Just got home from a meeting. Feel like crap. I vented. The end of We Agnostics describes one persons spiritual experience and I was a real jerk about describing how I feel about that. My mind can't comprehend an epiphany. I believe that the spiritual experience comes with alot of time and alot of hard work with the steps.
I'm still irritated. I felt like telling this one guy what a jerk he is tonight. Bite my tongue. Today has been a rough one. I think I need some sleep. Too many crappy thoughts floating around upstairs. I'm a 33 year old loser and I'm just overwhelmed by how much work, time, money....etc. it's gonna take to have a life. I don't want to drink or drug but I don't feel like dealing with reality either. I'm just gonna give it to God and he can do whatever he wants with it.
My sponsor was supposed to meet me an hour before the meeting and he never showed. Right when I'm dealing with stuff and needing to talk about it. At my IOP we had a group on grief today. Yay. I'm still grieving over the loss of my girlfriend over two years ago. I just feel real alone and without friends and I don't know how to deal with this shit. If it weren't for my family I would probably off myself and then I could be with her in heaven or hell. God probably wouldn't want me. Not an option. Life will get better. God help me.
Its late in Eskimo country...and its time..to blow out the lamp...
I just wanted to reply to your share before doing so...Sober...
Your 33 years old..my freind.....You have a lot of living to do yet..
I guess I just wanted to share..that you are not alone..and as long as you dont pick up a drink..one day at a time...you never will be...
This grief stuff hurts...Its real...and it causes pain inside, that can floor us....I know..Ive been there...
It can throw our emotions all over the place...
We can try to throw up walls..and fight it....or we can feel the pain...and ride out the process...
Some can go through grief processes very quickly...others cannot...I had one hell of a time with it...
A lot of it is acceptance....and letting go...
As I went through the process....some of it was...denial...anger..what if...depression..regrets..
I became stuck...
Your 33 buddy..Im 58...
I realize that Ive got a "H" of a lotta livin to do yet..and that my lifes not over...eithers yours...
We get knocked into the ground....we get up...we carry on...and some days that just isnt easy...
Letting Go..of yesterdays is a biggy...but as hard as it may be...we hafta...
How can we live in today...and go forward..if we still stuck in yesterdays?
Other people can peave me off.."IF I LET THEM"
A lot of things can peave me off..."If I Let Them"
Serenity prayer...
A lot of people used to tell me..."Itll be ok"" and my silent response was..."Yaaa Right." "Bullshit"
Well.. the bottom line is...A lot of things didnt turn out "My Way"..its as simple as that..
And when I got sick and tired of trying things my way..I surrendered...
Today..I try to do that each morning...I just look up..and say "Take it."...
Never give up the ship buddy..and never give hope...
I have no idea where my life is going...Ive got a few little goals...and if they are meant to be...theyll happen...if they arent...then..someone up there has something else in mind...
Let Go my freind....just Let go... Just do the best yu can one day at a time..and keep doin the do things...Itll be alright... Thinkin of yu...
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
Yeah, bad days do hit, don't they? But like you said, Justin--you know what "worse" is, so as for today, tomorrow has to be better.
Grieving is a long process. We grieve for people that have come and gone from out lives for various reasons, but we get through it as long as we don't drink. It doesn't mean that things are wonderful simply because we're sober--it just means they're a hell of alot better than they could be.
When I drank to hide from those feelings, it just made them worse. They were just there waiting for me to jump on. When my daughter went to prison for murdering a man, I really didn't think things could be worse---and then I remembered. Oh yes, they sure could be.
Sometimes our sobriety is the only thing that is "better" in our lives, and that's okay. At some point, our sobriety will touch the rest of our parts of life, and make that better too. You hang in there, Justin. You got a whole lot of better in front of you, just like Phil said. I'm 55 (and not that far from Eskimoville myself, LOL) and when I have a messed up day, I go to bed knowing that I have tomorrow, and that my Higher Power, Bless Her, will take care of my 'today'. Wren
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Funny, isn't it, how friends and a Power greater than ourselves can neutralize nightmares?
I quit drinking for 3 years without AA. But without help of AA, I culd not learn how to live with and handle my emotions. I caved. I was ready to check out. It was my final try at Life. I gave myself over to the care of the group. I lived in a recovery home for 8 mo. I did what they asked. I still rebelled. Against sponsors. Against those who could help me most. I persisted. Some stubborness might have helped. I gave my life over to my third "try-out" sponsor. Did steps and whatever he else suggested. Complained less. Along about my my fifth year a crisis forced me to surrender my life to a Higher Power. I prayed, though I never expected any God to hear, let alone help me. I prayed, and some time later I began to experience relief. My higher power was doing for me what I could not do. I began to help others, and liked it! I quit fighting.
