Hi everyone. Hope you are all having a good day today.
I have managed to stay sober since last friday. Went to my home group last night, talked with my sponsor and some other women after the meeting. I have been praying ALOT. Please in the morning and Thank You at night sort of thing...along with the 3rd and 7th step prayers and of course the Serenity prayer.
Here is my dilemma and I am wondering if anyone else has any experience with this sort of thing.
My husband is, of course, very angry and hurt that I drank again after 4 1/2 months. He is not an alcoholic and does not understand the obsession and the allergy. I tried to explain it to him some on Saturday but he thinks it a load of crap and that I am just weak and have no will power. He will leave and take my daughter if I drink again. Because I drank again I think he feels like AA is a waste of time. He was somewhat supportive of me going to meetings after I was sober for a couple months but now he just gets pissed when I go. Especially when it affects him. If he is at work he doesn't say much about it but when I leave and he has to stay home with our daughter or if he has some other plan in his head that he didn't tell me about he gets all pissy. He says things like "So, you NEED to go to a meeting tonight, huh?" "Why do you HAVE to go tonight?" Last night when I got home (a little bit late because I was talking with my sponsor after) he was just lying on the couch and was very short with me and rude. My gut reaction is to yell "WELL, DO YOU WANT ME TO SATY SOBER OR NOT!!!????" It is very frustrating. I understand that he doesn't think AA works now because I went back out but I tried to explain to him that it is not the program, it is me, my choice and my fault that I drank because I didn't do what was suggested. He just doesn't get it.......
Wow this is getting long! Anyway, I know it will take time for him to feel better about all this and I would rather have him pissed at me for going to meetings than pissed at me for drinking. He just seems to want me to just magically not drink but stay home and be happy too.
Thanks for listening. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated....
My suggestion: Al Anon. Or he needs to "meet" with other alkies spouses / families and get the "scoop". get him involved in AA, take him to an Open meeting.. Unfortunately he will probably never "get it".... time takes time. It will take time, and proof that you can stay sober, after all, we can't expect them to believe us overnight, look how many times in the past we promised, etc, and it didn't work....You're in my prayers, hun! Hang on tight........
I think you answered your own question, Jen. :) One day at a time, sober...and time takes time..and yup..those resentments arent going to go away...overnight...
I used to get comments...about.."How long is it going to last this time?" The little bit of trust I had built up, from others...went right out the door...
Had to just keep on doing the do things..as youre doing..
And trying to convince others that things were going to be different this time...didnt carry much weight...I'd said it all before...
Another day sober....have a good one eh...
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
Maybe he is not really mad at the program but maybe he is disappointed in you because you detoured off the program and the way he is acting is his way of showing that you let he and your daughter down, (maybe). Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with him to find the true root of the problem - (if there is one - or not) maybe there is more than what meets the eye? Just my share
Proud of you for coming back.
Later - Jeannie
-- Edited by jeannie at 10:09, 2006-05-04
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Hi Jen. A lot of good advice above. Personally I'd try to get him to go to an open meeting. He will gain a better understanding of what AA is about.
Like Phil says, trust will take time to build again. I am sure that we have all been in the position where we have lied (intentionally or not) to our partners, or let them down in some way.
Congratulations on day 6!
Bye for now,
Best wishes.
Chris.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
Well when you were writing that, it sounded like the exact memories of the earlier times I attempted recovery.
My personal belief, is husbands that do not have the disease, simply go not understand, they believe, that once you stop, it should be smooth sailing, and if you drink again, they they take as such a personal insult. Even maybe a Moral issue. Do not understand that this is a Medical Disease, that requires treatment. A lot of treatment.
Alanon could really help him understand, and gain support from others that are in his "shoes"
Id say read chapter 9, and also re the meetings, they are like your medicen now you would take your medicen if your a cancer patient, why not an alcoholic?
Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. I do realize I have to put recovery first. I just want so badly for him to understand...........but like I say, I'd rather have him pissed that I'm at a meeting than pissed that I'm drunk.
Even if he decides to leave me anyway at least it will not be because I am a drunk.
Jen, hello, actions speak much louder than words, I know that when I first started going to meetings my family couldnt understand why, they had no idea about the program ......then I gave my B/B for my Mom to read that helped, and when they attended my first year clebration and met some of the people there now they ask me if I am still going!!!! Alanon is a good idea for him because this is also a family disease maybe get some alanon literture and leave it laying where he will see it. time takes Time my friend!
This reminds me wen i first sober up..having problems with wife''
my kid was running away ''my life was comming apart..it felt like that
that's were my sponcer help me ..he told me there is not a thing you could do about all your problems ''let's focus on your sobriety'' so that is what i did ''he also told me that wen i change the people around me would change ''that is what i did 'and my life did come apart 'but then i got a new life like i'd never had before .....anyways is a drink going to make it better
and when they attended my first year clebration and met some of the people there now they ask me if I am still going!!!! Alanon is a good idea for him because this is also a family disease maybe get some alanon literture and leave it laying where he will see it. time takes Time my friend!