Why do I...

Rob · Senior Member

Why do I...

soberdrunk · MIP Old Timer

I've got an easy answer for you.

Alcohol owns you.

Plain and simple. One thing I can promise you though. If you try and take this one day at a time it will get easier. Just keep telling yourself " I will not drink today." That's what I do. Forget about yesterday, forget about tomorrow, and life becomes a heck of alot simpler. Oh yeah, I forgot Don't pick up that first one!!!

Cabbageheadchris · Senior Member

Hi Rob, got to agree with the post above mine. You do need to make a decision and take action.

The action you can take is:

Do nothing... See how far down the road you want to go. http://www.dignityfunerals.co.uk/dignity/brochure/brochure.jsp

Sorry about the plug for the company, it just pisses me off when I have to do a funeral for a 30-50 whose just not got help and they come in from the hospital yellow from liver failure at the age of 36???????????????

If AA Face to face meetings don't work for you at the moment you could always try your local NHS community alcohol support team. They provide a free service for assessing your condition and deciding on the best solution. The phone number will be on a poster at your local doctors. You get seen faster if you phone them direct.

AA Meetings. I didn't want this at first, but honestly they do help.

999 If you go really tits up, give them a call and just go with the flow, some people may have to go into a hospital for a detox, easy week on librium tablets, with a drip in the arm and vitamin saturation. Hospital food in my local one is ok but it's boring and then again you have the chance of contracting MRSA.

Or just go cold turkey and get people that you trust to help.

We are here to support you.

All your choice.

Best wishes to you, As you know you have my number, any time you need to talk.

Chris.

amanda2u2 · MIP Old Timer

hey, Rob,, that is actually a good piece of creative writing! and some real thinking, too. I'm glad to see it, and hope you keep writing and expressing yourself like that. Looks like you also have a least 2 brain cells left. Have you ever done writing before?

It looks like Chris has some good ideas there,,, and he is in your part of the world so he knows the ropes there better than we might from here. Looks like you have an AA friend there. Now you have two numbers that you can call. Trying to throw you a lifeline.

God bless you today,,, you're in my prayers,

amanda

cooncatbob · Senior Member

1 word "Surrender"
The paradox of recovery is that we need to surrender in order to succede. We are conditioned in the western world to fight and never give up. only by admitting that we are powerless do we gain power. I'm probably not making sense but I believe that I have as much will power and tenacity as any body walking the face of the earth. I know how to eat the elaphant (one bite at a time). I could stop drinking, for a week, a month, 3 years, but I'd always start again and things would be worse then ever. When I hit my bottom I'd come home at 5 pm and would go to bed by 5:30, I felt like a ballon that the air had been let out of, I felt empty, I felt like I was in the bottom of a dark hole and that the sun would never shine on me again. I said to myself, to God, "I can't do this anymore Help Me" I swallowed my pride and I went to a outpatient treatment center near my home (I believed that AA was some shit made up by some old drunks back in the depression, but modern science would cure me) I got in that treatment center and my counselor Jack had 15 years at the time introduced me to AA and the world of recovery. Wish I could tell you that my life has been wonderful ever since but that would be lying, I've gone through some of the worst emotional pain of my life since I got sober, but that's just how life is. My life is much fuller then it was before and it all started when I took that first step surrendered and asked for help. Good luck and may God Bless you. I'd like to commend you on your manners and your good humour in the face of adversity. There have been people in the past on this site that have taken kindly given advise as a personel attack and have gotten rather nasty.
Take care, Bob.

-- Edited by cooncatbob at 19:22, 2006-03-31

-- Edited by cooncatbob at 19:24, 2006-03-31

Toni Baloney · MIP Old Timer

Hi There Rob,

I read your Post, and I agree, very good writing.

My own take on all of your questions: If you took the first 3 words, and changed them to:

(replace Why do I with)

Why does the Disease of Alcoholism do............................................

If you will look at it from that propective, I think the answer will be there.

When the Disease of Alcoholism has us in it's Grip, and I believe it has you, there is only one direction, downhill.

There are many disease that the human race has. Some are are completely treatable, not real serious,

Then there are other Diseases', that have a more grim, Fatal nature to them. One of those Diesease is Alcholism.

