Went to a meeting, the one i went to before in marlow but this time i was sober.
It was so hard making myself do that.. i almost didnt go so many times.. i drove past it.. then stopped outside in the street then i parked in the actual carpark and sat there.. then i went in.. Glad i went.. but so much anxiety and fear and nervousness etc etc. Slightley emotional at points in the meeting too. only abit..
All of the above and listening to everyone made me want to drink.. Cos of the upheavle inside me and the fear and the truth etc etc etc i just felt like.. take me to the place where im safe, my happy place.. which of course would be here sat infront of a dvd drinking and feeling all safe in a drunken stupified way.. FFS...
So i went for a drive instead of coming straight home because i felt i might drink if i went straight home. After a while i headed home, i passed the off license which is almost opposite road i take that leads to my road, i indicated to turn into the road, slowed down, just about to swing into road and knew i had to change my mind, so last second i cancelled indecator and drove on into town.. and around just so that i wouldnt drink. Actualy i passed the offi about 3 mins before it closed on my final return but i just said "NO IM NOT F**KING GOING TO" outloud to myself and i came home..
So I have 2 days now...
Actualy when i got into the meeting a guy introduced himself probably cos it was blatent how f**king nervous i was.. geese.. Anyway he asked me a few questions and spoke to me abit.. then that was that and the meetin started.. I left as soon as it finished..
Anyway i wasnt gona ramble on.. but i have now so there we go..
Edit: Tonight was my 6th meeting but its the FIRST meeting that iv gone to that i have NOT drank afterwards.
I know what it's like with meetings, took me 3 weeks and several drivepasts before I finally made it into the building for my first one. Just driving past like a shark swimming past an injured whale. Too scared to go in but knowing that I needed to.
Well done for driving past the offi too. It would be useful if the meetings did'nt finish until after closing time!
Got to go,
Best wishes
Chris.
__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
good for you bud, it gets better. I remember the feelings all too well. get in the middle of the life boat mate and hold on tight because you are going to a great place if you stay on board.
Cor the first week is the most exciting week of recovery, when I hit a week I knew I was in receipt of a miricle. lets face it, for us, nothing else works but A.A does if you do exactly what it says on the first 165 pages. simple, anyone can get it if they have a honest desire. and I belive this time Rob you are ready to start your life.
The 12 steps gives you the opportunity to un-learn ways that are deeply ingrained through no fault of your own, these are from your first 1-3 years of living, it is fear, fear try's to keep you safe, but we are no longer 2 years old and those ways do not work , the A.A program the 12 steps helps us live a true life. in paradox I thought the 12 steps would turn me into someone I was not, but the reality is I was not the person I wanted to be, now I am.
I do not know if you guys ever did this, but when I was drinking I made out I was doing good, and justified big;d up myself, boosted my ego, because inside i KNEW I was no good, I no longer do that because I am no better than anyone else, but I am living a true life now and feel ok.
Rob well done, when im in wycombe next, you can take me to a meeting!!
Im not sure how much of your optimism i share Robert. But i guess that is natural, infact thats basicaly what tonights speaker said that he didnt think it would work for him..
Its all freaking me out. The idea of a sponsor and all that shit you gota do and writing out steps and maybe reading that out in public places a like fkin cafe or something to bring out the humility and get rid of the pride stuff. As described by the speaker. At the moment i dont know enough about it.. I will learn. I dont understand alot of it..
Some of the steps..eg step 8: Made a list of people we've harmed... Well i havent really, maybe my mum n dad but ... i duno.. . And step 4.. is that like drink driving?
OK too soon for me to ask these questions really. And i guess it will become clear when i chose to ask the right people at the right time.
I gota get reading more, iv started again today abit reading the Living Sober, im at the self esteem bit.. which i though quite ironicaly appropriate today.
Anyway i spose its all well and good me saying all of this but its a today program and who knows where i will be tomorrow.
Well if you are down this way Robert drop me an email before hand and we shall see.
I just hope tomorrow i am in the same place in my mind as i am at the moment.. But knowing my mind.. .. who knows..
I know where the meeting is tomorrow night. Infact there is one tomorrow morning but i realy duno where tf it is in burnam. Also it means getin up quite early cos it starts at 9am and is gona be a bit of a trek so i might give that one a miss. But who knows..
Hmm whilst making my cheese n crackers.. (hope you are feeling hungry Robert) I was thinking about what the speaker said about his sponsor gettin him to read out one of his steps in a public cafe with other people about to get rid of his pride etc.. Well doesnt that contradict Alcohlics ANONYMOUS ???
