I have just won on the grand national but I cant even be arsed to work out what I have won. I am feeling a bit down, I think it is my partner, I have suppressed my feelings for 5 years and done everything her way, now I am doing something for me and it threatens her want want wants and she is being really "off" with me,
I am having a bit of a bad time, but I cant miss out this opportunity to go to UNI- I missed it out in 2001 and lost my mind the drinking was bad before then dont get me wrong but it got a whole lot worse in 2001. that was the event that got me to drink and drug24-7 instead of just in the evening, again dont get me wrong I always always drank until I fell over, but It worked for a while, I would make friends have parties and get love and attention, it was like binge drinking but the binge never really passed which eventually got worse and worse.
I am not coping with my job, it is far too stressful, and for YEARS I have been putting other people before me, believe it or not I am happy now with a peaceful life and I do not want for much but I work this job to pay to keep up with my partner, I wont be able to do that when I study, and I know it will be hard, she will not change her ways for anyone, I can live on alot less than we do but she cant, it has to be the best food and the best everything else. I can see this bouncing back at me I just can....
Well first of all congrats on winning the money.. i didnt even do the sweapstake at work..too lazy to walk to othe department.
Well you're right you cant give up your chance to go to uni.. If your partner truly loves you then she will have to lower her expectancies.. if she wants the best of this and that then she will have to get a second job to pay for it.. i dont see why you should have to pay for all her stuff.. im not being all anti woman here or even taking sides.. im talkin about fairness.. Really, if she truly loves you then she should be backing you in your choice to go to uni!!!..
I guess you gota talk to her mate.. Find out what it is she really wants.. I hope it isnt just materialistic stuff just for her.. I hope she wants you both to be happy regardless.. I hope she wants you to do well and succeed in what you want to do..
I guess you both gota decide if you both want the same things and then go from there..
Well im not saying what should or shouldtn be done here.. Im just offering my support etc..
But it would be horrible to get so far down the line then think.. .. WHAT IF ?? Ya know..
I think alot of people give up their dreams and ambitions for the person they love then years down the line the couple drift apart and they are left thinking.. i wish i had done ... and what if id have... etc etc..
I hope you both sort this out .. in a way that suits you both.. if you are not both happy then ... well i guess only you two can decide what to do...
Best of luck mate.. .. Hope all decisions are made sober..
It is fairly common that when one partner changes the other partner prefers the status quo. If you have really lost your identity and your life in this relationship then it is a codependency and I support your efforts to make healthy improvements. My family is like that too,,, I am the only one in recovery,, and they are still acting like we all did 35 years ago. I had to get strong with my mom at one point... I just really firmly told her that I needed to make some changes and was not going to allow the sick stuff to continue. She got really angry at first, and resisted and manipulated and pouted,,, but I stood firm,,, told her I loved her, and myself,, enough to want things to be healthier. After a few months,, when she saw that the changes really were healthy and I was determined,, she accepted it. If she didn't I was willing, and told her.. to make space enough between her and I to protect my recovery.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
This throws me back to a memory, of my husband getting really sulky and silent, and when we went for a ride, so we could get out and talk. He was sitting in the car, in a Park, silent, (I had about 11 months in the Program, had spent 4 of those months away, back in California, and I was back to see if we could work things out).
I had changed, that is for sure, not feeling real strong, but oh so teachable. And I simply asked him, What is it you want. Well, he hit his hand on the steering wheel really hard, like he almost broke it, and said "I just want my Wife back" It was so facinating, really, he wanted that Drunk that he could control with shame, and remorse. I also was going to a meeting a few blocks away everynight without fail, and could see that he did not want me to go, would always get kind of pissey about it. Pretty sick stuff really, it was a turning point for me to see, that there was no way that this was going to work for us, and I soon, silently planned my return to California.
I hope that things work for you, and as Rob described, that you will be able to find some mutual reasons to keep going, and building a stronger relationship.
But getting into the University is Number 1, and keeping your Recovery first in everything, that is what I finally learned, and so when I put my Recovery before my twisted marriage, it did not work out. As Amanda stated, it was just a very Co-dependant, and also remember on the first page of that Book, Co-Dependant NO-MORE it states that Co-Dependency can Kill you. I use to think of it as a more harmless thing, not so.
