Well i got away as planned friday straight from work. Traffic and weather was a bitch.. had a few stops on the way, took about 6 hours or more to get there.. had my brewers yeast and kalms and wasnt doing to bad.. Parked up at around 9ish pm i spose.. read some stuff from Staying Sober and also the Big Book, not alot just abit... Got a fairly decent sleep in my car friday night.. and for some reason i didnt get any sweats!.. i was very suprised bout that.. and the fact i slept fairly well,,, well considering.. Iv never found this car too comfortable to sleep in but i can honestly say i had the best sleep in this car than i have had previously in it..
I had something for breakfast and had my kalms and brewers yeast again (gota keep the vit b intake), got onto the campsite.. hardly anyone there.. eventhe main toilet blocks were locked, had to use shower block toilets.. Got my new tent up, well same sort as old one just newwer model, without any real probs.. Headed into town to get some money and some bait for fishing. Got back to site.. put my Flotation Suit and started gettin my fishign stuff together.. couldnt blve id lost part of my tripod.. ffs.. had car upside down.. not a good time.. Even though id had kalms i was still feeling allittle freaky.. ... gave up looking and had to use my dodgy small tripod... so couldn use both my rods.. just the new one.. but the tripod is kinda not best suited to this size rod...
Daft cos this one small thing had me freaked out.. like things needed to be perfect or something.. I hadnt had a bad sleep due to withdrawls but i was having the familiar panicy feelings of withdrawl.. .. Cast my bait out.. had a few practises.. had to keep councelling myself cos i kept gettin irritable and kinda scared bout everything ffs..
Weather really got shit.. it had started off sunny and warm in the morning but now it was dull as dull can be.. and started to rain.. so this really really did not help my mood.. I kept reminding myself to be possitive. Things kept feeling like they werent real.. dodgy insanity moments i guess.. Like this wasnt happening to me.. that this wasnt my life.. that i wasnt in this situation.. this mess etc.. Stuck it out for 3-4 hours (cant rem exactly).. then packed up.. Pleased i had held it together.. All the time thinking about aa and my life and this website and everything.
I wanted a drink.. but didnt give myself much option (mentaly) of having one.. fuck me the weather was bad.. the fileds where water logged but my new tent seemd to be holding out brilliantly.. so im well pleased about that..
so i went into town n got some dinner then came back to tent got my stuff into the tent ready for bed.. I have a portable dvd player so i got that in there and got into sleeping bag... n i watched the film DRUNKS atleast twice in a row.. think it started a third time but ended up turning it off.. cos soo tired.. I slept again not too bad.. no reall sweating.. again amazed by that..
Got up ok this morning and got everything packed.. all calmly and i hadnt had any kalms or brewers yeast (which give me energy) at all by then..
Get my stuff all sorted.. made some sandwhiches for drive home and for breakfast... kalms, brewers etc.. Then i read some of my NEWECOMERS pack for aa... Then closed my eyes for ten mins to chill out.. Then headed home...,. A good drive home.. no real bad traffic.
But as the time got closer to gettin home the more i was thinking of meetings or drinking or wotever.
I knew that the main offi in my villiage was closed.. but the one i had to pass in village before mine was open.. I told mysleef i just had to drive past it and use the toilets in my villiage then decide.... i drove past that one.. but on way to my viliage i remed that SOMETIMES, only sometimes the offi is open late.. so i drove past the toilets and found the offi to be shut so turned round to head back to toilets then remembered that as its sunday they would be shut.. so i kept on going and went to offi in other villiage (one id just driven past) and bougth beer and im having some now. FFs
I did think about coming home and phoning Alan or somebody.. He had said to pick up phone and call him instead of picking up a drink.. which i did think about doing.. but as iv thouht more than once this last week.. wtf was i gona say to him..i didnt really have much to say.. just that i wanted a drink.. What could i do.. .."ring .. ring.. .".. "Hi Alan. its Robert.. i want a drink...".. !!??!!!??
Well thats my weekend.. anyway..
I hope you all had a good weekend.. I didnt have a bad weekend, better than last week but it was not great!.. I did have 2 nights withought a drink.. ffs.. tomorrows meetins look miles away but tuesday will be same meetin a last week which i have every intention of attending!
yeah thanx.. actualy i just edited the post cos i forgot/missed out the bits bout me feeling like things werent real etc.. but i know most of that is down to the withdrawl etc.. and also my fear of reality..
I am working on it.. as i keep sayin but i am drinking today.. not mashed yet.. but im sure i will be.. but i soo much intend to make meeting tuesday.. tomorrows are too far away.. so hopefuly just shower and get my head together and hopefully read aa stuff tomorrow.. glad i read what i did this weekend.. all made a difference.... its helping me to understand my condition.. even if im not strong enuf YET to obstain..
I agree with you...Understanding this dam disease..and how we get to where we are..is a big plus..
And then walking into another world..without a drink...is scary as helll...
