I better start off by sayin iv just opened my first can... I didnt drink before meeting or anything.
OK.. I went to my second meeting tonight.. Was shitting myself again before hand.. Got in there spoke to alan... He said to phone him instead of drinking, i said well basicaly i said like id said on here that i did think about it but didnt know what to say and didnt know that i wanted to talk etc.. he said basicaly everything you guys said.. just to phone him and say hi.. or say that i want a drink etc.. i told him im part of an internet forum for alcoholics anonymous and that they/you had said the same thing.. I said "so i have been gettin some support".. he told me abit more about his history etc..
OK so the meeting itself.. Well I felt alot better this week, think there were a few less people but im not sure.. it was more that i felt better, more relaxed this week and that things were more familiar.. I was dosed up with kalms and vit b and even had chocholate bar beforhand cos thats good for energy and perking you up isnt it..
I am glad that i am not as bad off as some of the people in there.. the main guy to speak tonight said about having bottle or more of wine before drivin his daugther 179 miles.. and also drinking on the way there at different stops, his daughter would go off one way for toilet or wotever and he drank then.. i think he managed abottle of wine throught the journey.. then when he dropped his daughter off he went to an offi and got 4 cans of tenants super, which is similar to what i drink, and he said that he drank them on the way home.. and he had one other can of tenants that he found in his garage that hed hid there a couple of years back.. He went to aa because his work or something was gona make him go into hospital, i think i missed abit of the story but anyway going to aa got him to be an 'outpatient' rather than an 'inpatient'. I was thinking "Wow" and how graitful that i am not that bad... but i guess i should include the words "well not at the moment".. cos i guess you never know how far it will go..
A few other people talked and again they sounded so much worse than me.. but i totaly empathised with them and in no way did i pass judgement.. iv no place to do that and im a very understanding and open minded person anyway..
I was asked if i wanted to speak which i replied "Not today thanx"..
OH crap i forgot to say .. and this is really important.. .. Well, hmm better backtrack alittle... Alan said before meetin that i was the only one who could determine if i was an alcoholic or not.. he said "you might not be, i dont know and im not gona say you are.. only you can do that".. i said that i knew i was.. but .. Well this is something i had pretty much decided to do all day.. well last few days i have been trying to get it into my head that i gota say it.. and this might sound amusing but iv actualy been practising saying it so that i could have the courage to say it outload... . ..
So .. when it came to saying our names and how many days we'd been sober etc (obv i drank last night so i couldnt say any days).. .. i said "IM ROBERT AND IM AN ALCOHOLIC"
I actualy said the those words...
I dont think it felt as bad as i thought it would...
So im really pleased with myself for actualy saying it.. Iv known it for a long long time but saying it is a different thing all together..
ok .. After i declined talking they asked the other Robert who was there.. who had 3 days.. he said a few things..
Felt for one guy because.. well he did speak he said that he needed to get it out of his system.. ..and i cant rem rest.. he was abit freaked out... he started talking to guy next to him at one point, whilst a woman was having her talk.. i couldnt hear what he was sayin but him and guy.. Carl i bleve his name was, left the room.. carl came back but he didnt..
OK.. so on to the part that realy kinda .. well it made me smile, made my heart melt alittle and really put the cream and the cherry and filling to the cake.. At the end of the meeting i said thanx to allan, shook his hand and said id see him next week.. he said for me to take care and to call him.. anytime.. i said thanx again and turned to leave.. A woman stood up and spoke to me.. Polly.. She smiled at me.. said for me to come back.. chatted to me abit. .i chatted to her abit.. she said "we hug here" and we hugged.. swapped names.. .. like i say we spoke alittle and she told me to come back etc.. i thanked her alot and said i would.. i told her that last week was my first meeting and things just didnt feel real but this week they DID feel real.. And i cant tell you really how that made me feel.. Nothing makes my heart melt more than a nice woman smiling at me and offering my ,.. well whats the word(s).. made me feel welcome, made me feel not alone.. gave me hope.. made me feel part of it..and she offered me encouragement etc.. . I dont know if she realises what a total difference she made.. She really did.. i couldnt help but smile..
