stupid thing was.. cos i had finished work early i thought.. "well if i drink abit earlier than normal but dont go over the 4 cans ..then tomorrow i will feel better".. which would have been true.. but.. hmm not sure how much i drank last night.. but im not sober yet.. im not off my tits or anything like that.. but my head is not clear yet.. fair few hours i expect..
Your posts made me feel better cos i felt so embarassed when i first woke up cos i could remember some of my post.. not all of it though..but iv read that and your comments.. thanx..
Im still embarassed though!..
I hope you are ok Chris, .. if you are readin this.. How ya doing today?
There is a meeting tonight not far away.. but its at 8pm,, i finish work at 3:30pm on a friday.. so that gives me 4.5 hours to kill.. and have dinner.. .. but i guess i could get a taxi to meeting if i do drink.. but they're so fucking expensive around here..
I dont blame you for wanting to slap me.. lol so much female attention im not used to it..
But yeah i hear what you are saying..
The one thing i love about not drinking at night is waking up with a clear conscience... no regrets and no embarassments.. ffs
Yeah ... after a while the "well ..I was drunk" excuse doesn't cut it. I think that's part of the "AA ruins our drinking" thing.
How far is the meeting? Nothing like a good walk. Just make sure you don't walk by the pubs. Sounds like they're one of those places you need to avoid for the time being. When I first got sober I was a bit apprehensive about my basement as that's where I did most of my drinking in the final days.
Now I've got it all fixed up and workout, paint, etc. down there. After time those places and associations we fear lose their power to cause us anxiety. It gets better a day at a time .. for sure. Start stringing those days together.
It was a one-man party for me most of the time. I tried not to venture out too much ... no telling what would happen when I did that.
Get to the meeting (sober) and see if you can hook up a ride with someone. Hope you're getting some phone numbers. Folks should be glad to help you out if they can. Just tough it out without drinking, get to the meeting, then go home and go to bed.
well, rob,, I figure it this way.. I go to meetings and I see all kinds.. drunk, sober, dry, in recovery and not,,, sleeping, outside smoking, chairing, sharing.. that's all on them. I really do care, and am willing to support your efforts, and be patient,,,, but it boils down to this --- it is your life, your health, your decision. We have shown that we care,, and that we want to support you,,,, and also that we really don't get into a lot of bs. You can be drunk if you want,,, or you can decide that you really want to sober up and get into recovery,,, or you can continue to try to straddle the fence. It's up to you. We realize, as we've shared that it is at your own pace, as it was in each of our lives,,, and that sometimes it is a slower process, and sometimes it is 2 Steps forward and 1 step back. I'll be here, working my program and participating in the fellowship at any rate.
and, yeah... hey, Chris.. are you alright now?
God bless you,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Hey Rob, I was just thinking about you (there's like an 8 hour time diff from here, right? I'm west coast). Wondering if yu had made it okay to work and all. If you'd made it to a meeting last night.
Alot of folks had some good things to say to your post today, hope you read them with your heart.
Know that I pray for you, Rob, and not condescendingly either. My heart truly does hurt for you, gods how I remember going thru this shit and hating it, and just not being able to stop until I was ready to be brutally honest with myself.
You guys have buses there, right? Maybe a bus, bet Alan would give you a ride. I've picked up dozens over the years to get them to meetings, it's all part of it. Like I said, stop trying to be a hero and doing it on your own. It doesn't mean you're weak to ask for help, it means you have a horrible disease and you need help. I'd hope, if you're appendix burst, you'd go to the hospital? well, this isnt much diff. Rob. This will absolutely kill you, only much more slowly. It's magical, really. ~poof~ Watch everything in your life disappear. Including your life.
Take care, know you're in my thoughts today as you make decisions, and use your phone my friend. Blessings to you, Wren
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Funny, isn't it, how friends and a Power greater than ourselves can neutralize nightmares?
Stop it!!!!!!!!!! Please, get a grip!!!!! We really do care about you! I'm gonna email you every day, going to annoy the shit out of you! Please help yourself babe! :)
Hi Rob, I hope you make it to a meeting tonight. You last post had me thinking "I'm glad I'm not drinking any more and making a fool out of myself." I see a a man very alone in this world and it makes me sad. If you had tons of friends and family,you would not be here posting. Why are you so alone? I'm glad we can be of serivce to you and helping you not feel so alone,but it's really up to you weather or not you put down that drink. If your seeking attention,you got it,but I'd much rather have the positive kind...
Sitting in the driveway....with your foot on the gas pedal...and your transmission in neutral.....with your engine burning fuel......does not get you to your destination..
All it gets yu is an empty gas tank...
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
hmm its about 6-7 miles!.. i have walked home from town drunk many times in the past.. but not for along time.. i dont drink in pubs.. hardly ever!.. now.... i drink at home.. hard to avoid this place..
I would call the A.A help line and get some one to twelve step you, that way you will get a lift to and from the meeting. sweet...
Well when I read your Post yesterday and this a.m. After going on and doing some other reading, when I came back to your Post. There was a memory of a song that kept going through my head.
Desperado, "Come down from those fences, you've been riding so long,
And let someone love you, before it's too late"
Out of context with the actual lyrics, but a song, and the words i would listen to a lot when I was sitting on that fence, unwilling to come down, and I would not let anyone love me. Truth was I didn't believe I was lovable, well, in Recovery I discovered that I am just like everyone else, and that means I am also lovable.
Rob, you can get on the bus now, before you injure yourself more, or injure another person, you are already in a full blown self destructive mode. Drinking most of the time, and wondering whats going to happen if you stop. As you said, it is so familiar, well self-destruction can be and is a very familiar place. Most of us know that one, and have been scared to death of what will happen to me if I let go of this "learned" self destructive behavior.
