I wish I could just turn my brain off for a little while. These last couple of days have been tough for me. I'm staying sober. Sometimes I feel like that should be enough. Last night we talked about dealing with the " wreckage of the past. " I guess that's part of what's getting to me. I lost my girlfriend to suicide about this time of the year a couple years back. All it takes is one song that I'm listening to. It brings me right back. All this stuff I never dealt with in my active use and sometimes it just comes crashing down on me and I'm like what the hell do I do now. Reality....what a concept. I'm looking forwards to tonights meeting. I'm going to ask someone to sponsor me. I've been putting this off too long. Things will get better....keep telling myself that. Last night I prayed and prayed for God to help me deal with life. I trust things will get better.
When I was in a Recovery Home once, I started feeling the pain of someone I loved very much that had ended his life to suicide, and when I was asked to talk about it in Group, I can remember saying "NO, cannot talk about this, I'll never stop crying" For me that pain came up sometimes, anniversaries of times together, time of year, mostly songs that made it hurt like a Son of a Bitch, but Time slowly healed that one. Can think of that person today, and just say "L______, you missed so much in your life, will always be sad that you made that decision" he was just turning forty years old.
And there is so much good in life today, granted there is a lot of stuff that is not good, but I would not miss any of it now.
I do feel bad and sorry for the Pain that this is causing you. Pain is transitory, I always had to remember that one.
Your titled this Post "Defective Thinker" I don't see anything defective in what you wrote, it is just as real as it gets.
Sober, Son ofa B**** Everything is Real!!! I think that we will never stop missing the loved ones in our life who have passed away, sounds like u r making progress though u have become willing to find a sponsor, rember progress b-4 perfection. We are not saints. Just keep commin back, dont quit before the miracle happends!!! (((((hugs)))))))) Carmie
Hello SoberD...I have looked back at my first few hours, days, that I was sober and have thought that perhaps it was easier to get sober than to start in on 'handling' stuff for the first time. It was all new territory! Scary. But in doing what my sponsor suggested, and seeing that it worked, started to change me. I was astounded. I never realized that I could change. That by doing different things, I could get better. I have to thank you, for your experience; what you are going through, and that you are sharing reminds me of ...-me! That prayer you said, added to our prayers for you, is a powerful influence for good in your heart and in your life. You are embarking on a journey you will not want to trade for anything. You'll see! -Paul
I've known a couple of poeple too, who committed suicide. I, myself, spent many years thinking that the best thing for me to do is to check out. But I haven't. Each time I go through it, and stay,, later on I can see things that are happening that are good, not just for me but for others, that make me glad I stayed. It's a complicated story,, me and my brushes with death... some were not suicidal, but real sickness. I even had a couple of near death experiences, in which God says that I am here to Love ,,, first He said "love those you didn't love before" and recently He said, "I'm sending you back to speak My Love to people".
I'm so glad I believe in a mercifully loving God who works things out. That includes mercifully working things out with those loved ones that you've lost in presence here.
If you need to talk about it more with us, to work it through, please feel at liberty to do so.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Justin, The first few years I was sober I had to look at the things of my past, sort through them. Have you ever heard that it's okay to look at the past but don't stare at it for to long, you know... don't dwell on it.I've also heard talk about it until you don't have to talk about it anymore, so we are here.
I hope you get that sponsor and get started on the 4th Step when you are ready. That helps.By the grace of God the suicide attempts I tried failed, I think about it now and know that it would have caused so much pain for my loved ones. I've lost people who were close to me through suicide and I have forgiven them, and I try to honor them by remembering the good in them, what they left on this earth in their short time.But I've said goodbye to them and I live in today.
Thanks everyone. I went to my meeting last night and the guy I wanted to ask to be my sponsor wasn't there. I picked up that heavy phone and gave him a ring when I got home. I now have a sponsor. Yay! He's having me read some of the Big Book, Bills story. I've read it a million times but I haven't realy tried to apply it in the past. So I am off to start reading. Had a fun day at court today. Have to go back next month and then I should be in the clear. I'm fighting restitution and I'm gonna lose! Maybe I should go out and by a lotto ticket and say a prayer " God send money fast. " I'm just joking!!! I can't see anymore, my contact just rolled somewhere it's not supposed to be. AGGGHHH. Yes I did say contact, not in the plural. Oh well, I can see again, I'm off to try and get some food stamps from the government. Maybe I should see if I can get a pair of glasses tossed in too. LOL. Thanks again everybody for your posts.
well, you have to do restitution in Step 9 amends anyway,,, so this one will be taken care of. Being willing to make restitution actually counts good with everyone,,, just trying to make it a reasonable one is the trick.
I'll keep that in prayer,
God bless you,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Soberdrunk, good to hear that you have a sponsor, now if you can just remember to use him. Nothing comes easy, and the phone might feel like it weighs a hundred pounds. Ask God for the courage and the strength to lift it.
I can remember always hearing the same thing over and over again..."In time, things will get better." I just wanted to tell these people to shut up. What helped me out was I was listening to this guy at the podium speaking and he said, "those things that get better, are actually me. My thinking, my perspective and my attitude." Hell, I was always expecting the world to get better and everything else was going to change because I got sober. It was me who had to change. I am but a sick person who is trying to get better. I don't have to do this for the rest of my life. I only have to do it Just For Today, One Day At A Time.
Keep coming.
Harry
I forgot to mention this. I can remember in early sobriety and I read Bill's Story. Boy I really felt sorry for him. Almost 2 years later, I read Bill's Story again for the second time and I felt sorry for myself. I was able to identify and relate. I knew, I must be one of them.
-- Edited by HumbleOne at 18:53, 2006-03-23
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What we are is a gift from God.
What we make of ourselves is our gift to him.