The whole meeting this week had been better.. i wasnt so stressed once i got in there.. i was stressed but nowhere near as much as last week. This week i found i could listen so much more than last week.. last week i was a bag of nerves and anxiety.. and it was overwhelming.. but this week was very different.. This week i felt as if i was at the start of something.. something that i really liked.. Somewhere i could finaly fit in.. Obviously i am not surrounded, generaly by people who have much of an idea the life of an alcoholic can be like.. I dont think i realised how lonely i was untill i found that i did not need to be alone.. Does that make any sense to you guys? Iv always seen it that loneliness is simply insecurity and although i havent abandoned that thought entirely.. i am very insecure and i am very aware of that.. But and i dont think i care anymore.. before i was like.. well if i need someone to be with me then i need to find out whats wrong with me as a person so i dont need anyone with me. and i do lots of things on my own and i have no problem with that, alot of times i prefer that.. But i dotn care anymore about trying to be .. hmm well im not sure... what im saying is that I am loving the feelng of people caring about me.. of not being alone.. the prospect of not being alone is a far more appealing prospect than making it on my own.
Like i said.. this week was very different in many ways to last week.. maybe its cos i had two days of sobriety and i got out this weekend.. all good for the soul.. maybe its how i timed the Kalms and the vit b.. etc.. i think it may be a combination.. But going to another meetin tonight was the best thing i could have done.. and i enjoyed it! ..thats right i enjoyed it..i coudlnt deal with stayin for the second meetin cos there are two tonight.. .Maybe next week or week after or wotever i will stay for second meeting..
It amazing.. how people can be.. I met a guy last week called john, cos he was mates with alan and sat with us.. just seeing him say hi and take care and see me again etc..
I feel part of something... Which is a feeling i havnt had in a long time and to be quite honest with i think im going to feel more of apart of something than i have EVER felt EVER at ALL..
Whenever you see the news or read the papers you see war, murder, rape, stabbings, muggings etc etc etc.. and my faith in humanity has been gettin smaller and smaller over time.. But i go into a place like aa and suddenly its like there are people are there who are actualy really nice.. the world isnt just filled with complete arseholes..
Obviously im including everyone on this website too..
Ok..
Also I have been reading more of LIVING SOBER today.. iv been hiding it a fishing book so that if someone comes over to me when im in car or walks past they cant see it. but i think im onot page.. 34 i think. and im reading it pretty much word for word.. im tryin not to skip bits.. and its interesting and helpful..
Obviously as i said at the very begining of this post i have a drink with me .. i realy dont know if i will get drunk tonight though history suggests i will. But i do feel abit of an awakening in me tonight.. that i only have because i went to the meeting.. I think next week will be easier and easier but i am gona try to get to more meetings this week.. It was suggested to cram as many meetings in as possible.. especialy in the early days.. and iv been thinking that anyway.. But we shall see..
Ok i think iv remembered everything. if not ill have to edit the post i guess.
Thanx again so much to everyone on here for your support, advice and info.. especialy when i have had a question.. ... As i have said previously .. I do believe i would have made it to a meetin at some point but you guys on this forum have really helped my gain the courage and give me the support i needed.. and i cant thank you enuf.. I hope you all feel pleased with youselves for giving me this support and helped me grow the balls, perhaps faster and bigger than i would have done on my own..,. you should.
Only two meetings and it seems to be getting better already, hey?
I can relate so to the "fitting in" I never felt as if I fit in anywhere my entire life. I remember my first meeting when someone approached me and told me about more meetings. I felt like someone actually cared about me, and I cried all the way home.
Yea for you.
Keep going back.
P.S.: Hint: It works way better without the drink, though!
yea i know it would be better without drink.. but old habbits .. etc.. i am making progress.. tonight was amazing..
Yeah i didnt cry but my eyes did have the early stages of water etc.. maybe if had have had more energy i might have.. i did feel abit emotional.. happiness and sadness.. but happiness in the form of hope and no being alone..