The definition of this Disease is referred to as: A Physical Allergy, combined with a rather severe compulsion of the mind, once that allergy is set off by the first drink.

Rob, if I were to pick up a drink today, which would a predictable action (because I do have this Disease), it would set off the compulsion to drink. I equate picking a drink, just one drink, would be the trigger point of setting off this insane Compulsion to continue, until I was dead. Picking up the second drink, would have no decision to it, the Disease would be off and running in me.

For all of us that have years in this Program, the reason we are all so Grateful to a Higher Power in our lives, is because it was the moment that we gave up the fight, surrendered to God, begging for help. As mentioned in a previous Post, it is the Act of Surrendering. Simple, Give up the fight, ask God to help you. Real simple stuff, but for many of us, it takes a long drawn out battle, before we do that, the surrender part. And sadly a lot of Alcoholics never get there, to the surrender part.

There is a place in the AA Book, that speaks to the fact that every Recovering alcoholic will have a moment, where there will be No Human Defense, against the first drink, this fatal disease. Only a Higher Power can come between, and save us from our sure horrible deaths from this Disease. And they also talk about every Alcoholic, still somewhere inside believes he can drink like a normal person. I've seen hundreds try, never has happened to date. This is called a Relapse.

Was going to try and keep this one short, never happens really, haha,

Sorry, if I start rambling myself, so try thinking of this as a situation you do not have control over, because I believe the Disease is Controlling you.

The Treatment of the Deadly Disease is actually pretty simple, definitely not EASY, but Very Simple, it Starts with admitting Powerlessness over this Disease, picking up the telephone.

Alan is the Starting Point, here for you, you have other numbers now, Chris gave you the other numbers for getting assessment and help.

It is only a one day at a time Program for all of us here and in AA., there is a Spiritual Solution, requires surrender. you can do this Rob, I believe so strongly in my heart that you can give this a try. Try breaking down tomorrow into sections 5 minutes at a times, seconds at a time, they all ad up to hours in a day. The beginning is tough, no way around that. But you have what it takes, you have been here on this site with us so much in the last month, my heart tells me that you want what we have. Reach out your hand, Please.

Baby steps, in the beginning, AA will promise not to let you fall. Come on, give it a try.

Set Rob, the dear soul that we all see in you, set him free, of this Disease. Just pick the telephone.

So tomorrow is another day, and if you can reframe from Picking a drink, in the first hour, then try repeating that for the next 23.

God Bless you dear, and you know I wish you the very best, Toni

Rob, remember it's a WE Program, and we are HERE, for you.

-- Edited by Toni Baloney at 22:17, 2006-03-31

iffer · Senior Member

Rob,

I asked myself the very same questions for a long time....why? why? why? I tortured myself for years trying to figure it out.

When I came to AA they told me why.

The Big Book tells me why.

There are answers but no easy way to go about fixing the problem.

Alcohol- cunning, baffling, powerful

Without help it is too much for us

There is one who has all power...That one is God.

May you find him now Rob.

My prayers are with you..

Jen

Rob · Senior Member

I know its the disease etc..

I just felt like writing something like that.. Felt very deflated yesterday.. think i may do today.. but its early.. im tired and i havent soberd up completely yet so duno for sure.. sleep still sticky in my eyes..

i duno what today will bring...

I didnt go to the meetin last night.. it was abit wierd really.. I came home from work.. .. I actualy stayed off the drink long enuf so in time to go to the meeting i had a bath and came on here etc... But something inside me just didnt feel right bout going to the meeting yesterday.. I think it was a combination of the fact the meetin was an hour and a half long and that it was a place i hadnt been before and i duno it was abit too close to home.. and i also had this idea that i might bump into someone i knew there and didnt wana deal with that.. daft realy cos theres no real likely hood of that.

I actualy drove there.. and drove past it twice, saw the people standing outside.. i did park up for a few mins and thought about it.. but yesterday i just couldnt do it.. So i went to take away then got drink..

I had got home from work at around 4pm but i didtn start drinking till about 8:30pm.. which was unusual.

Tonights meetin is at same place as yesterday.. but today its only an hour long.. and its abit earlier... duno if ill go or not.. I just didnt like how i felt yesterday.. kinda scared.. not just fear like other meetings.. but a kinda scared feeling inside me.. hard to explain..

