I don’t think I am ready to stop drinking yet. I am 38 years old and have lost nearly all through drinking. My home, my marriage, credit, reputation, friends, family. Drinking has brought me bad health and endless fear and anxiety.
I tried again recently in AA but walked out again after 2 weeks. Met more people, talked more of the talk, walked the walk again, read the book again and did what was said.... but, the same thing happened again as has happened so many times in the past..... when I started to feel a little better, when the shakes died down, when the fears subsided a little... the mind started to wander again, the “what ifs”, the “just a few tonites then I’ll stop again” started to cross my mind again.
Crap! I don’t believe it! I am actually thinking of drinking again. I have not told anyone this but I know it in my heart and soul... I am STILL not at rock bottom. I feel it. I will probably drink tonight. It like the demon has already made the preparation and is rubbing its hands in glee.
I am so tired of this bloody alcoholism. It has nearly destroyed my life and yet I am still thinking of going back out there for another round.
Why? Why? I know what is waiting for me. Misery.
I told someone recently “why can’t I just fully surrender to this after this thing has battered me down to the ground!” and they replied “well maybe you have not reached your rock bottom yet. Maybe you have to be living rough drinking cough mixture or methalated spirits. Maybe that would be your rock bottom”.
So is that it? Is that how far some people have to go? I have been thinking about this. In the Big Book it says something about only someone who has truly reached rock bottom can practice the program.
So do you think some people never reach a rock bottom? I am terrified I will have to go all the way to the bottom before REALLY taking this seriously and not just skirting “around” AA for a while when things get really bad and then back out again as I have been doing for countless years.
Am I one of these unfortunates who has to be homeless and destitute first?
I am so scared to think I have further to go down the ladder, but I really think I probably do.
Am I wasting my time with AA while I am still thinking of drinking knowing in my heart and soul I am not really doing all that is suggested but hoping that it will “hit” me if I hang around?
Do I have to maybe let this disease kill me or drag me down to a horrific level? Do some people HAVE to go that far? Should I stop kidding myself that I am ready to stop?
I was 37.. and yup...had to go all the way to the bottom...nothing and noone left..
The complulsion to drink..overruled everything..cunning..baffling..powerful..
I hope you stop..before that all happens..
An oldtimer told me once, that 'Any damned fool, can quit drinkin..for just one day"
Just today bud..thats it...and I had to go to AA meetings...7 days a week...I was so sick..I couldnt even be with myself ...most days..or I knew what would happen...there wasnt a doubt..
Its not easy...one hour at a time...a half day at a time..whatever it takes..
And the fear and all those emotions way outa whack..at the same time...
Youre at a crossroads Bud..your call...
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
In the Big Book it states.....that our bottom is a state of "Complete and Utter Moral Demize." Alot of the first step is is roman numeral pages 23-30 of the Big Book it describes an alcoholic and it describes powerlesness etc only a suggestion here but read it ok. It also tells me that I have to find the power within myself to find the God of my understanding (first page of The chapter to the Agnostic.) If you wish to choose the road of loosing everything then so be it there isnt a single person in here who can deny you your pain. If you choose, you can use this pain in a postive way.........to learn from it do you really understand within your heart just how bad things can get?? Are you willling to live with the fact that drinking is not your choice any more ?? As cunning and baffeling and powerful as it is that statement is sad.......but true. This program offers me a daily reprieve from active addiction......24 hours at a time. In the last paragraph of "how it Works" it states, "our description of the alcholic the chapeter to the Agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas: (a) that we were alcoholic and could nto manage our own lives(b) that proably no human power could have relieved our alcoholisim and (c) that God could and would if he were sought." To me hese statements are very powerful but yet realistic. As it states on page 164 last paragraph,"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us and trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God Bless you and keep you -untill then." I could go on and on but the bottom line my friend is you have to surrender to God, believe that he can restore u to sanity and make that decsion to turn your will and life over to his care.
Well read your Post, and really want to respond, but I am on the way to meet someone in the Program.
From what you wrote, sounds like losing home, family, credit, reputation, sounds like a bottom to me, but I have some more thoughts I want to share, (you sound a lot like me, that swinging door of AA, eh?) can so relate, Now I will have 17 years September 12, 2006, one day at a time. But used that swinging door for over 10 years, want to tell you about the bottom I did hit. You might say it was of the "rock" variety of those bottoms.
Please come back to this site after 1:00 pm, PST, I want to really have a 'talk' with you, if you are available for that.
Unfortunately I am now late getting out the door.
Just don't pick up that drink, one minute at a time today, Please.
Well if you opened your private messages, you know that I sent you a pretty long letter regarding a lot of your Post.
Just hope you can hang in there, and not pick up that first drink, you only have to do the first step, with the surrender, "we are alcoholic - our lives have become unmanagable".
I do not agree with the person that said you have to reach a deeper bottom, that deeper bottom might include a wet brain from this Disease, or as they say in the book, well read it in the 164 pages of the AA Big book.
Get a sponsor, get to as many meetings as you can, being freighten right now seems pretty apropriate. Use that Fear to motivate you to not go to the end of the line with the disease.
As I had mentioned in my Private Message, it is the first drink that will turn you back into being in the Grip of this Disease, and Niall, once Alcohol has you again in it's grip there is no telling when and if you will be back. THAT IS FRIEGHTNING! Consider the Progression of this Disease.
Hope to see you here again soon, Carmie wrote the steps you need to take, so I hope you can hear us dear, way over there in Dublin.
Stop thinking long term. I've been doing that as I make plans a vacation & stuff. I don't have to think about staying at a hotel with a bar in a few weeks. I just have to think about today. I did not drink today.
I will worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
Today, I will be grateful for being sober and yes, I can get thru today.
I will go to sleep tonight with a heavy load lifted because I know that I will wake up tomorrow and be grateful I didn't drink today.
In AA's pioneering time, none but the most desperate cases could swallow and digest this unpalatable truth. (Step One) Even these "last gaspers" often had difficulty in realizing how hopeless they actually were. But a few did and when these laid hold of AA principles with all the fervor with which the drowning seize life preservers, they almost invariably got well. That is why the first edition of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous", published when our membership wa small, dealt with low-bottom cases only. Many less desperate alcoholics tried AA, but did not suceed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness.
It is a tremendous satisfaction to report that in the following years this has changed. Alcoholics who still had their health, their families, their jobs, and even two cars in the garage, began to recognize their alcoholism. As this trend grew they were joined by young people who were scarcely more than potential alcoholics. They were spared that last ten or fifteen years of literal hell that the rest of us had gone through.
If you have the 12 and 12 please read on further in these pages. It tells us that we DON'T HAVE to do continue drinking even if we have not lost everything. This has helped me tremendously as I also felt like I hadn't really hit bottom and hadn't lost ALL. In my heart and soul I know I will if I continue to drink. I have no doubt that I will die from this disease if I continue. I may not have lost alot of material things but I have lost myself, my self respect, my dignity, my spiritual well being. I don't want to lose anymore....
Just my two cents.....Good luck and you will be in my prayers Niall.........
Hi Niall, some great info above. We are here to help, but you need to help yourself also.
Re: rock bottom.
It's different for different people. I suppose it depends on how much you are willing to suffer. Some people have a 'rock bottom' that is relativly ok... they still have a house / wife / car / job.
Some people lose the lot.
Worst case is that some people just never seem to want to be free of the addiction and end up in a wooden box because of it.
The sooner action is taken, the easier it will be for you and your family.
Step 1 yourself to a meeting and stay away from the first drink! AA works and it gets easier.
Bye for now.
Best wishes
Chris.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
