You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go </OA_HTML/ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?item=1271>.
Opening Ourselves to Love
Allowing ourselves to receive love is one of the greatest challenges we face in recovery.Many of us have blocked ourselves from receiving love. We may have lived with people who used love to control us. They would be there for us, but at the high price of our freedom. Love was given, or withheld, to control us and have power over us. It was not safe for us to receive love from these people. We may have gotten accustomed to not receiving love, not acknowledging our need for love, because we lived with people who had no real love to give.At some point in recovery, we acknowledge that we, too, want and need to be loved. We may feel awkward with this need. Where do we go with it? What do we do? Who can give us love? How can we determine who is safe and who isnt? How can we let others care for us without feeling trapped, abused, frightened, and unable to care for ourselves?
XXXXXX yeah, i think love is like watering a plant, however when i love now, i keep some of my heart in reserve.....like don't love too much, becuz for sure, it never lasts till "death do us part" rarely does it........i used to block myself from receiving love at all....now i am open to it, with reservations.....i receive someone in my heart, i always hold back "retainage" so when they leave, i can get over it........it has nothing to do with control or power or anyting, it just makes good sense to love them with limitations AND acceptance that "this could go away tomorow"...than what do u do if you have given too much of your precious heart.......
i need love, i will always make myself available for it, but i'll do it SENSIBLY.......case in point.....i had a wonderful sponser.....i thought we would be together till "death do us part" ..and i got into a hell of a bad patch......facing job loss---triggering majorally (was homeless twice over job losses) and so the ptsd symptoms were SKY high.....
well maybe i was too needy this particular time....life has been hammering me down on a regular basis, like the dark forces are pulling out the stops to derail my recovery and here i am tryin to "let go....let go....let go" and with my "impaired" trust/ faith in any God, i thought i was doing ok, considering.......but i WAS , i admit, getting frustrated with God....i now see that i have been looking outside of me for my diety, not WITHIN....the old coda crap....not looking WITHIN, but withOUT......
i dont' know what happened, but instead of just telling me "hey i have a bad day too, and lets do this comfort thing later" she just writes me and tells me essentially that i have been too needy...closed minded...and she needs to back off cuz i am not reachable.................END of case!!!! she worked my inventory ...only i work my inventory.....
well i loved this person, but recovery has shown me that if someone wants to leave U......LET THEM GO!!!! and so i did.....i grieved it last night.....gave thanks for the stuff i learned.....and than moved into "ok, what do i do now to take care of me????"....
i am getting over it better than i had thought and the reason IS...... i "love with the understanding that most likely this person isn't in my life for life, so love em while i have them.....WITH the acceptance that i am going to say goodbye one day"........so i am ok today.........got into a HELL of an AA meet last night, and heard stuff i needed to hear, and i think i am going to really pursue the fac2fac meets and reach out and TAKE CARE OF ME...
to get too close doesn't work for me......people come and go.....its not like it was 25 years ago when friends STAYED together, were more loyal, etc.......now its a paper society it seems to me........the computer is wonderful but i think it is over taking the HUMAN touch.....i am taking this sponser loss as a sign to reach out and FACE 2 FACE with people......but even so, relationships look to me like paper plates....beautiful while u got em, but not lasting......so sad......another thing i gotta work the steps on and accept...
We will learn. The starting point is surrendering to our desire to be loved, our need to be nurtured and loved. We will grow confident in our ability to take care of ourselves with people. We will feel safe enough to let people care for us; we will grow to trust our ability to choose people who are safe and who can give us love.We may need to get angry first -- angry that our needs have not been met. Later, we can become grateful to those people who have shown us what we don't want, the ones who have assisted us in the process of believing we deserve love, and the ones who come into our life to love us.We are opening up like flowers. Sometimes it hurts as the petals push open. Be glad. Our heart is opening up to the love that is and will continue to be there for us.Surrender to the love that is there for us, to the love that people, the Universe, and our Higher Power send our way.Surrender to love, without allowing people to control us or keep us from caring for ourselves. Start by surrendering to love for yourself.Today, I will open myself to the love that is here for me. I will let myself receive love that is safe, knowing I can take care of myself with people. I will be grateful to all the people from my past who have assisted me in my process of opening up to love. I claim, accept, and am grateful for the love that is coming to me.
XXXXXXX thank goodness i don't put my eggs in one basket......thank goodness i am not going to let this hearden my heart.....its like "ok, move on--- feel the loss----than move on to the next one"..........i will NEVER give up on love......i will not turn cold over a loss, or several losses.....just hang onto the ones i got...but also if i need to let them go...be ready!!! i can take care of me, i learned that...i can accept what i cannot change.....change what i can....let go the rest......i am slow to love, and i am glad of that...it takes me a while to trust, but i AM "reachable" if they are safe......... i can get angry and set boundaries, or leave, with love and peace if what they did isn't too bad.........my sponser left me with a lot of good knowledge....i KNOW i am loveable/ worthy/ deserving......people come and go....like revolving doors, they come in, they go out.....each one has something to teach me.......i look at it as i am a teacher and i am a student.....if love enters the picture, great, but realize that nothing here on earth is permanent......so i give my love with that in mind....the ability to LET GO when it arises.....
i am surrendering to love........but i think the "love of the old days" i think is gone....we dont' use our fine china anymore, we use paper plates.....sad, but i accept it.....i am open to the love i can give/get...... but the REAL love comes within me/ whatever HP i understand which is WITHIN me....i don't belive that any outside diety is going to interfer, but we have that part of the SOURCE is within us, and thats the part i pray to....that part of the SOURCE that is INSIDE of me....., i accept this....i have come to love me, well comming to love me and the few family members i know i have.......boy these "temps" make me appreciate the "perms" a LOT more.....
Thanks for the post. I look at things a wee bit differently than you, but sure understand where you are coming from. Years ago while discussing this very thing, a friend asked, Well, whats the worst thing that can happen if you love unwisely? Well, the worst thing I could think of was, I would be hurt. So we discussed it. I would hurt for how long, 4, 5, 8 weeks? Am I willing to risk it? What am I willing to risK? Am I strong enough to hurt? I decided I wasn't near as fragile as I was afraid I was. it was the old fear thing coming thru loud and clear.
So, now, I try to use my intuitions and my head together, and go whole heartedly for it. I won't say I don't get disappointed at times, but, I am strong enough to handle it, and, besides, I like using the "good" china. And, sometimes I set a beautiful table and use the good china just for me.
There is a huge world out there and I want to enjoy it with all of me. Every joy and hurt is a part of who I am, I am the total sum of my existance.
It is so important that we each find what works for us. Each of us is so different, makes it good to celebrate the differences. I am glad you have found what works for you.
