It is 11.10 in the morning and I am drinking tennents super strength lager, I bought them last night and hid them, because I knew I would need them today.
It is happening more and more offten...I stopped going to meetings, sometime ago, I stopped coming here. I thought I could control it, but it is getting away from me, I pretend it is ok but I know it is getting bad, I had a big row with my partner this morning, and I feel dreadful, she has been putting on weight ever since I met her 2 years ago, when I met her she drank alot and took slimming (speedy) pills, she says it is my fault she is getting fat because I have made her happy and content and she doesnt need to compete.
This morning I said the meanest thing I could , because she was on my case about being hung over, she stabbed me in the arm with a fork and i just laughed at her, i heard her crying in the bathroom before she left for work...god I am so discusted with myself
I dont much like the people around me, I think they are rude, selfish, thoughtless and mean, but then they are not alcoholics, I have to go to meetings and read the big book if I want to get better, then they see me as being better than them and try to drag me down
You aren't the first who had to try the "experiment", and won't be the last. But, you have now been exposed to AA, and you know what you have to do.
I had wondered why you hadn't posted for a while, and actually worried that you might have stepped "off the Wagon". Come on back to us my friend, and back to your meetings.
where I live is a small place, an island infact, probably less than a hundred people go to meetings, always the same faces, damn it I dont want to see their smug.I told you so looks
Was sober for 13 months..quit going to meetings..and Bingo..started picking up..thought I could handle it...Drove everyone away..reacted to others stuff...the whole route..
Had to put the ego..and the pride and the stubborness aside..and yup....go back through the doors..
Had to put ..what other people thought aside, also...and do it for me...or life was going to go to hell..in a handbasket..It already had..
You insulted her? She stabbed you with a fork? Sounds like some counseling necessary here, for lack of good social skills necessary to have and maintain a healthy and constructive functional relationship.
I'm sorry that there is only one meeting on the island and that it is kind of cliquey. Is there another meeting that you can get to off the island that is not too far? do you have a copy of the BB and the 12X12 that you can use on your own? Well,,, and I don't know whether you are being really accurate about how they are,, or if some of it is your mood,, but either way,, we don't have to get 'involved' with the people. We can go and 'take what we need and leave the rest'.
welcome back,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Sounds like you have got the answer,getting honest is the first part, and congratulations on that!!!!! (what others think of us, is really none of our Business). If you are getting looks of dissaproval, chances are they are coming from your preception, or a bunch of people that do not understand the insideous nature of this Disease. Either way, it's not WHY you are going.
Badger, I relapsed for 10 years before I hit a "an incomprehensible demoralization"
When I hit my bottom, and it was a duzzy, I can tell you that I put my butt in chair everyday, scared to death that I would drink again, and can tell that what others thought of me, did not matter one little bit. I was sitting there at 6:00 every nite for over a year, so that I would not Drink, and if I ever got a glance of dissapproval, it would usually turn out that I did not especially like that person, so I would create a defensive position. My brain was so drenched in Toxic thinking, I sat there listening, and just felt so happy when I went to bed that night that I did not DRINK, 24 hour a day Program.
Very happy you are here, sharing what is going on. Please stay and Post, and get to those meetings, I can tell you from experience, that as the years go by, those people you are referring to, as time goes by, you will not remember any of them, you will remember the ones that welcome you, with love, simple stuff really, look for the kind, loving people in those rooms and you will FIND them, ignore the rest, they do not MATTER. This Program is about getting Honest and Not Drinking, no other purpose. Try to keep it Simple, and God Bless you for coming forward.
