Hi, Joel.

Well, I make "living amends" daily. By trying to be a better mom, by doing my very best at work, by always trying to do the next right thing, and by helping out others when I am able, etc....... As for a Step 9, well, it was suggested in my HG never to say "I'm sorry" just to tell the person where & why you were wrong in the situation.

Love and hugs

I think John put up an excellent definition of 'amends'  on another thread that I'd like to quote here:

1. To change for the better; improve: amended the earlier proposal so as to make it more comprehensive.
   
   
2. To remove the faults or errors in; correct. See Synonyms at correct.
   
   
3. To alter (a legislative measure, for example) formally by adding, deleting, or rephrasing.
   
   
4. To enrich (soil), especially by mixing in organic matter or sand.

Wherever I could I  1. changed for the better; improved; amended my earlier attitudes and behaviors, and 2 corrected myself, by adding or deleted some behaviors,,  from this point in time on.

I did acknowledge to most people, those that I could talk to, that I recognized that I had acted in ways that were not good, and that I was sorry and intended to improve myself.  I did what was suggested and did not rehash events or bring up the other person's faults at that time. for example:  I didn't go into  "well, I was wrong, but I did it because you aggravated me".  I just said, "I realize that I was wrong when I _____ and I intend to try to do better from now on".

The other persons reacted in various ways,,  some used my admission of fault as an excuse to berate and insult me, in which case I disengaged as I could. Odd how people do that,,  they are more than willing to let me be scapegoat. Some people accepted what I said and then watched me to see if I would make it good. Some people were more warm in forgiving me and admitting that they are not perfect either and things really felt resolved.

The hardest amends I had to do was with my child. I sincerely felt sooo sad that my behavior patterns had hurt him sooo much and affected his life in seriously negative ways. He found it hard to talk about at all. He still doesn't like to discuss things. But I do tell him both generally and specifically that I'm sorry. I think this helps him to get perspective on things now.  We so often don't understand what our parents do, and tend to take things personally and to heart. So when I make an amends it is like, "I was remembering the other day when I did ____ ,  I'm so sorry for that because I recognize now how hurtful that was to you, and I'm trying to ____  to correct that.  for example: I was so impatient with you, expecting perfection when you were just learning - I'm trying to be more patient with people now. "    He has commented now,,, after watching me for some time now in recovery,,, that he sees that I really have followed through on these things and that we are getting along better.

love in recovery,

amanda

Hi Joel,

Well there has been so much said, cannot ad a lot,  but do recall, the process of

writing down the wrong, acknowledging my own part, and first and formost, when I made amends, ask for Guidance from God to help me make this amends from A HUMBLE Place.

And where I had harmed a person, I did state that I was sorry for any pain and hurt that I had caused them.  For me the humbling of the admission needed to include a Heart Felt sadness, which could only be put into the words, I am Sorry.  For the truth to come out for me, I needed to feel those regrets.  In order to be Free of them.

As someone mentioned, not all Amends are really a welcome thing, I do recall with sitting down in a Resturant with my former Husband, and having a difficult time with that one, but I did finally get into a place of offering my amends, when I could visualize us both sitting there,  like two children, and silently I kept saying Please help me with this God,  and a little thought  told me, this is it, you will not get another chance,  that thought humbled me and I did the Heart Felt amends to him.  He remained, on the outside, pretty stiff, but on the inside, I could see in his eyes, some happiness, and forgiveness too. My mother died a few years later, and he came to her memorial, and put his hand around my shouldler, publicly, and was very warm.  So, the amends Change EVERYTHING, and how grateful I am to the these Steps, and the Amends part does appear to be difficult at first glance.

And remember that thought about this would be the only chance, well that did turn out to be the truth, he died suddenly,  before his time, and how much gratitude I felt, for the opportunity that I had, when I had it.

So I wish you the best with this work, is it, in my opinion, the most worth while work we do in our own Recovery, as far as Freeing us from our Past errors of our ways.

Toni