Last night at my meeting there was a whole bunch of talk about this infamous brick wall which came from our reading. How many times do I have to run into this wall before I figure out " hey this hurts. " Yet, here I go again backing up and revving up my engine " brain " to come charging my way towards this darn wall once again. Why can't I get to the other side? Why wont this wall fall down? Maybe this could be insanity... Nahhh...... Just one more time, I know I can do it.

This has been my life, always trying to do what's not meant to do. I choose to call my behaviors insane, or unrealistic, or both. One drink can't hurt........but always these harsh consequences when I black out or end up in places where I'm not meant to be. And I keep asking myself why did this happen? Poor, poor me.

F**k this. I'm sick of these consequences, maybe there is a way through this wall without all the pain and misery. It was pointed out to me that I might be standing too close to the wall and that I might wanna back up so I could get a look at this wall. I took a little direction and did as I was told and I'll be damned if there wasn't a door just a little farther down this wall from where I'm standing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my perceptions all screwed up. The way I see things and the way " normal '  people see things is completely opposite. Damn alcoholism.

Today I'm glad I'm alcoholic. I truly have been blessed. I have met the coolest people which God has thrown into my life and I find I finally fit in somewhere,  where before I never fit in anywhere. I am no longer alone in this. As long as I ask for help and practice the H.O.W. of this program, help is not far away. Help doesn't always come in the form that I want it, jails and institutions, but it does come. It just depends on what I'm doing with my life. If I'm screwing my life up chances are help is going to kick me in the butt somewhere along the line. Then again if I'm doing the right thing I wont have to go through such painful consequences.

I hope this makes sense to someone. I'm trying to improve my life one little piece at a time. If I take on too much I will become overwhelmed. I told my sponsor Tuesday that I was having trouble praying at night " asking for help ". He suggested to me to get on my f@#$@g knees and pray. So I have prayed these last 3 nights. Laugh!!!!! For me I know I need a good kick in the butt in order to get moving every once in awhile. Sometimes I get stuck and don't even realize it. Wow, am I rambling or what? I feel good today. I hope all of you are doing well.

Justin S.