MONDAY , APRIL 24, 2006 You are reading from the book Touchstones </OA_HTML/ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?item=212>. I shall tell you a great secret, my friend. Do not wait for the last judgment. It takes place every day. --Albert Camus We live our program in one-day portions - and our actions today have immediate consequences. For instance, if we listen to a brother or a sister in the program, we may be enriched and the other person strengthened for today's challenge. We don't have to confront every temptation of life on this day - only the portion we can handle. Our old insanity would have us predict the entire story of our future from today's limited viewpoint. But our spiritual orientation guides us to restrain ourselves. We simply live in this moment.The rewards of recovery are granted every day. We begin with the gift of a new day and new possibilities. We now have relationships that sustain us through difficulty and give us reason to celebrate. We have a new feeling of self-respect and hope.I am grateful for the rewards of each day in my spiritual awakening.
ME_________oh man have i been "projecting" i mean it hasn't happened yet and iam projecting it.....like a movie, i am writing and reading the END b4 i even read the NOW part......this daily was meant for me to read......stay in the NOW.....TODAY i am working....TODAY my dog did not have a seizure....TODAY my busted drain pipe under the house did not cause the washer drain to back up..........
it is so much easier if i just look at my WHOLE life as to it being for THIS day.......and sometimes i have to when i am "riding out yet another bad patch".....i have to stay HOUR to hour......and why do i keep getting bad patches, long lasting and close together...like hardly any breather in between????? am i to DETACH??? is this telling me to RELEASE me .....is this telling me to LET IT GO to a stronger force than i am???? sounds like it doesn't it??? maybe i **think** i am releasing it, but am i still holding on out of fear the whole thing will fall to pieces if i don't hang on with clenched hands?????
cuz everthing that has happened to me, is ALL stuff i cannot do anything about......the old "needing to be in control" crap rearing its ugly head and that is from fear and that fear is of the helplessness i was taught......i was a butterfly in a trap b4...with NO hope NO defense NO help NO safe place to go NO allies NO NOTHING to help me....
so back than i WAS helpless, i even ran away only to be dragged back into the spider's web, so i learned to be helpless i develooped a "hopeless" mentality........i learned that i am a feather buffeted by any storm who wants to come my way, do what it wants to do to me and i have NO say in what happens to me.......
so i fought and resisted--did my best to "hold my own---hold the fort" only to be beaten down and RE-confirmed that i am helpless.....add to that the fact i had NO god relationship in those days, and yeah, i projected gloom and doom and still do when iam triggered majorally
so i must work the steps, i know WHY i do this, now i must practice to BREAK this habit, self talk??? tons!!! telling me that i am NOT helpless NOT hopeless i DO have choices i DO have healthier habits nnow.....i have a BETTER CHANCE now .....its hard.....GOD its hard!!!! giving up old habits...the fighting and resisting and projecting and needing to control made me feel like i had some control, when i really did not......so the only thing i CAN do is RELEASE ME from this hell, by DETACHMENT......
i visualize myself literally "throwing it up to the sky" and letting it go (what i am powerless over) so i don't feed the negative forces and than i dwell on them and being under attack and than the darkness becomes my higher power, becuz like i said......."what i dwell on becomes my higher power"......so TODAY, i will practice and work the steps on NON resistance-----letting GO------whether i think any diety is going to "take it up or not" just the ACT of detachment/ release will stop the negative energy and quiet me down enough MAYBE to discover some options i have OR let the damned thing disolve cuz i gave it NO power.........
I call that my "scenario" game. Say, one of my son's doesn't call for a week. Do I think of him having such a good time that he's just forgotten, and like other kids his age, he's out there enjoying life? Ach! Forbid that I be so positive, LOL. Nooooo, my first thoughts are, "omg, did he lose his phone again?" A day later, it's "gosh, maybe he and his girlfriend broke up and he's not living at home anymore. Or, maybe he lost his job and can't tell me about it". By day four I have him in a hospital with amnesia and nobody remembering to contact me because, of course, during his amnesia he lost his wallet so nobody knows who he is!!! I pull myself up by the shorthairs so so often, because I do project worse case scenarios. It's old thinking for me, I expected the worse, so of course, since I believe I create my reality, the worse would happen.
Thank my HP, today I can get up and say "today will be however I want it to be--I, and I alone, will make the choices of how I react to things, positive and negative". I looked around me back, oh shoot, maybe 7 or so years ago, and thought "yknow, I am going to release the toxic things and people around me. I don't have the room in my life for toxicity. It isn't why I sobered up." and with that came, slowly, the learning of what was healthiest for me in both mind, body and spirit. Of course, it took a very long time making those determinations, and I still am discovering the toxic things and thinking, but today, atleast I recognise them and know how to deal with them. Used to be, toxic was the norm, so I didn't recognise it. Kind of like, if you live downwind of a pulp mill, you get so used to the stink it stops stinking. You don't realize how bad it is until you wake up and can't stop coughing.
I do believe, every single day is a new day. It's a new beginning. Yesterday is gone gone gone, and I cannot hang onto it and stay sane, or get healthy. It may be an hourly admission of clinging and letting go, over and over. But if that's what it takes, yeah. I can do that. I don't want just sobriety, I want sobriety and the joy that comes with it. Catching the dry drunk before it turns into a wet one, eh? (and my poor sons will never know that I've turned them into amnesiacs a hundred times over, LOL) Keep at it, Sweetie. Love Wren
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Funny, isn't it, how friends and a Power greater than ourselves can neutralize nightmares?