The Yets are just waiting for you, the Disease wants to and will take everything from you, and if you continue sitting on the fence, the Yets are there, just waiting, DUI, Hospital Stays, you are young, and still have a lot to lose, and this Disease WANTS you to continue, until it takes everything from you, including your life.
Two words for Today,
Homeostasis: Moving forward with balance and toward our healthy state of being.
Hyperaxis: Moving toward our own self distruction and death.
Makes a lot of sense to me that you were raised in a self destruction home, and you do not know another way, constant referral to "old habits" and how to deal with life, your way, the self destructive way.
There IS another way, it is in Working the 12 Steps of Recovery OUT of this Disease, it has taken many thousands of people "bent" on self destruction, and turned their lives into productive healthy human being, shedding all of the old "just learned behavior" You can learn a diffenent way, but Rob, you have to want to, not need to, WANT to.
I was thinking of you and feeling so sad for you, and thinking dear Rob has maybe not hit Bottom, that's when something horrible has happened that you have to face. In the AA Big book, it speaks to the fact that all Alcoholics must hit a bottom, before there is motivation to change. Very sad information.
Alan is waiting for you and probably Praying that he will hear from you. Sounds like you are coming to a point of making a decision. Which way you go is your Choice. I know there are many people here that care about you, but it's not going to work, if you don't care about you. And what someone wrote yesterday, is so true, commit to 90 meetings in 90 days, and then if you still dont want it, they will promise to refund all your misery.
Early Recovery was like ICU to me, scared to death that I would drink, and so I became a person that made it through, I believe that is was the fear that helped me get out of ICU. But my friend, with you, you are not afraid of drinking, and that makes me very frieghtened for you, (that's if you were an ICU Patient).
Lots of love, and I am Praying for you, and you choices.
Toni
P.S. I did not look up those two words, so I am not certain of the second word spelling.
"Makes a lot of sense to me that you were raised in a self destruction home, and you do not know another way, constant referral to "old habits" and how to deal with life, your way, the self destructive way."
I wasnt raised in a self destructive home.. my parents didnt used to drink every night.. .. i started long before they did..
Rob wrote: "stupid thing was.. cos i had finished work early i thought.. "well if i drink abit earlier than normal but dont go over the 4 cans ..then tomorrow i will feel better"..
well, sometimes we're in a dysfunctional environment but we don't realize it cuz it is all we know, and we think it is 'normal'. That's how it was with me. And I didn't know really enough to know what i wanted cuz I thought that was all there was. We don't know what we don't know. It's unknown,, and we have fear of the unknown. Getting controlling with Rob by demanding that he do this or that is not consisttent with how this program works. He is seeing glimpses of how it is,,, in recovery in all its phases... getting his toes wet, as it were. He is beginning to want what we have. He is beginning to see what it is that we have. We remember how we vacillated in the beginning.
Do the best you can today, Rob. We're here.
God bless you,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Good Morning Rob, Sorry, it sounds like you think I was criticising your parents, that was not my intention. Didn't mean to offend you, sorry. Someone asked me once, when I was really confused, about a lot of diffenent things. to sit quietly, and silently ask myself, "What do You Want?" The answer did come to me in silence. And I am asking you the same thing Rob, "What do you want". Somewhere deep inside you, the answer is there. So I would be interested in the answer. Toni
Im not offended.. Just figured i had given the wrong impression about my parents.
well, sometimes we're in a dysfunctional environment but we don't realize it cuz it is all we know, and we think it is 'normal'. That's how it was with me. And I didn't know really enough to know what i wanted cuz I thought that was all there was. We don't know what we don't know. It's unknown,, and we have fear of the unknown. Getting controlling with Rob by demanding that he do this or that is not consisttent with how this program works. He is seeing glimpses of how it is,,, in recovery in all its phases... getting his toes wet, as it were. He is beginning to want what we have. He is beginning to see what it is that we have. We remember how we vacillated in the beginning. Do the best you can today, Rob. We're here. God bless you, amanda
i guess the current environment is not at its best.. but it wasnt alwasy like that.. i got hooked on drink when everything else was great.. mum n dad had no problem of their own with drink everything was fine and well GOOD.. I cant help but wonder if im the reason they started drinking....
well, sometimes we're in a dysfunctional environment but we don't realize it cuz it is all we know, and we think it is 'normal'. That's how it was with me. And I didn't know really enough to know what i wanted cuz I thought that was all there was. We don't know what we don't know. It's unknown,, and we have fear of the unknown. Getting controlling with Rob by demanding that he do this or that is not consisttent with how this program works. He is seeing glimpses of how it is,,, in recovery in all its phases... getting his toes wet, as it were. He is beginning to want what we have. He is beginning to see what it is that we have. We remember how we vacillated in the beginning. Do the best you can today, Rob. We're here. God bless you, amanda
Hi Amanda... Actualy i really appreciated this post.. thanx..
.....
Not thought quietly yet Toni... btw i doubt that YOU could EVER offend me so no need to appologise... Actualy it takes a hell of alot to offend me anyway.. i dont really believe in it!
Rob, I know how you feel. I wish you all the luck in the world. For me the remorse and shame is still there but getting easier if I dont have a drink! Good luck with recovery. Love Trudi
I was just reading your post. I've been paying attention to all of your posts since I've been on here. We all want the best for you Rob. The truth of the matter is it's up to you. You have some tough decisions to make. I had to write a letter to alcohol. Might sound goofy but I did it and I was surprised what I put on paper. I love liquor and I always will. It's hard to cut loose something I love.
I second what Toni said "call Alan." Are you scared to call him? I would be. It's hard to pick up the phone. Overcome your fear and just do it!! How much could it hurt? You know in your heart what the right thing is to do. Not to mention what everyone's telling you on here. Like the Nike commercial "just do it."