Theres no need for you guys to say i can walk through the fear and not to worry etc.. and get inside that meetin.. i know all that.. and i could hear you guys sayin that to me when i was driving past and when i was parkd thinking about it.. but i just couldnt do it yesterday..

hmm i think i was gona say something else but too tired cant remember now..

amanda2u2 · MIP Old Timer

Sometimes when I'm planning on doing something and about to go and do it,,, I get this feeling inside.. kind of negative... kind of anxious and ... hard to explain... almost agitated.... and yet, I know that it is something that is good for me to do.... and then I have to ignore how I feel... sometimes I have to just do it no matter how I feel.

I know we talk,, I talk about getting in touch with my feelings,,, but,, acknowledging my feelings doesn't mean that I should let those feelings rule me.

to tell you the truth,,, sometimes those feelings are the disease talking... the disease tells me things like... "forget it,, it's hopeless",, or "why don't you leave well enough alone,, don't rock the boat",, or just kind of "BOOGA BOOGA"... almost to a point of a panic attack.

toni talks about fear sometimes,, and phil put a couple of good things up about it. and, hey,, how about winston churchill? oh,, wait a minute.. I think that was franklin roosevelt.. ummmm "THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF"

well,,, I guess it's early morning for you... and late night for me... so.... anyway... see ya later

amanda

Toni Baloney · MIP Old Timer

what I do today is look at Alcohol as ifit has a skukk and crossbone on it.

When you think about drinking tomorrow, try thinking of pouring the Disease in you not the beer.

It is a deadly substance to us, would you drink another poison, almost the same thing to an alcoholic.

Hope you can make it through today.

Hugs and best wishes for a good sober day, you can do it, I believe you can.

Toni

Michelle · Member

Hey Rob,

That was a nice bit of writing there. Good Job! How are you doing right now? Keep your chin up and keep trying!

zoomie · Senior Member

Hi Rob, a meeting is not going to stop you from drinking nor are we, we and the meeting can only help you stay sober. When I could not stop on my own and stay stopped, I went to a meeting and threw myself into AA and did what was suggested like 90/90,read AA books,got a sponcer... It was a lot of work,but so was drinking. No one told me I had to do a hundred push ups,nor do anything illegal. My sponcer's most favorite thing to say to me after all was said and done was "don't drink and go to meetings." I needed simple things to hear being I'm pretty dumb at times. Perhaps a detox is in order for you or a hospital stay if you cannot stop on your own. It's all up to you being that there are many ways to go about getting sober. Do it soon though,before it's too late.

Robert · MIP Old Timer

Ive never heared of a stupid Alky. I know of someone who would not work this program as he felt it was too simple, not sophisticated enough for him, the poor sod ended up drinking himself stupid and thowing himself out of his office buiding several flights up, god knows what must have been going through the poor mans head,

It does not need to get like that, leave your feelings aside and trust it works.

Doll · Veteran Member

Rob wrote:

Why do i do this to myself night after night Why do i want to do this to myself Why do i desire to do something that makes my life so shit Why do i want something that i DONT want!??!?? Why do i want something so easy yet so hard? Why do i do something so destructive yet so promising? .........

When I asked myself these same questions 8 months ago, I discovered the answer is

I'm an alcoholic!

Rob · Senior Member

Doll wrote:

Rob wrote: Why do i do this to myself night after night Why do i want to do this to myself Why do i desire to do something that makes my life so shit Why do i want something that i DONT want!??!?? Why do i want something so easy yet so hard? Why do i do something so destructive yet so promising? ......... When I asked myself these same questions 8 months ago, I discovered the answer is I'm an alcoholic!

Yeah i know i am .. I just felt like writing something like that.. as it was in my head.. Not exactly poetic a such.. theres probably a term for that sort of thing but i duno what it is.. As i said i just wanted to write something like that as of how i was feeling..

I know im an alcoholic... Im still getting over the fact i said "Im Robert and im an Alcoholic" at tuesdays meeting..

Though so far today i havent had a drink..

amanda2u2 · MIP Old Timer

wtg, Rob! Sometimes it is just a minute at a time cuz a day can seem soooo longgg

God bless you,

amanda