Good morning everyone! I am really struggling the past week or so with the crap going on in my head. I have been thinking about drinking again and I know that is not the answer. I am having a hard time looking at myself. I want to be a better person, I want to have that serenity but in my head is all of this turmoil...guilt, regret, anger, depression....I am trying to pray for guidance and I've been going to meetings. I just really want to be honest with myself and I can't seem to look at my own actions and character defects without getting bogged down with guilt and depression. I have not been completely honest with my sponsor when she asks me how I am doing. I told her not great but haven't told her my thoughts about drinking again. In this alcoholic brain all I can think about is the temporary relief that drinking can bring me. I am trying to think through the drink to the end result and the feelings of regret and what drinking now would do to my sobriety. But I swear there are times when I just think F**K IT! Why be sober if I am not going to be happy?
I know that I don't really want a drink but right now it is what I know will ease my mind, at least temporarily. Nothing else that I have tried so far seems to be working at this point.
Thanks for listening....off to work now...grrrrrrrrrr.
'guilt, anger, depression' are all things that will make us feel like drinking again. Is your sponsor someone you can really trust and respect? are you holding back because of your own block? or something lacking in the sponsor? if it is the sponsor then I would change. I have a difficult time with feelings also, especially negative feelings like that,, and that is when I want to drink also,,,, but,,, I do try to work through the feelings in a positive and constructive way and end up learning and growing. You are right that that all needs to be resolved,,, and you are right that booze is not really going to do it. Depression often entails hopelessness, and I sense some feelings of hopelessness there. Do you think counseling might help you with the depression?
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I think at times we all get the thoughts to drink because that is what we do best. Thought's cannot harm you as long as you talk about them like your doing. Sometimes even on a recovery board you can get your thoughts out and it helps a lot. Eventhough I don't want to drink,the throughts to drink pop in my head every now and then. I don't worry too much about them knowing that many of years I actually followed through with my thoughts and drank,but now I don't because I have the program of AA and I'm not alone. Keep talking about your thoughts until you feel safe.
Wow, I went back to look at your profile to see if it Posted your Sobriety date, and it did, and the reason I did that was it sounded like you were in your fifth month. Many years ago, an AA Counselor told a group to "Watch out for the Fives", five days, five weeks, five months, five years, etc. (I don't know why I put the etc., the next would be 50 years, haha!) Anyway, I thought at the time, right?, I've never seen that in the book, or anywhere else. Sounded like a crazy superstition to me, but as I went through the Recovery Process, I did notice a "little" truth to it. She said in her opinion, at those times, we were more vulnerable to drinking.
Just some trivia, you might want to keep, or throw away.
Anyway, you were speaking about the thought of drinking, We are not responsible for our first thoughts, but we do need to try and change that thinking, ASAP. The drink is the Last part of the Slip, not the first.
I can remember not being able to "Shut off" that thinking Valve, and so I looked into, and began practicing deep Meditation. And Jennifer, I still use that, Practicing Meditation, can and does stop the thinking. And also telling your Sponsor about the drinking thoughts, that's what she is there for.
In Phil's Post yesterday on Anger, there was a quote about "using the heart to do the thinking", and I believe that when we practice meditation, we can access the "Heart for the Listening and also for the Thinking". The way I experience Heart Listening and Thinking, is there is not a lot of Self Sabatoge there, there is Only a quiet sense of self, or selflessness. When I trying reaching my Higher Power in Prayer, it must be through the Heart energy. The other way doesn't work.
Your best bet, is to go to a Meeting and talk about the thinking about drinking, the meetings can and do "talk you down" from that thinking. Talking openly to others about these thoughts has taken the Power out of the thought, I've seen it happen hundreds of times. This is very perilous, and dangerous thinking. (as you know)
I am going to Private message you some info on Meditations items that work for me.
Gorsky's Book on Relapse Prevention is also an EXCELLENT READ, for understanding the whole Relapse Process, and how it occurs and how to STOP it.
Wren also suggested something that sounded so good. It was to light a candle, sit in front of it and just do some deep breathing. And someone here starting using it, and it did make a big difference.
So I am saying a Prayer for you, (from my heart to your heart) that you can overcome these thoughts, after all they are just thoughts, can be replaceed with a different thought at any time.
I don't drink, no matter what, also, If your ass falls off, you don't drink, those are the two that I etched in my brain, when I was in my first year, we can go through some real "freaky, and horrifying" times in Recovery, and not drink, and so can you. God Bless you Jennifer, I have seen you doing so well, this is just a little or big bump in the road, and I feel really confident in you, that you will overcome. Thank you so much for putting this on the Board, that's what this Board is for, just like the meetings.
jen i had to do the "easy does it" thing with the STEPS and my sponser work......hey it took me a while to get this sick and screwed up, its going to take a while and effort to "unscrew" me...u know????
take it easy on U.....i know i beat me up all the time, and than i have to work the steps on what isssue is triggering the last "beat me up session"......fear of abandonment...fear of rejection seem to head the list.....just plain ole FEAR......so one thing at a time and i feel the feelings...post on boards, get esh, work with STEPS and sponser and get a balance going......
hang in there, it will get better if u stick with it..................ttyl/ rosie
I usually do not listen to anything my head tells me, and do not venture there alone, as it says in the big book we suffer from self delusion when it comes to alcohol.
Hi Jennifer, just read your post and the words could have come from me!! I totally feel exactly as you described I too struggle with all the guilt, shame etc. but the best thing to do is as everyone else has said try not to beat yourself up and take it slowly - it does get better if we dont pick up but sometimes we want serenity NOW and it takes a while. Good luck and good on you for being so honest. Hugs and loads of love Trudi.
Thank you all for your responses.....unfortunately I made the decision to not read them until after I drank last night. I just felt like my head was going to go spinning off into space.
So I will be starting over again.......damn.
I haven't called my sponsor yet either.....I am really dreading it.
I guess I will pray for the willingness again. To be honest and to be openminded enough to try this again.
You're in my prayers Jen. I hate this disease. Do yourself a favor and call your sponsor as soon as possible before it's too late. All those yets are still out there. Take care.
