Compassion – A Powerful Doorway to Personal Growth by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
What if there was one choice you could make that would change everything in your life for the better? Actually, there is. It’s the choice to move out of judgment and into compassion for yourself and others.
Compassion is defined as a deep caring for the pain of others, often accompanied by a desire to help. There is nothing that feels more wonderful and comforting than experiencing another’s compassionate response to our painful feelings and experiences.
However, it’s interesting that compassion is never defined in terms of oneself. Yet, compassion is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves. In fact, when we give compassion to others but not to ourselves, we often end up feeling alone, worn out, and uncared for.
A lack of compassion for oneself and others is a major cause of inner and relationship unhappiness. In terms of personal growth, if you were to just focus on making compassion your highest priority – both for yourself and for others – you would find yourself progressing toward happiness, peace and joy more rapidly than you can imagine.
We move into compassion for ourselves when we know that we have very good reasons for our feelings and behavior, and into compassion for others when we know that others also have very good reasons for their feelings and behavior. These good reasons are the fears and false beliefs that we have absorbed from our growing up years that create our painful feelings and our defensive behavior.
Moving into compassion is a process that takes time and practice:
1. Moving into compassion for yourself starts with noticing your self-judgment. Judgment is the opposite of compassion. When you judge yourself, you are telling yourself that you are wrong or bad for your feelings or behavior, rather than that you have good reasons. Each time you realize that you are judging yourself, consciously open your heart to compassion for yourself. When your intention is to be compassionate rather than judgmental, you will discover that it is not as hard as you think to shift from judgment to compassion.
2. Moving into compassion for others is similar. Begin to notice your anger, irritation, judgment, resentment, or resistance toward others. These negative feelings are the opposite of compassion. Once you notice these feelings, you have the choice to open to caring, understanding – to compassion.
3. Each time you find yourself in judgment for yourself or others, instead of judging yourself for judging, move into compassion for the judgmental part of you. If you judge yourself for judging yourself or others, you will stay stuck. If you embrace with compassion the judgmental part of yourself, you will find yourself gradually becoming less judgmental and more compassionate.
Each time you are compassionate with yourself and others, it becomes easier next time. You will discover that focusing on compassion for both yourself and others will move you toward the peace and joy you are seeking. It all comes from your intent – to protect against pain with your controlling behaviors, such as anger, blame and judgment, or to learn about loving yourself and others. When your deepest desire is to become a loving human being, opening to compassion is a powerful doorway to that path.
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
We had a big discussion, in college, about what the word 'judgemental' and 'non-judgemental' meant. Some thought it meant that we had to just think that whatever anyone said or did was okay. Yet we admitted that that was not possible,, since there were definite things that were not okay.. like child abuse, rape, violence, suicide and self-destructive behavior, stealing, etc. We looked at the court judges that some of us worked with to see what they did that we were not supposed to do. The first thing that judges do is to listen. They listen to everyone's testimony. The second thing they do is to discern whether or not there was actually a crime committed, and then whether the defendant is guilty or not, and to what degree. So far that's okay for us to do too. The next thing that the judge does is to pass sentence, to punish the guilty person. That is what we are not supposed to do.
Being punitive and compassionate are opposites. We stop being punitive and trying to get even for wrongs done, and we start being compassionate, and forgiving. This does not mean that the offense was 'okay' or that we are going to allow it to happen again,,, but it means that we will not punish the person.
thanks for a good post about compassion.
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I agree. You know I get wore out, trying to be compassoniate to the person who just keeps carring on about the same thing. I have to forgive and forget. I don't have to keep putting up with constant Whining. I have to get out of myself. I also believe other people should, the program tought me this. Therefore I stay away from whiners. They drag me down. Compassion is great in the case of the sick and suffering.