I didnt really know..how to function without it...It ran me...It did my thinking for me...made decisions..and I became nothing more than a controlled slave..to it...
Just like being in a jail cell for a period of time...and they let you out in the street...Holy Hell.. What now???
I kept going to the meetings..as you are doing..and slowly but surely..it got better...and the learning process of living without the booze...started to sink in...
Keep Smilin!!! Have faith!! Dont give up!!
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
hey, Rob.. welcome back! *hugs* Sounds like you had an okay weekend. Tripods? I never used any,,, always had to hold on to my fishing rod myself.. haha. Rained out? awww,, but your tent held up,,, yea!
No sweats! that's great! Praise God!
I have felt at times like things weren't real like that. And it is also when I feel really scared about something. The psychiatrist I went to at that time said that it is called 'dissociation'. We are physically there, but we mentally step back. The AA thing about living in the present helps that,,, not the future, not the past,, just the present moment,, like just this one minute,, we can handle that, with God's grace.
Sounds like you took another good Step. Now, you just put one foot in front of the other and take one more step... the next meeting. You are making a transition here. Steps in a new direction,, more constructive, more positive.
God bless you,
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I did think about coming home and phoning Alan or somebody.. He had said to pick up phone and call him instead of picking up a drink.. which i did think about doing.. but as iv thouht more than once this last week.. wtf was i gona say to him..i didnt really have much to say.. just that i wanted a drink.. What could i do.. .."ring .. ring.. .".. "Hi Alan. its Robert.. i want a drink...".. !!??!!!??
Actually, Rob, yes that is exactly what you do and say. The hurdle is, call and say it before you go to the store. That is all I"ve ever needed to hear, and I would get in my car and sit with the person who'd called, letting them say what they needed to, or just sitting with them silently. It's the action of reaching out that counts, not the context of the conversation.
It sounds like, regardless of the rain, it was a decent weekend for you, and you were able to get thru the couple days. Disassociating like that is common when detoxing. It's remembering that this will pass in a few days that I would hang onto "back when".
I want you to know, that I read every post by you. You are giving us a chance to reach out to the newcomer, which is the biggest dynamic of AA, and you are a constant reminder to me of what keeps me saying "just for today". I remember, I believed my best (in my mind) conversations with AA people over the phone was when I was loaded, and was sharing all the "almost dids" and all the excuses, and waiting for the back pats. Jesu! What I was doing in actuality was co-signing my own B.S., and I was reminding those other people of why they stayed sober. They must have loved me like crazy in my home town. If they were tempted to go back out, they just had to swing by my house to see how I was doing. I was a two-legged deterent.(assuming I could stand up at the time).
So thank you, Rob, for keeping me on my toes, and reminding me of just where I came from, and why I never want to go back. If I feel the need for a drink? Damned straight, I will call someone and say " I need a drink". I'd rather say that than sit around waiting to see if I live another week or not. Wren
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Funny, isn't it, how friends and a Power greater than ourselves can neutralize nightmares?
Sounds like you have an interesting week-end. And so good to hear you reading All of the AA Material, and two days without drinking - Good for you, and not those sweating nights.
Those 164 pages in the AA big Book, are what helped me understand, or begin to understand, that I was not alone. And that did sink in, in some time. And you are planning on Going to that Tuesday meeting, and seeing the same people. Really great.
As far as calling Allan, and saying "I feel like drinking", That is exactly what the phone call is about, nothing else. You said you didnt have anything else to tell him. In my opinion, the first statement is what he is looking for and might be able to assist you.
When I talked to a young woman, who had relapsed, she said, she would call me. And that is what I had told her, call if you feeling like drinking, and I smiled and said, preferably before you drink, but call either way. She has not called, but I am looking very forward to seeing her at tomorrow's meeting.
Making some real good progress. And I agree with Wren, it is the Act of picking up that five hundred pound telephone and dialing his number, thats the big part. Just try and remember that Allan has been in your shoes, too.
I can clearly remember calling this Sponsor, she said everyday, so I would everyday, and sometimes i was pretty loaded. She would ask the next day, "Oh, you remember calling?" Sponsors or people that have given you there telephone number, REALLY do want to hear from us. That I do remember.
A Great Big Hug, and you are doing a lot of really good things for yourself.
I did think about coming home and phoning Alan or somebody.. He had said to pick up phone and call him instead of picking up a drink.. which i did think about doing.. but as iv thouht more than once this last week.. wtf was i gona say to him..i didnt really have much to say.. just that i wanted a drink.. What could i do.. .."ring .. ring.. .".. "Hi Alan. its Robert.. i want a drink...".. !!??!!!?? "
YES as all ready stated here many times. That is exactly what you say........it's an excellent place to start...... you're in my prayers.
