I want to be a doctor, but I dont want to become a doctor.
When I was in my disease I was driven by a huge sense of entitlement. Rather than be a good partner in a relationship, I just did what I wanted and expected my girlfriends to put up with me. At work I felt my employer was lucky to have me show up so I didnt understand when he got angry when I was late or when I did a mediocre job. In college I expected good grades because I paid my tuition and even took notes sometimes. In everything I did, I expected the top end result even if I wasnt willing to work for it. My attitude was, dont you know who I am?
When I entered the program, I had hit an emotional, physical, and spiritual bottom. When I persisted in magical, selfish thinking and complained to my sponsor that I didnt want to get sober, I already wanted to be sober, he told me that like everything else, there were no short cuts. He told me that if I wanted to have the experience and sense of ease and comfort that comes from being recovered, then I had to do what everyone else did in the program: I had to work the Steps, one day at a time. He told me that if I was willing to do that, then I would experience the miracle of the program.
By following my sponsors direction and working all Twelve Steps, and by writing additional inventories, making amends to others (and myself), and by asking God to remove the character defects that have kept me apart from others, I came to understand the value of putting in the time and effort. Today I know that if I want to attain something, or become something, then I can as long as Im willing to work for it. And by learning the lessons of the program like breaking down seemingly impossible goals into the next indicated actions, by suiting up and showing up, and by turning the results over to my Higher Power, Ive been able to build an amazing life all one day at a time.
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Copyright @ 2016 Michael Z
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
