Went to a meeting yesterday, attendance was real small, only about 12 people showed for this meeting, which was very unusual.
But what was also unusual, were that there were three people in this Meeting, that had Relapsed.
When they introduced themselves, the Secretary asked are you new or RETREADS, Yiks, I didn't care much for that comment. Oh, well, that's just me.
One spoke of Relapsing after about a year, said she was doing great, had a Doc. she was working with and was reading tons of Self Improvement Books. Felt Good.
One said she had Relapsed two weeks ago, and was scared to death of Drinking again. Did not want to talk, just wanted to listen. I gave her a card after the meeting with my phone number and told her she could call anytime. She said she had the AA book, and was attending many meetings.
The third person, said that he had NINETEEN years, and was at a very fancy resturant, and just ordered a drink, and then four more. That was over this last week-end and he said he could feel that Relapse coming up, had been kind of fanitasizing what it would be like to just have a drink, after all this time. So he said he was not surprized about it at all.
I am bringing up this experience of yesterday because the differences were facinating to me, or rather the preception of Drinking. All Being Alcoholic.
It made me feel so Grateful that I am still Scared to Death of the thought of Drinking. I Pray to God, that this Monsterous Fear will always remain foremost in my thinking. When I am in a Store and pass the Liquor, I will still see a Skull and Crossbone on those bottles.
Trust me, I am NOT making judgments here, I am thinking about the emotion of FEAR, and how we as Alcoholics have and live with and stuggle with different Fears, all the time. I have hopefully, learned how to Pray to remove most fears that just bog down my thinking. But the Big one, The Fear of Returning to Drinking EVER AGAIN, I Pray that God will always keep that Fear alive in me.
Staying close to the Meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and actively working the 12 Steps, is the Best Insurance I can have.
More than anything, I think yesterday meeting brought up a lot of FEAR in me, none of us are any different, we are all Alcoholics, the Disease looms over my shoulders, just like everyone else, waiting, so patiently just waiting for me to slip up in my thinking. That alone scares the H___! out of me.
Solution, Put my Sobriety in front of everything, everyone, everyplace. If I can remember that this Sobriety is a Gift, my most cherished Gift, maybe I will be o.k. But Safe from this Disease, I don't think so, have to do the work daily to remain Sober, time does not matter in this Program, how often we see that. Sometimes I think some time in the Program is more of a detrament than a Plus.
So the meeting yesterday scared me really, but I am o.k. with being scared like that.
I don't know if I should even Post this, my thoughts were just rambling a little here. But I guess that's what this Board is for. And if today I feel a little scared of this Disease, well I need to write and Post it.
God Bless you all and God Bless this 12 Step Recovery Progess.
Thanks Toni, was good to read your post reminded me of my last 'relapse' and the fear of going back to a meeting, but I am so grateful I did and with each meeting i find a renewed sense of hope and gratitude.
I get daily reminders on why I shouldn't drink anymore for example......
Opening my wallet.......
Having to check in with my probation/parole officer.......
Waking up in the "guest bedroom" of my families house..........
Oh well, I was trying to be funny. I get reminders at meetings too. I thought it was kind of weird going to meetings at first because everyone that had driven there actually had their license to drive. Not me...
I need reminders too, especially when I start to rationalize and justify things.
There was a television movie a long time ago, about an Alcoholic father that got into Recovery, and Relapsed, then Recovery, then Relapse, on and on.
The end comment to the Movie was from one of the sons in the movie, "The Boogie Man is Always There" Never forgot that line. That is EXACTLY how it feels.
i liked what was said about "letting ur guard down" like not workin the steps, not talking w/sponser, not doing the program EVERY day, and than there is no guarantee that one is not going to $%$% up!! i know, been there, done that...
that is why i like the ONE day at a time and there are times i have to "begin my day" a few times in that day.........constant VIGILENCE keeps me going on the right path.......soon as i think "oh i got it" i am in deep doo doo........rosie
That's all true, and I know it very well. But,, the way I deal with it is... 'just for today'. I try to stay in the present and deal with staying dry and in recovery now, and trust God for later.
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Relapse is part of sobriety, unfortunately. But, relapse is not a requirement. I relapsed twice, once after 8 months and I was active for nine months. The second time was after 20 months of staying dry, and I was back out there for a little over 10 years. Sometimes, relapse is easy, getting back to AA and sobriety isn't so easy. But for the Grace of God, I made it back to the halls at all.
One thing I do know today is that I am not bullet proof from relapse. Somebody mentioned it earlier, it takes constant vigilance. So today the first thing I did was ask my Higher Power for help, to stay away from a drink or a drug. I was in contact with another addict, one of my sponsees. I come to this forum in hopes that I may be able to help another person. I try to maintain a conscious contact with my Higher Power, I called my sponsor and did my best on practicing spiritual principles throughout my day. Today I have some spiritual tools available for me to use. I have to use them. If I am not participating in my recovery, then that means I am participating in my relapse. I know what I have to do so I have to take the action and just do it.
Constant vigilance is what I learned from my first sponsor.
If I want what they have to offer, then I have to be willing to go to any lengths. And the 12 Steps, for me, are a way to recovery and a new design for living.
Nobody ever told me this would be easy, and I haven't found it to be easy.
Yes I know what I have to do to stay sober and maintain recovery. If the moment ever strikes, I better be prepared to turn for help from the only one that can keep me away from a drink and a drug. And that one is God, for no human power can.
God bless.
Harry
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What we are is a gift from God.
What we make of ourselves is our gift to him.
retreads are tires that have worn down and have had a new layer of treads put on. It is not really AA language,, but someone's personal uncomplimentary adjective.
it's good that you are asking questions, and not just asking one person but getting a consensus of perspectives.
God bless you,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Yeah, 3 in one meeting scares me! I would have been wondering if relapse had somehow become contagious! Am i going to be the next one to get it?! AAaakkkkk! I think I better get to a meeting!!!!!!! ( Now that's some goooood Fear!) Thanks for putting that up. -Paul
Hey Toni, I was at a meeting tonight with a few people who have relapsed also. Got the newspaper the other day and read where one of the people who use to come to meetings died in his sleep the other night...hasn't been sober for awhile.
These are the things that make me ask God to keep me sober and in His will, I know it is not my God's will for me to drink alcohol. I pray this every morning and any time that cunning and baffeling urge hits me. And tonight before my head hits the pillow I will and do thank Him for another 24 sober.Meetings, meetings, picking up the phone, talking to a sponsor or just a fellow alcoholic, doing steps.
I am always so glad to see the person who relapsed walk back through the door. There is a chance for a miracle. I wish the man who died had walked back through the door...the disease won.My heart aches for the loss of a great man.