Rob. Any day is a good day that I don't drink. Today was a good day. Glad you called your sponsor and hope you get in a good meeting. You'll get there. Keep it on. Stick with us. May not seem like much, but it will get clearer as time goes along. You are on the right track! paul
hmmm... you could say that,,, but there are no rules about what to say. A few people have had my number, and have called me,, not exactly saying that they want a drink,,, but going into what the situation is with them. Like, for example, one time one was at work and there was a situation going on that was hard for her to handle,, so she was a bit on the verge of being upset. she didn't know how to handle the situation, so she called me and we talked about what alternatives she had, and then she picked the best one, which didn't involve drinking. Another one was having problems with a relationship with a man who was in the same group,,, they both had under a year of sobriety, and it was a very unstable and unhealthy relationship. In the context of it, if I give my number to a newbie, the newbie could even just call and say, "I don't know what to say." or, could just say, "I just called to say hello" and go from there. The person you call has probably got enough recovery experience to hold up a conversation. He'll probably ask, "How are you?" and then you could tell him. It's not like a job interview or exam or anything, so no need to worry about what to say. Be patient with yourself, and with him.
God bless you today,
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Welcome back Rob. Sounds like your weekend was not too bad.
I was thinking as I was reading your post about what the AA literature was like for me to read the first time. I really couldn't understand alot of it at first. Then after going to a couple of AA meetings and hearing some people talk I decided to try to read some again. As I did it this time I underlined or highlighted all of the things I read that I could relate to. At this time I was still drinking and it helped me to see that I was not the only person to feel like I did about alcohol.
I also wanted to say that I know exactly what you mean about calling someone and just saying "I feel like drinking" It sounds crazy...I still struggle with picking up the phone and calling someone, even my sponsor, when I am struggling. I tend to isolate and want to do things on my own. If there's one thing I've learned in the past 3 months it is that I can't do this alone. It is too much for me.
Thanks for sharing on this message board and take it one day at a time..or one hour..or one minute...
Rob. Any day is a good day that I don't drink. Today was a good day. Glad you called your sponsor and hope you get in a good meeting. You'll get there. Keep it on. Stick with us. May not seem like much, but it will get clearer as time goes along. You are on the right track! paul
Hi Paul.,.
Thanx for your message.. Well i dont have a sponsor.. and im not gona get one just yet. And didnt call Alan, the guy who gave me his number.. i was just talkin about not knowing what to say to him.
Acutaly i did kinda text him on mobile phone yesterday.. i had been drinking and had been asleep for a while, id just woken up and i cant really be sure why but i txt him something like "i drank after meetingin tuesday n wednesday n thursday, friday i went to wales, away for the weekend, didnt drink fri or sat. i am going to meeting again tuesday".. or something like that, i deleted it off my phone this morning so i cant rem word for word.. He didnt reply but then im not surprised.. not like i was asking anything..
Thanx everyone else too for your support and advice and info and experience etc.. it is a big help... I do feel that iwould have got to aa eventualy but talking to you guys helped me gain the courage. And knowing you guys were behind me and that you knew i said i was going to a meeting and that i was gona tell you guys about it when i got back made the whole thing alot easier.. especialy the bit .. the bit where i said "Right lets go, we're fucking doing this!" to myself and got out of the car and headed through the church yard to the meetin place... The help, info and advice i've got on this board made a massive difference it really did..
When I came around I asked everybody I could for their phone numbers. Mostly I didn't wait around for them to offer. Some of them probably thought I was an asshole but I didn't care... I figured they should put their $ where their mouth was.
A few times when I was really screwed up in my head and wanted to drink I had to go through a few dozen of those phone numbers before I reached a real live person (my resentment grew with each answering machine). For the most part I think it was me making the effort that kept me from drinking. Occasionally I got a word of wise council ... usually something simple like "it will pass". And often I found I woke up the next day, not having drunk, and thinking ... wow.. what the hell was I thinking?
Moods come and go. Nothing to drink over. In fact none of it is worth drinking over. It doesn't matter. Hang in buddy.... and BTW, I'm trying to quit tobacco after a 14 year hiatus. I'm on day 2 and it's harder than it's ever been. A real MF'er. I'm sweating it out too.
The "easier, softer way" will keep you in a bottle. I am praying you get to the bottom of it very soon, before it's too late..... Dear Lord, please give Rob the gift of desperation. amen -- Edited by Doll at 18:12, 2006-03-27
Hi Doll
I know what you are saying but i am a slow learner and it takes me a while to adapt to things.. I cant rush in there.. Im not a very social person anyway, i dont really hang about with lots of people outside of work hardly at all.. I figure iv got to go to a few meetings till i get more of a feel for them and it starts to feel familia and natural to me.. I am often very shy and social anxiety kicks in often too. The easy does it, too much too soon stuff ya know. Everyone is different some people may be able to go straight in and talk to people, talk outloud at meetings and get a sponsor and all kinds of things and it might work for them.. But iv gota do this in the way that works for me.. So im gona attend a few meetins and go from there.