Sorry, didn't mean to get into my stuff, but just wanted to say everything will work out when we remember to put or Recovery in Front of Every Thing!
Maybe getting to a Family Therapist to discuss these things, Therapists have a way of cutting through our old way of talking to each other, and getting to the core stuff.
I do hope that things work out for you and your Friend.
Hugs to you, things do get better, but sometimes they just get different.
Toni
P.S. The movie, "When a Man Loves a Woman" , is an Excellent film on the changes that happen when an Alcoholic gets into Recovery, and it does really get into the emotions of how the other feels so freightened by the changes going and doen't know how to fit into this new picture. Definitely might bring some insight into what is going on inside her.
Hi mate Well first of all congrats on winning the money.. i didnt even do the sweapstake at work..too lazy to walk to othe department. Well you're right you cant give up your chance to go to uni.. If your partner truly loves you then she will have to lower her expectancies.. if she wants the best of this and that then she will have to get a second job to pay for it.. i dont see why you should have to pay for all her stuff.. im not being all anti woman here or even taking sides.. im talkin about fairness.. Really, if she truly loves you then she should be backing you in your choice to go to uni!!!.. I guess you gota talk to her mate.. Find out what it is she really wants.. I hope it isnt just materialistic stuff just for her.. I hope she wants you both to be happy regardless.. I hope she wants you to do well and succeed in what you want to do.. I guess you both gota decide if you both want the same things and then go from there.. Well im not saying what should or shouldtn be done here.. Im just offering my support etc.. But it would be horrible to get so far down the line then think.. .. WHAT IF ?? Ya know.. I think alot of people give up their dreams and ambitions for the person they love then years down the line the couple drift apart and they are left thinking.. i wish i had done ... and what if id have... etc etc.. I hope you both sort this out .. in a way that suits you both.. if you are not both happy then ... well i guess only you two can decide what to do... Best of luck mate.. .. Hope all decisions are made sober.. Rob-- Edited by Rob at 12:54, 2006-04-08
Hiya we have spoke, the top two for her is to buy a house and have children
I agree with Rob---you're only like, 26? And will be able to enrich your lives so much more once you've completed University.
We have been taught that 'home and children= security", and if I remember right, she has a panic disorder. Her fear may be of losing you as you grow into new areas, and these two things will appear to her to be stability, when in fact, stability will be much more likely once you finish. As someone who has had this disorder for a few decades now, I recognize when I'm speaking or reacting from a place of fear, and that may be where she's at.
There were things I didn't finish when I was still young enough to, because I chose home and children. I love my children, no question there, but wish I had waited until I had had more time to find out who I was and my capabilities as "Chris" instead of being in "Mommy and Wife" roles. No resentments, just some minor regrets that I didn't get my education done first. I played the dickens getting it while I still had children at home.
Phil posted on showing compassion for ourselves as well as others. Maybe this is the time to show compassion and understanding for your own needs, as well. Prayers are with you, Wren
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Funny, isn't it, how friends and a Power greater than ourselves can neutralize nightmares?
well, yeah,, and toni writes also about letting fear run our lives. Sometimes it is really selfishness too,,, which is why this program encourages us to actually stop being self - ish, and self - willed and start letting God run our lives in His wise way. Children is fine, and I believe in letting God decide when to create them,, but whenever you have children they will be much better off if their father is in recovery and developing himself and potential and abilities than if their father is just a drone. A house can wait, eh? A house is not a home,,, you need to work on being a loving thriving home to put kids in that will be nurtured and well cared for, whether the home is a house or a flat.
I agree with the counseling idea,,, would she agree to that?
love in recovery,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
well, yeah,, and toni writes also about letting fear run our lives. Sometimes it is really selfishness too,,, which is why this program encourages us to actually stop being self - ish, and self - willed and start letting God run our lives in His wise way. Children is fine, and I believe in letting God decide when to create them,, but whenever you have children they will be much better off if their father is in recovery and developing himself and potential and abilities than if their father is just a drone. A house can wait, eh? A house is not a home,,, you need to work on being a loving thriving home to put kids in that will be nurtured and well cared for, whether the home is a house or a flat. I agree with the counseling idea,,, would she agree to that? love in recovery, amanda
Hi there, I have arranged some counselling but I dont think she will carry it out, and I agree with the house / home thing. I am getting better but the thought of having kids scared me to death b4.