Hope you will plant that thought in your head, about the Danger being in that first drink stuff I wrote you in a private message. If you plant it in your head you won't see flowers coming up out of your head, haha, but you will begin to see Miracles, many many Miracles.
When you are reading, read the last part of page 164 in the AA Book. It's all true.
Sounds like you are on a good path. The only step that's neccessary to work right now is step one. I wouldn't worry about having to read anything in public places. That's the first time I've ever heard that and it does seem kind of extreme. Life is going to continue to be unmanagable but as long as you don't pick up that first drink you can't get drunk, and things will get better. Of this I am certain. Hang in there Rob and great things will happen.
Im not sure how much of your optimism i share Robert. But i guess that is natural, infact thats basicaly what tonights speaker said that he didnt think it would work for him.. Its all freaking me out. The idea of a sponsor and all that shit you gota do and writing out steps and maybe reading that out in public places a like fkin cafe or something to bring out the humility and get rid of the pride stuff. As described by the speaker. At the moment i dont know enough about it.. I will learn. I dont understand alot of it.. Some of the steps..eg step 8: Made a list of people we've harmed... Well i havent really, maybe my mum n dad but ... i duno.. . And step 4.. is that like drink driving? OK too soon for me to ask these questions really. And i guess it will become clear when i chose to ask the right people at the right time. I gota get reading more, iv started again today abit reading the Living Sober, im at the self esteem bit.. which i though quite ironicaly appropriate today. Anyway i spose its all well and good me saying all of this but its a today program and who knows where i will be tomorrow. Well if you are down this way Robert drop me an email before hand and we shall see. I just hope tomorrow i am in the same place in my mind as i am at the moment.. But knowing my mind.. .. who knows.. I know where the meeting is tomorrow night. Infact there is one tomorrow morning but i realy duno where tf it is in burnam. Also it means getin up quite early cos it starts at 9am and is gona be a bit of a trek so i might give that one a miss. But who knows..-- Edited by Rob at 18:42, 2006-05-05
I did my steps in my living room, dont do it in a cafe! will freak people out! they will think the god squad have arrived!
Doing the steps is like a process thats all and they are all in bitesize chunks, the most difficult to swallow is step one, if you have swallowed that then you will need the next lot to get rid of the problem and bring in the good stuff. Have no fear about the steps, it is not humiliating, no one reads your stuff out, it is between you and a trusted person, and no one else. I thought I was the only person in the world who had done xyz and the shame was deep, i told my sponcer everything, he was like "and" "so what" did i feel a prat! I thought i was unique! but I was not, everyone has done what I did, you probably done them two, I garantee there will be stuff you wouldnt want to share with me, but when you get em out with a trusted person the relief is great, no longer a secret and it loses its power big time.
As for reading, I reccomend the big book, read the Dr's opinion and Bills story, when you have grasped that you should know if you are ready to do the rest with a sponcer or not. I would say out of all the people i know with one or more years sobriety - they all have one thing in common, they go to meetings, they have a sponcer, they work the steps.
What is worse, doing the steps or waking in puddles of piss and not knowing where the hell you are and why you are covered in blood piss and shit?
There are those who do the A.A waltz, step 1,2,3 drink Step 1,2,3 drink I dont reccomend that dance. get the full package and you cant go wrong, you do not need to be a monk, and you do not need to shout from the roof tops that you did xyz, you just need to do your best.
When i do meetings I could say all the humiliating things id done when i drank ie, wet beds,stole money, tried to kill myself, went mental , but that was delt with man to man with my sponcer and HP,. no need to say it again to anyone,
I walk a free man today. no need to worry about booze, it aint going to jump up and dribble down my throat I did that for myself,. all i need to worry about is keeping myself well. it is a selfish program, get yourself right then look after those who need you, when you are ready.
Right I have a hot date with a bag of cookies, some bananna milk and a dvd. peace.
Hmm whilst making my cheese n crackers.. (hope you are feeling hungry Robert) I was thinking about what the speaker said about his sponsor gettin him to read out one of his steps in a public cafe with other people about to get rid of his pride etc.. Well doesnt that contradict Alcohlics ANONYMOUS ???
Hey Rob, that would be one way of removing pride which would be useful to someone who thougth they were gods gift, to me it would have been tragic i would have f==ked off a.a if that was done, I needed friendly support to build me UP not humiliation to back me DOWN. the sponcer if he is good should know this - otherwise sack him get another,. sponcers are always available, esp in old timers meetings.
Fear not Rob. you aint gonna have to strip and run the streets, or tell the woman next to you in a cafe that you once had 7 in a bed or what ever! that aint going to happen!!