" If you are getting looks of dissaproval, chances are they are coming from your preception, or a bunch of people that do not understand the insideous nature of this Disease. Either way, it's not WHY you are going. "
u know badger, this is why they say "progress over perfection" as a human being i KNOW i am going to mess up in some way....so some days i have to begin again several times the day...but thats they key!!! its ONE day at a time...i can start my day several times a day if i need to....so u messed up.....the "fork thing" kinda worries me..violence in a relationship is not a good/ healthy thing.....sounds like u 2 need some serious anger mgt, workshops here or relationship councelling....but if it wre me??? i would work on ME/ MY recovery/ getting my self straight...and to hell with the "disapproving looks--i told u so" why do i go to meets????? for ME....i use what i can use, and leave the rest........i've been to cliquey meets too, and i leave the BS, and share, and learn and go home.......i am not there on a social visit..i am there to keep myself emotionally and physically sober and straight.....if folks don't like me??? too bad....i am not there to please, i am there to stay sober..........
what goes on outside the circle i drew around my own feet is NOT my problem/ business-------glad u r back....i was wondering where u were.....we won't judge u cuz we have all been there........ttyl rosie
Welcome back Badger, I've wondered about you, too.It's really great to have you posting again. All I can say is what's already been said, get back to the meeting.
I live in a small town and it's the same people...don't have a choice. Look at the positive, don't concentrate on the negative you might feel when you walk into the meeting. You are worth getting and staying sober, when that happens you can be the light for the person who walks into the room after going back out. You can be the person who puts there hand out or your arm around them and says welcome back.Get busy reading ,going to meetings and posting here.
Hi Badger, nothing to add except a big WELCOME BACK!
It's worth giving the steps and the meetings a go again, keep banging your head on the wall long enough and the wall WILL fall down! (LOL)
Hope you and the wife have sorted things out by now, always seems that when we are down we hurt the ones closest to us......
I have an agreement with my wife (She works with children, I work with dead people). If she refrains from speaking to me like I'm a child, I will refrain from suturing her mouth shut! (Sorry. had to add that, it always gets a giggle at meetings).
Stopping drinking isn't easy, staying stopped is harder, but it's worth it.
Bye for now,
Best wishes to you
Chris.
p.s. If the ferry was cheaper you could go to a meeting in Portsmouth, don't think swimming is a viable option!
Pps: How can you drink Tennants Super???? I did years ago and it's that thick it's almost solid!
-- Edited by Cabbageheadchris at 14:47, 2006-03-22
__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
Hello Badger, think I must be new since you were last around the site. Not long since my last relapse either, I am back to meeting now and a day at a time hanging in there. But I know exactly how you feel Good luck from Trudi.
Hi Badger, nothing to add except a big WELCOME BACK! It's worth giving the steps and the meetings a go again, keep banging your head on the wall long enough and the wall WILL fall down! (LOL) Hope you and the wife have sorted things out by now, always seems that when we are down we hurt the ones closest to us...... I have an agreement with my wife (She works with children, I work with dead people). If she refrains from speaking to me like I'm a child, I will refrain from suturing her mouth shut! (Sorry. had to add that, it always gets a giggle at meetings). Stopping drinking isn't easy, staying stopped is harder, but it's worth it. Bye for now, Best wishes to you Chris. p.s. If the ferry was cheaper you could go to a meeting in Portsmouth, don't think swimming is a viable option! Pps: How can you drink Tennants Super???? I did years ago and it's that thick it's almost solid! -- Edited by Cabbageheadchris at 14:47, 2006-03-22
tenants super is so gassy.. carlsberg special brew is beter .. but I find SKOL SUPER STRENGTH the best.. ..
Very happy you are here, sharing what is going on. Please stay and Post, and get to those meetings, I can tell you from experience, that as the years go by, those people you are referring to, as time goes by, you will not remember any of them, you will remember the ones that welcome you, with love, simple stuff really, look for the kind, loving people in those rooms and you will FIND them, ignore the rest, they do not MATTER. This Program is about getting Honest and Not Drinking, no other purpose. Try to keep it Simple, and God Bless you for coming forward."
lol.. I was just trying to remember,,, and you know,, she's right... I don't remember most of the people from 18 years ago,, or 10,, or 5. I do remember some people,, some in good ways and some in bad,, but that has gotten dimmer too. What I remember best and most is what I learned about the 12 Step program itself. I took what I needed and I left the rest.
God bless you,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
