where before I think I always missed the alcohol. Jails, institutions, and death. Those are the alternatives. People die from this disease daily. That's the sad truth of it.
One thing that is working for me is going to meetings daily. It's kinda strange because nobody has told me not to come back yet!!! Talk about weird!!! I hope this helps, I tend to ramble. Blah, Blah, Blah!!! 24 hours at a time!!!
Hi Trudi, soooooo glad you are back!! Each of us only has today, and we are all in the same boat you are. Thank you lord for all my help from friends in AA and a great sponser. I sure haven't gotton here by myself! It took me a long time to understand that the newcomer is so necessary in AA for all of us. Believe me, we each have something to learn from each other. I learn from you, and you are an inspiration to me. It is so hard for me to admit when I screw up, so I appreciate where you are coming from. Just remember, we are all here for you, you can write me off board anytime you want. If I can ever do for you, please let me know. Special prayers will go out tonite. Be gentle to yourself, and take care.
I also slipped a couple weeks ago after being sober for about 4 1/2 months. I was working with my sponsor, going throught the steps, really felt like I was doing my best but this alcoholic mind snuck up on me and bit me in the butt! Thank God I only drank a few times before I realized that this was not working for me.....again.
I am so glad that you are back so quickly, I always hear what Phil said....alot of us don't make it back. Hang in there and focus on this 24 hrs. That is all I can do right now as well and it seems to be working! Look forward to seeing your posts with updates.
I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I am a serial newcomer. So far I haven't made it past 4 months. I want to make it so bad and I feel like I need to succeed this time or I never will.
