Most of you know the mess our state of affairs are in when we finally surrender.
Well my wife and I were working and planning our way out of this mess and things were looking better, when I got the worst news that sent us back in a deeper hole than we were in at the beggining..
Well I just about blew up when something grabbed my mouth before I made things worse than they were...I went to the other room and prayed your will not mine be done,,,I didn't pray for me me me, nor got into a deep mode of prayer but just knew my higher power would do what needed to be done...You see I've been loseing control of my mouth lately when things get out of my control and have been praying to releave me of this fault...
Well I then went to a meeting and shared my problem, came home felt better and then went to bed,,,
This morning my lawyer called and told me the other half of the news that I didn't hear...
Jesh!!!! Sure glad someone besides me had the reins of my mouth,,,
I know it won't always turn out the way I want,,,but I surely have to learn to leave it up to my higher power,,
If you think you are in control,,Try not crapping for a few weeks,,,
My problems were not so much legal or financial, but physical, and I am still dealing with that. The early prognosis is biliary cirrhosis. However, still gotta get test results. Frankly, I am willing to go through pain & discomfort several times a week for the rest of my life, if it helps to remind me how much I need my sobriety.
I do relate to that letting HP have the reins to my mouth, though. I have always had a tendency, drunk or sober, to pretty much let my mouth run off and drag me into trouble after it.
When someone attacks me, I tend to argue,,, and arguing doesn't get me anywhere most of the time. The other person is not convinced by arguements, cuz they are too much invested in what they already think,,, and it just turns into an escalating hostile contest. I was working for a very mean boss when I first went into recovery, and I used to argue back at her insults and accusations and unreasonable demands. A couple of months into recovery and I realized that it would be better if I could stop arguing, but that wasn't easy at all. She'd say something ridiculous to try to get my goat, and my goat would be right there. So what I did was to take something like my chip, which I kept in my pocket, and squeeze it, just hold on to it real tight. the chip reminded me that I wanted to change my behavior and why. squeezing it was a kind of outlet for the energy that usually went out my mouth. And I counted the Steps, either out loud under my breath, which kept my mouth busy, or silently. I'd squeeze and count till that first strong urge to vent verbally calmed down, and I'd stop seeing red,, and then I could think, think, think of either something constructive and effective to say, or decide to not say anything at all, or to just ignore the thing and get busy with something to move on.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
