Me, I couldn't take it anymore. Of all the reasons I quit, like, falling down financially, (I didn't fall all the way to the bottom), saying stupid shit to people, getting in fights, getting arrested more often, getting whiskey dick a few times with some girls, the biggest reason I quit, was because I was tired of feeling like shit the next day. And the only thing (other than maybe some feel-good drugs, which I stay away from anymore) that would make me feel better, was to drink again. And, toward the end, even the alcohol wasn't making me feel like it did when I was younger. Yeah, it would cure my hangover, but, it was making me feel lethargic, lazy, tired, and, stupid.
I don't know how old you are, I'm 48. I quit a little over a year ago. But, I'd say my last 4-5 years of drinking just wasn't as fun as it was when I was younger. Maybe you haven't reached that point yet, idk. Maybe you never will. Some people can drink, and it doesn't make them feel so lousy. But, I'm guessing, that for most people, eventually, if they keep at it long enough, it ain't gonna do it for them anymore. That's when they decide to quit.
I think for me, too, a lot of it was conceding that I'm not in my 20s anymore, that maybe it was time to grow up a little. I have no kids, never been married, very little in the way of responsibility, I work for myself, so, I have no need to be to work on time, or answer to any boss. Or, anybody at all, for that matter. I live a very free, carefree life. There's really no big reason that I needed to quit. I wasn't hurting anybody by drinking. Yeah, I was kinda hurting myself, cause I wasn't keeping on top of my business, I wasn't making the kind of money I used to make, but that's not why I quit. I quit because I was tired of feeling like shit.
Is my life without alcohol as fun as it was when I was drinking? No. But, it's a lot easier. A lot less trouble. And I don't like complications in my life. I want it easy. Smooth. No problems. So, my life is better without alcohol. As fun, no. Better, yes. 1000% better. My only regret about quitting is that I didn't do it sooner.
Oh my gosh! Baba, you mentioned "coincidences" on another post, and here's another one for you....
I got up around 2:45 a.m....I have been working my butt off since getting sober again and I was exhausted last night. So got my coffee and cigs....did my meditation and praying (well, for now :). Well, you just popped in my head. I was wondering about why the book you suggested still hasn't arrived...it is coming DHL so maybe that method is slower. Anyway, while I was smoking, I started wondering "why can't I just quit these darn things?" Then, I thought of that other book by Carr you suggested about quitting smoking. Then I thought "how come that book didn't work for Baba"? Then I remembered that you told me that Carr had died. As I was sitting there taking another gulp of my coffee (I drink coffee like it's a beer...), and puffed more of my cig, I thought....."I wonder what that Carr guy died from?"
Then I thought...."I wonder how old Baba is?" No joke.
Isn't that such a coincidence?
48???? You are older than I thought you were....I figured 30's.....you have a youthful nature about you. I mean that in a very good way, btw.
How do I feel today you ask? Not so great. My hangovers seem to last for about 3 days now. Oh how I long for the days when I could go out all night, sleep for two hours and make it to work on time fresh as daisy :)
I've been around here now and then with varying amounts of sober time.
My life isn't awful. Quite the opposite actually. I just don't like the way drinking makes me feel sometimes.
The way drink'n makes you feel will not improve ... you know by now, it only gets worse ... and when you get sick 'n tired of getting sick 'n tired, then maybe you'll do something to fix the situation ...
I've seen you be a really nice guy trying to work things out here, and I've seen some pretty ruff stuff from you when you seem to go on a binge or somp'in ... you are one guy I could never fig'r out ... and don't you have a couple little girls to be a dad to ??? ... I can't remember for sure ...
Prolonged drink'n will cause you to progressively get more and more fatigued ... ya start feeling tired all the time ... less and less energy ... and the thing you want to do is drink and lay down and nap ... all the time ... and then the heart rate starts to increase, a lot, and the blood pressure rises to dangerous levels if you try to taper off ... you know ... it's a vicious cycle that's near impossible to break by yourself ...
We're here to listen ... and help if you'll let us in ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I do have two little girls and they are my world. I love them more than I ever imagined it possible to love another human being. My life with them is pretty wonderful. I work from home so I take care of them during the day. We're very close and I do my best to be a good dad. The work I do is creative (film & photography) and my garage is converted into a studio. I work evenings and weekends which occasionally involves a bottle of good vodka. I claim that the alcohol enhances my creativity and part of me fears that there's actually some truth to that and that my work would suffer if I didn't imbibe. I go through long periods of happy, painless drinking with no issues or problems. Then a period of overindulgence grips me and I become depressed, physically sick and completely lost.
StPeteDean once said to me something to the effect that he couldn't figure out how I've lasted so long without destroying my marriage, my career, ending up in jail, etc. The truth is that as I've gotten older my drinking has become less problematic. I don't act up in public or drive drunk anymore. I don't drink to excess at social or family functions. I don't do crazy things or put myself in dangerous situations. I don't fight with my wife or kids. All of the baddness I experience from drinking nowadays occurs between my two ears and it only happens during the dark periods. So I can go months and months feeling perfectly happy, enjoying my vodka induced creative "garage time" while feeling like nothing is wrong. Then something happens and I slip into this deep dark funk and I end up in AA. The funk passes and I begin the cycle once more.
I admire your openness about your drinking, Tipsy. It took me a long time to reach the point where I realized I wasn't drinking normally and wanted help for it. I thought I had hit my bottom a good while back and told myself, "not anymore, I have had enough"...only thing is, I had not. So I am back now and more willing than ever.
