If anyone is interested read this. The first part just about sums up alot about how I have operating all my life. Quite a shock. Maybe some of you can relate
THE PROBLEM
Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others. Early on, we came to feel disconnected -- from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with drinking and fantasy. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted for and wanted to be lusted after.
We became true addicts to our fantasies: drinking for more grandiose fantasy with and about self and/or to escape from our fantasies, leading to promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. "Please connect with me and make me whole!" we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.
This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love and life, lost inside ourselves and the bottle.
Our addictions to fantasy and to alcohol made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with others because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the "chemistry", the connection that had the "magic", because it by-passed intimacy, community and true union. Our alcoholic fantasies corrupted the real; lust killed love.
First alcoholics, then love and life cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next "Big Fix" would save us, we were really losing our lives.
THE SOLUTION
We saw that our problem was three-fold: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Healing had to come about in all three. The crucial change in attitude began when we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our fantasies, that our addictions had us whipped. We came to meetings and withdrew from our addictions.
We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the craving didn't kill us, that drinking was indeed optional! That Reality was preferable to Fantasy! There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive. Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our isolating obsession with fantasy, self and booze and turned to God and others.
All this was scary. We couldn't see the path ahead, except that others had gone that way before. Each new step of surrender felt it would be off the edge into oblivion, but we took the step. And instead of killing us, surrender was killing the obsession! We had stepped into the light, into a whole new way of life.
The fellowship gave us monitoring and support to keep us from being overwhelmed, a safe haven where we could finally face ourselves. Instead of covering our feelings with compulsive drinking and behavior, we began exposing the roots of our spiritual emptiness and hunger. And the healing began.
As we faced our defects, we became willing to change; surrendering them broke the power they had over us. We began to be more comfortable with ourselves and others for the first time without our "drugs". Forgiving all who had injured us, and without injuring others, we tried to right our own wrongs. At each amend more of the dreadful load of guilt dropped from our shoulders, until we could lift our heads, look the world in the eye, and stand free.
We began practicing a positive sobriety, taking the actions of love to improve our relations with others. We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back. We were finding what none of the substitutes of our fantasies had ever supplied. We were making the Real Connection. We were home.
