The goal isn't to do a successful inventory. The goal is to dig to the deepest levels of self-honesty. --Anonymous
The Fourth Step is the hardest one for many newcomers in the Program. It is so difficult, in fact, that some of us still waiting to do it are no longer newcomers. It's so hard to be honest with ourselves, that some of us never accomplish it. The consequence of this is low self-esteem, which draws us toward failure. Help is available, though. God, who knows all about us, is willing to help us get honest with ourselves. We only need to ask. Until we become honest with ourselves, we can't grow spiritually.Today I pledge to be honest.
XXXXXXXXX u know for me??? it was steps 1 through 3 that were the hardest....the "god steps" the 4th??? i welcomed it...i WANTED to know......"give me the truth---NO BS behind it"....i had been lied to , stroked, conned even by my own self in my sickness that the TRUTH was gonna set me free.... i was ready and loaded for 4th step, even tho i knew it would break my heart to see the damage done to me.....not just my abuser, but subsequent victimizations.....by life/ accident/ misfortunes/ bad relationships, ALL becuz i was too screwed up--- too trained to be a VICTIM......i was affliced with "learned helplessness".......so life hammered me down...over and over........at night i would go to sleep worn out by life's continuous disasters, and like the old man and the sea, life would kick me in the teeth to wake me in the morning......
honesty withme is what i wanted......if i knew WHAT was wrong, i could learn HOW to fix it..or at least manage it.......i have worked step 4 many times in my 26 months in recovery and am in it now as a matter of fact....i am in the deepest layers....lookin at my OTHER injuries....for so long the perp was on center stage, like he was the ONLY one who traumatized me ....well he was the ROOT of my demise, but i had so many **secondary** traumas, i am dealing with them now. and the shortcommings/ survival tools i developed in order to cope with the subsequent traumas....things i had "filed in a drawer" it was like "oh i got........................... oh well life is hell".....and i would file it, not to feel it, or validate it or grieve it out.....now i am.......
low self esteem??? try sub zero self esteem......and failures aplenty.........now i am getting honest with me.....sure, it hurts, but the "truth will set me free" i truly believe that most if not all mental/ emotional illnesses can be healed/ managed with total HONESTY---OPENESS----WILLINGNESS--------and i am all three.....i WANT to heal....i CRAVE to heal........yep, good bad or indiferent, i want to be honest........i know sometimes i go into denial for a short while so i can "get ready to" or "process" the pain at a better rate of speed....yes, but i WANT TO KNOW..........this program has allowed me to be totally and brutally honest with me/ and my shares on these boards i am sure have been shocking and stomache churning, but i keep being accepted, i keep finding love and validation and acceptance from my group mates....the SAME way i respond to them and their shares..........its good to know that i am NOT alone......WE are not alone............thanks, rosie