Now he's the Boss. I'm so, so grateful for 8(+) years of Live-able, fun Life. The sobriety they promise is real. We just need to work. It is only hard work when I get in the way. I promise you that you will feel really cool about living. Just stick with. Don't fight. Just do. You will win. Sooner that I did, if you just trust, have faith in those trying to help, and in you. Peace to you! -paul
I think it is a general fact that our minds cannot comprehend an epiphany until it happens. I believe the spiritual experience can happen any way God wants it to.
My own basic recovery epiphany happened when I least expected it,, and before I had been in the program even 2 months. It was like this... and I drew a picture at the time:
I had been brought up without having a family that loves or helps each other, and I am oldest child so had a lot of extra responsibilities too in that dysfunctional chaos. so I spent my life trying very hard to attain things on my own, to survive on my own,, to deal with life my self,,, and I finally 'hit the wall'. I was institutionalized with a major breakdown. I was sitting in my hospital room, thinking that that was that,, no hope,,, crash, splat. I felt like Icharus who had had wax wings and had tried to fly,,, had gotten high but had only succeeded, in all that striving, to melt the wings and crash to the ground. splat.
but, justin, God then stooped down to me, and lifted me up. That was when I was given the Big Book and the 12x12 and attended my first AA meeting. And I had my epiphany,,, of God reaching down to me, when I couldn't reach up to Him,,,, and He has revealed Himself to me in ways that I could never know on my own. It was a matter of letting Him reveal Himself to me,, and letting Him teach me,,, being open to an epiphany. So giving it to God is a great idea. Being angry at God is understandable, and He can take it,,, so you can yell at Him and challenge Him,,, He understands that we are human. And it is okay to cry, too. That is part of grief.
Calling yourself a loser,,, that shows stinking thinking. You said you are overwhelmed by how much time and money it's gonna take? You know the future? Live in today, just for today. I'm sorry your sponsor didn't show up. does that happen often? I'm glad you posted your share here. It does sound like depression,,, and depression can be part of grief. You are not drinking so you are feeling the crappy feelings. "This too shall pass"... Some people do a gratitude list when they catch themselves in a lot of negative thinking. Some people do 'affirmations'. It is true that "the best is yet to come". Don't miss it.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I too have been haivng crappy days and wish for my pink cloud to come back when I first was sober. Just last night I was wishing for my mom who has been dead for 3 years. I still miss her bunches,so I sort of had a conversation with her thinking of what she would say to me. She would say "how sorry she was for me going through what I'm going through" and just love me through it. I'm not a loser,but have spent the last 12 years being a stay at home mom. I let any prospects of a career go down the tubes and now that I'm divorcing my husband,the only thing I'm good for is a waitressing job. It's all hard work and I could cry being I'm so tired at times. I though have to stay humble and know that if this was ment to be,then it's honest work and I'm sober because int he end that's all that counts. Not much of a spiritual wakening I'm afraid,but it's the truth. Maybe the pressures of going back to my old career would be too great and I'd drink over it,so here I am sober and poor. At least I have time to spend with my kids and can work at night and not have to pay a sitter. I guess too that you can look at the good in a situation to out wiegh the bad. (((((((((((Huggys)))))))))
Thanks everyone. It's a new day. I'm still hurting but I'm going to try and get out of myself today. Try. Life on lifes terms. I have a court date today. I pretty much know what's going to happen. No big deal they just want $$$. I had a case of stinking thinking last night. I guess it's depression too. Oh well. Life goes on.........
" When a drunk has a terrific hangover because he drank heavily yesterday, he cannot live well today. But there is another kind of hangover which we all experience whether we are drinking or not. That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion--anger, fear, jealousy, and the like. If we would live serenely today and tomorrow, we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers. This doesn't mean we need to wander morbidly around in the past. It requires an admission and correction of errors now. Our inventory enables us to settle with the past. When this is done, we are really able to leave it behind us."
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
I'm a 33 year old loser and I'm just overwhelmed by how much work, time, money....etc. it's gonna take to have a life. I don't want to drink or drug but I don't feel like dealing with reality either. I'm just gonna give it to God and he can do whatever he wants with it.
OH sober U R NOT a loser....look at me, in recovery at 56 years, old, i am nearing 60 now.......and i am not a loser....i still have hopes of SOMETHING good for 4 me........its better "late" than never......
like phil said..."U have TONS of life left".....or words to that effect......i like ur "just gonna give it to God........................" smart choice!!!! peace / rosie
All I can say is "This too shall pass ..." Some days are better than others.
I try not to take my emotions, moods & wandering deep thoughts (which can tend to be pretty grim) too seriously. I think meditation has helped me a lot with that.
