Explaining Forgiveness? "I want to have some peace but I am not sure how to reach it. Can you forgive someone and still not accept what they did, still be upset with their actions, and choose to limit their involvement in your life? Or does forgiveness mean unconditional love, understanding and trying to help them?"
Why Forgiveness Is Good for Your Health Sometimes forgiving the people who have hurt you is the best path to peace of mind and moving forward with life.
Later - Jeannie
-- Edited by jeannie at 09:57, 2006-05-10
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Oh Jeannie, how true! I guess there are levels of "un-forgiveness" for me. Here's where I go back to ego--my forgiveness tends to be leveled by how much my ego has been damaged by someone. Isn't that sad, LOL? I can forgive most cruel words.They are so often said in anger or in spite and stupidity, and so I have to look at the circumstances. Those are easy to forgive and let go. Then, there's the issues where I have felt personally violated by someone I trusted--I find that I forgive in stages, only releasing a little bit, then later a little bit more. When I can reach a point where I want what is best (and not wishing the worst) for a person, I find releasing the tails of the issue becomes easy, and finally I can forgive. ( Like, who the hell am I to put myself up there on this judgemental cloud, right?)
If I do not actively release and forgive, I am ultimately the person that pays for it. Headaches, sour stomach, disjointed thinking, obsessiveness with payback. The other person is going along their merry way, with no idea I'm harboring such thoughts. So, bottom line is, I guess forgiveness is really a gift to ourselves so that we can move past and on with our lives. Now, if I can just work thru minor annoyances....Thank you so much for this post, it is timely in something personal I am dealing with..Wren
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Funny, isn't it, how friends and a Power greater than ourselves can neutralize nightmares?
This issue, takes me back to a discussion I had with a friend in AA, when I was personally tricked out of money- $250.00 over a car that I sold to my friend and Sponsor, We had a verbal agreement that she would take this car to her Car Shop and repair it, and pay me $500.00.
When she did not give me the Money, I had to leave 3 messages and notes for her asking her to pay for this car that I had already signed over to her.
She was an older woman, very angelic appearance and my Sponsor in the Program in year 3 and 4.
She wrote me a very self Righteous letter, with a check for $250.00 and said that we had agreed to THAT amount, no other.
I was so hurt, and felt so betrayed, she was my Sponsor.
Anyway, when I was talking about the stinging effect this had on me, my wise young good friend, said to me, "Toni, it is going to hurt for a while, BUT JUST Remember that when someone deliberately hurts you, IT IS ON THEM, NOT YOU.
I really took some time with those words, digested them, got over the pain of that Betrayal with those words. So when Betrayal come up, at times, not like that but when you feel someone has lied to you, to gain something, well, I can pass thru the hurt rapidly, with the Knowledge, that it is on THEM, like a slimmey egg. It's not my stuff. Just as Phil is always saying, it's Our Own side of the Street, that we keep CLEAN, cannot change what is going on, on the other side of the Street. So I think about the fact that I do not lie to people to gain anything, and it is simple over.
One of the great things that we learn through walking thru the Steps, and continuing to keep the Steps of this Program alive, is that we are now fully ACCOUNTABLE FOR OUR ACTIONS, that feels really good.
So, considering the source, and looking at a betrayal, I do not have to go deep into forgiveness these days, cause they are wearing the Slimmey Egg, not me.
We are all God's Children, and we are accountable for all and everything to Him, it is ONLY my own actions that I need to concern myself with, and my intentions.
Gerald Jampolsky has a book on the Cycle of Forgiveness, and he claims that it needs to be an active part of all of our daily inside house cleaning, constantly cycling the Process of Forgiveness, to ourselves, when we fall short of our own goals, and forgiving all that fall short of their intentions, on a daily basis, so there are no clogs in the Plumbing, keeping that Space open, that Channel open for His Name to Live.
Powerlessness, surrender to God every 24 hours, and Humble Gratitude to Him.
Resentment is the number one offender. When I start letting people get under my skin it's time to take a step back and realize how dangerous the situation is to my sobriety. I am a pretty easy going guy and I don't like arguing at all so I generally don't get verbally attacked these days. By my actions I can stay away from these situations that necessesitate forgiveness. Occasionally my feelings get hurt through daily life but I am better able to deal with that working with my sponsor and going to my meetings. All my problems have solutions. Am I willing to live in the solution today?
And thanks for that, we go through life today, we do now live in the Solutions. And whenever, I have any resentment toward ANYONE for ANYTHING, it is a big Red Flashing Light to me. Resentments KILL. have seen a few people drink over some Burning Resentment that they refused to get into the solution with, did not seen the Pitfall, and down they went, drank at the Person they Resented.
To my way of thinking a Resentment is an Ego thing, and that is where the Problem lies.
Put in many hours of overtime, to rid myself of any resentment. And when we apply and think of the Amazing Grace that keeps us here in this 24 hours, we can bring that up to our consiousness, and feel the Grace and Forgiveness of a Higher Power, and in turn become humble. I do not believe a Humble heart, can hold a resentment, it clears the path to the Solution.