Glad to hear about what's going on with you. To be honest, I can't even tell you what my second meeting was like or who was there. Life was such a blur back then. It's great to hear that you claimed yourself as an alcoholic at the meeting. That is the first step in this wonderful program...admitting we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanagable. Notice it doesn't say I or me. This is a we thing, and we are all in this together, for good or bad. For me it is easiest to stay away from alcohol just thinking about life as a day at a time thing. I didn't even realize that I had 30 days until I looked at the calendar a few hours ago. LOL!!!
Keep up the good work Rob!!!! Just remember to take it one day at a time. Meetings are wonderful. I'm glad that you can see that. Take care and keep posting!!!!
So glad you posted the experience. It is truly amazing how "feeling like you are finally around people that genuinely care how you are doing, and are all so positive", I agree, it is an amazing process.
It was very touching to hear you speak about those feelings, of not feeling alone anymore. That is the Program, my friend, and you need never feel alone again.
I personally believe that those old habits, will begin to have "lost their power", is that not why you drank in the first place, to compensate for the feeling of being alone. Deep sense of isolation??
Well from my own experience, I do recall the initial attaction to Alcohol, it would go down, and warm up my insides, take away that gut-wrenching isolation that I did not see in others and that no one understood, how scared I really was, and made me feel like I was part of the human race. Alcohol was my very best companion for many years, until it turned on me.
In this Recovery Home I was in many years ago, we were instructed to write a "grief letter to Alcohol". That was quite an experience. When you are ready, you might want to write one of those letters. Just a little suggestion, it helps lay it to rest.
So very glad you are here with us, I could write a ton of stuff to you, but I will close with
A Great Big Hug, and Love,
Your sister in Recovery, Toni
And by the way Rob, my opinion is that You are part of this Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. You have been to two meetings and are planning to go back to the meetings, so Welcome to the Program. God Bless you.
Just a P.S. A "feeling of coming in from the cold", and God bless Polly, sounds like she's been there too, like all of us. We all come in to A.A. feeling like you are feeling now, remember that, please. As Justin stated, it is a WE Program, all the way.
ACtualy i dont know why i loved drink so much at first.. i just liked to be able to go inot my own little world where everything was how i wanted it to be..i dont know if it was due to lonliness or not. i have no idea at this point..
obv i AM still drinking.. but tonight was one of the best nighs i have probably ever had.. i will not forget Polly talking to me.. just her smile and acceptance, reassurance etc.. will stay with me forever i think.. I bet she has NO idea of how much she helped me tonight.... i will try to let her know at some point... i want her to know that she did help and that she made a massive differnece.. i mean dont get me wrong. alan has made a big big differnce tooo. i guess its because she just stood up and talked to me.. as opposd to alan agreedto see me.. i see them as both helpfull.. bug ya know.. hope you can see what im saying...she just stood up and said hi.. cos she had seen my reactions to talks.. mainly to the bit where main speaker said about us staying attatched and not losing attachment etc.. i will be forever graitful to polly.... dotn get me wrong im not gona go all silly over polly.. i get that part of aa n shit.. yeah opposite sex etc.. but no.. im not gona go like that.. ..
wow! That is so amazingly great, Rob! and, hey... next try this one - "Hello, I'm ____, and I'm a recovering alcoholic. And then, later on,,, "Hello, I'm _____, and I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic.
wow.. that is 3 posts from 3 guys who are well on their way now.. and enjoying the fruits of the early stages of recovery already. I am high on the pure joy of it. Thanks to every one,,,, and especially to God.
love in recovery,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Congrats on your second meeting. Isn't it a great feeling to know you aren't alone? I have to tell you it just gets better the more you go....
Just today I was at a meeting that I have only been to a couple times because I am usually working during it and the guy that was chairing the meeting remembered me from a couple months ago.....It really made me feel like "OK I really AM a part of this thing" What a feeling to be welcomed and accepted instead of judged and criticized....and for exactly the same thing...drinking. Thanks for sharing and keep it up...it works if you work it!