I too did some "controlled" drinking.....stopped driving so I wouldn't hurt others and myself....stopped drinking in public places so I wouldn't cause myself and others embarrassment. I thought to myself I couldn't be hurting others, because I was not around others and if anyone, only was hurting myself. At least that is what I told myself so I could keep on drinking.
I like your postings and that you trying to help others. It shows that you have not lost the concern for others that I lost during my drinking. You still have it, good for you. Once you help yourself, there will be no stopping at all you can do to help others.
Tippy, I total relate to your worry about losing creativity thought. I'm a guitar player, and, for me, and actually, a lot of players, a couple of drinks loosens you up, and you play with a little bit of reckless abandon, which can be a really good thing. Instead of playing stiff, and over-thinking everything, you kinda just "go for it", and the alcohol helps you to feel the groove a little better. But, for me, it stopped working, because it went like this:
0 beers/wine/shots = playing a little stiff
1-2 beers = feeling more relaxed, warm, playing is better
3-4 beers = totally feeling the groove, notes and chords are sounding really heartfelt
-5-6 beers = starting to get too sloppy, losing coordination.
7-8 beers = playing is going to shit, starting to sound like a beginner
9-12 beers = sounding worse than a beginner. Other players in the band start packing it up to go home
13-18 beers = sitting by myself, trying figure out where everybody went
If I could just keep it to 3-4 drinks, everything would be great. But I cant, so, I just don't drink. And, my playing is actually a lot better now, because my retention of things I learn and practice is a lot better. It's hard to remember how to play a m7#5 chord, when you can't even remember how many strings are on your guitar.
but, like I said before, I quit drinking, cause I was tired of feeling like shit.
Tippy, I total relate to your worry about losing creativity thought. I'm a guitar player, and, for me, and actually, a lot of players, a couple of drinks loosens you up, and you play with a little bit of reckless abandon, which can be a really good thing. Instead of playing stiff, and over-thinking everything, you kinda just "go for it", and the alcohol helps you to feel the groove a little better. But, for me, it stopped working, because it went like this:
0 beers/wine/shots = playing a little stiff
1-2 beers = feeling more relaxed, warm, playing is better
3-4 beers = totally feeling the groove, notes and chords are sounding really heartfelt
-5-6 beers = starting to get too sloppy, losing coordination.
7-8 beers = playing is going to shit, starting to sound like a beginner
9-12 beers = sounding worse than a beginner. Other players in the band start packing it up to go home
13-18 beers = sitting by myself, trying figure out where everybody went
If I could just keep it to 3-4 drinks, everything would be great. But I cant, so, I just don't drink. And, my playing is actually a lot better now, because my retention of things I learn and practice is a lot better. It's hard to remember how to play a m7#5 chord, when you can't even remember how many strings are on your guitar.
but, like I said before, I quit drinking, cause I was tired of feeling like shit.
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My experience is much like what tipsy describes with his garage.
I could quit drinking... but I wanted that feeling of a few glasses of wine and the creativity that came with it back so badly, that I threw away my 'silly ideas' about staying sober.
I was actually afraid to sit down at the piano after making a decision to try AA and didn't for a few months. The first time was so weird and I never longed for a glass of wine so much in my life. Much like that first time you drink a cup of coffee after quitting smoking - it was just something that I had to retrain my brain on.
Eventually - I did come to see that being able to remember everything I write is a good thing.
I never agreed with the part of the big book that says that all alckies have this fantasy of being able to drink like normal people. I never ever once thought I would be able to. I was always well aware that once I started there was no way I could say for sure if I would be able to stop. I worked really hard to set things up so that I could not kill myself or others. I tried all sorts of things to make the chances of being able to stop more likely - like eating certain things, or waiting until a certain time of day... but I never believed that I could say for sure what would actually happen. I opened every fancy bottle of organic wine, set it on the same place of my piano (that still shows the marks) and said to myself 'nothing good can come of this' and then down it went. There was no delusion that somehow I would write a masterpiece and be able to write legibly into the night.
I woke the next morning, looked at my scribbles of music with wine stains all around the floor and sheet music, and I convinced myself that it was like an exercise in letting go - much like a spiritual lesson for monks with Mandala's and making something just for the experience of it. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sister-joan-chittister-osb/mandala-why-destroy-it_b_970479.html
And funny thing is - that hasn't changed.
But I have - and my desire to drink has been removed. Sitting down to the piano now sober - is enough. I want to be sober and I want all the consequences of that.
There was a time that I wanted to be drunk - and I accepted all the consequences of it just as James describes.
So I completely identify with what you're saying James.
My attitude - my choice - is everything. I am in a prison as long as I don't want to be where I am. No matter if that is sober or drunk. No matter if that is at work, in my marriage, on this MIP board - or anywhere else.
When I made the choice to stay want to be sober, it was as simple as making the choice to want to be drunk. And either is just fine, as long as it's what you want... you are free.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Wednesday 28th of October 2015 04:11:59 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I don't film porn in my garage you stupid drunk. Why would you even say that? We understand that you're upset that years ago I questioned your "it was gods will" attitude about your daughters molestation but please keep your petty little grudge comments out of my threads.
-- Edited by TipsyMcstagger on Wednesday 28th of October 2015 03:01:24 PM
Whew! Let's just all try to get along. (Me included). We all have to remember that we are all human and have feelings. Wish I could bake you all a batch of double chocolate brownies which we could hold them up in the air and knock together in a "cheers"--chocolate bits flying everywhere-- and eat until we're fat and full. We'll be letting out our belts instead of hitting below the belt.
Let's just try and remember what we are here for....to help other folks sick and suffering while trying to stay sober ourselves. Lots of newcomers come on here and we have been given an opportunity to try and help them.
