I don't know.. it seems today,,, I've made progress in a lot of things,,, but it is not enough. I'm frustrated? umm.. disappointed? discouraged? I've worked hard, and today I felt just tired of it,,, and I look and there is sooo much more to do.
my apartment, my recovery, can't we ever .... I don't know.... and I got that empty feeling.. like a hole... hungry? not just food hungry,, soul hungry...
I'm trying to explain... how I feel sometimes.... and then it seems like a drink would fill it all up... well,,, I'm resisting.... then I went to the fridge.. maybe I'm lacking in some vitamin... but I don't really see what I need in the cabinet.
maybe I need to just run outside at full speed,,, or play my stereo real LOUD
or maybe I'll just go to sleep,, and tomorrow will be a new day...
I don't know.. I just needed to share this.
maybe i'll do some praying... God knows all my emptiness and need.
g'night,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
and, well, see.. I realized that.. my Step 10 yesterday showed,,, some serious mistakes,,, I disappointed my self... and then,,, those call for amends... but.. I can't do the amends that would really make things right... I am not able... so that goes back to Steps 6 and 7 again. yep... this program may be simple... but it is hard work... even just to let God remove my shortcomings,,, and bring me to the next level...
I guess that is it.. restlessness,, not satisfied with status quo.... okay... well.. acceptance that I have been doing the best I can,,, but feeling like that is not good enough,,,
God, please remove my shortcomings (now?)
*shrugs*
g'night,
amanda... will I wake up changed? The thing is that I know I have to do my part... God may remove some shortcomings,, but I still have to make an effort.. that seems Herculean....
I guess I got HALT again... spiritually hungry,,, feeling alone,,, tired
God,,, I need...
*wipes tears*
alright... you can holler at me to get off my pity pot,, is it? you can say lots of people got bigger problems than me,,, whatever... I guess it is 'this too shall pass'... but will it pass and stay the same? or will it pass ... there I go.. God will take care of how it passes.
g'night
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
We're human. Sometimes we just get depressed. Life ain't perfect...never will be.
When I'm on my pitty pot, it helps me to remember what I was once told by an older member in AA. That is the time I should literally sit down and write a list of those things with which I am blessed.
Meanwhile, I said a prayer for you Amanda, that God will lift you up when you are feeling down.
Amanda, that sounds like me! Lately I will just get out in the world and talk to people, even if only to say hello or just make friendly eye contact. And this last week or so prayer has been so helpful. Not really asking for anything, just trying to think of things I have to be grateful for, such as a roof over my head and all "the little things". Hope you are through it soon... " It didn't come to stay, it came to pass." - (This will, too!) Take care...-paul
up at 3 am. They told me that I would not feel so good for a couple of days after that medical procedure. sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by things that need to be done. I got some good sleep. One of the sedatives was something called Versed,,, can stay in the system a while,, and I still had some pain. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I was posting about the mind-body connection in another post,,, how the mind can affect the body,,, and that works in reverse too,,, being physically ill can affect our emotions too.
One of the things was,,, that the sedatives did get me high, and being high affected my ability to work my program,,, and my behavior was irritable and stupid,,, more than usual. And I do feel a responsibility, as an old-timer, to be an example of recovery, and a good role model,,, or people are just going to think I'm an idiot with no credibilty in my ministry. And my apartment - a lot is done, but a lot still needs to be done and I just wasn't able to do anything yesterday. But I did get some good sleep, like I said,, and today is a new day,,, and even if I only make decent amends and paint just a little bit. btw now the kitchen has a big leak from upstairs and that wall is a mess.
lol Why am I up now? The cat woke me up. I have a cat,, was born outside and lived outside for 13 years, feral cat they call it,,, but now there is a dog where she used to live and I let her stay inside here. Wonderful cat - God's gift. So she coughed up a hairball, ate a little, got petted, and now she is back to sleep.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement. Learning how to support each other, is part of the fellowship. It was something lacking in my childhood. We were basically left on our own and couldn't expect anyone to really 'be there' for each of us. And even now,, most people don't understand, and have unrealistic expectations of me. I'll do my best to press on, putting one foot in front of the other to take my next step.
g'night,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I don't know.. it seems today,,, I've made progress in a lot of things,,, but it is not enough. I'm frustrated? umm.. disappointed? discouraged? I've worked hard, and today I felt just tired of it,,, and I look and there is sooo much more to do. my apartment, my recovery, can't we ever .... I don't know.... and I got that empty feeling.. like a hole... hungry? not just food hungry,, soul hungry...
Our we ever in the right spot ? I WAKLED THRU THE DOORS OF AA AS KID, I'M 50. I GOT SOME GOOD SOBER YEARS IN. ALL AT ONCE ? NO ? SOME YEARS IN A ROW ? YES. JUST WHERE AM I ? SOBER TODAY. DEPRESSION ? YES FEELINGS ? ALL THE TIME. RIGHT PLACE RIGHT TIME ? ACCORDING TO WHO ? RICK OR GOD ?
