Morn'n H1, ...

Living in the past is not an ideal place to live ... we should use the past to learn from the mistakes we made and also to learn that all those people treated me badly perhaps, but I still made it through those times and have learned that the 'little things' are just that, the little things(unless I insist on making them the 'big' things) ... it's all part of 'growing up' ... and I try to keep in mind, as bad as I may have had it, multitudes of other people had it much worse, so I learn to be grateful that I had what I did and not some of the horrors that others had to endure ...

We try to live in the 'today' ... cause we can do something about 'today' and cannot do a damn thing to change yesterday ... so as we grow older, we learn to put away childish ways, cause we're adults now and we've learned that there is noth'n we cannot do with God by our sides ... and yes, sometimes that just means we need to change the way we think of ourselves and if we want a new life, we start 'today' living as if it has already begun ... because it has if we want it to be so ...

What anyone else thinks of me or my way of thinking? .... is none of my business ... so, I choose to be happy with what I have today, including my personality, and everyone else, including my sister, can think whatever they want to think ... no skin off my back ...

(I'm not real sure I said what I meant to say, it's early ...)

Ya gotta worry about number 1, but try not to step on number 2. (Rodney Dangerfield)

H1! ... Be sure to check out the 'Today's Gift' post ... it's very appropriate for this thread, I feel ...

The family dynamic is interesting to me. Sounds to me like your sister and your mom had a turbulent relationship - one which left them not on speaking terms.

Your mom blames your sister for the way you are. Turning your sister into a scapegoat, to deflect the blame guilt and shame she has herself over 'the way you turned out'.

This of course says that the way you turned out is bad? Which hurts. And it's also a reflection of her lack of acceptance for you just as you are.

Her lack of acceptance for who you are, and also who your sister is - is in direct relation to her not accepting herself. If she accepted herself, faults and all, the mistakes she made - then she would have that to offer to you, and others.

Since she doesn't, it's clear that she has never been shown how the dysfunction that was passed into her, directly affected you. She likely originally took blame for it herself instead of seeing that the dysfunction was passed onto her through the generations and she can't possibly be responsible for all of the ages of crap. Because she was never shown how to handle her feelings around this, she blames herself, feels guilt and shame, and since no one obviously taught her how to handle that in a healthy way - she had to deflect it, hence the scapegoat (your sister) and the many other things she likely does to distract herself, from her feelings. I'm guessing someone like her probably has a plethora of vices and might even appear to fit into society - from the way you describe your dad, because the dance of dysfunction is a 2 step duo - and people find emotionally equal matches. It is no measure of health, however, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. - forgot who said that quote.  Our 'well adjustedness' was how we survived.  The drinking, the shopping, the smoking, the under or over eating, the focusing on others - controlling others - addiction to drama and chaos and extremes or power... etc etc etc.  All one in the same.  We in AA are united by one symptom of dysfunction, drinking - which we are highly evolved to be far too good at.  Our brains were set up with millions of pleasure receptors for drinking - and our dysfunctional environment set us up to want to hit every one of them as often as possible.  For some maybe the brain was set up for hoarding or eating, but whatever the epigenetic predisposition, I believe it is our upbringing that sets us up to want to ignite this highly evolved storm of neural pathways in our highly exceptional brain.  This is nothing to be ashamed of - this is just part of how our species is trying to survive and thrive and create diversity.  I am proud to be a part of it.

People in AA might argue that we don't need any of these explanations, we just need to focus on today.  And my hat goes off to them, because that seems to be enough for them, and that makes me so very happy to see.  But that will never be enough for me, and it never was.  That simply means I am unique, Just Like Everyone Else.  And today, I am okay with that... and I am okay with others being exactly as they are, or need to be too.  I am not here to explain or defend myself, who I am is good enough - and what I am is an expression of One Universe - part of everything, and we are all in this together.  I am against no one.  I am with.  Gladly.  Joyously.  Appreciatively. 

Understanding my feelings, my past, and where I came from - allows me to live in today - opens the space for mindfulness in the moment - and allows me to stand tall in unconditional love for self and so others.

So my dear, you hashing some of this out, is in my opinion, something that can break this unhealthy passing along of dysfunction for who knows how many generations. It is clear to me that you, nor your parents can carry the burden of possibly 1000's of years of dysfunction all as your own. As you well know, you are not God, you can not be responsible for all of this. And we all know, no one asks to grow up to be dysfunctional, no one wishes to grow up to be sucky when they are little. So we can not point fingers of blame at any one person in our past too strongly, only be aware that what was passed onto them, also infected or affected us. Now what are we going to do about it? We have tools and help that our parents and ancestors did not likely have. We are able to break the cycle of dysfunction in this lifetime.

In some recovery rooms I hear frequently "separate the disease from the person" or "love the person, hate the disease".

I soon learned that not only does this apply to myself and others, but it is also helpful for finding and being my true loving self. The self that holds hands with the God of my understanding as One (Holy?) Spirit.

No matter what your religious stance today - there is a true loving self inside you, and that true self does not want to be mean, blaming, guilty or shaming. That true self wants to reflect over the past with peace and love. With the slogan of separating, I personally replace the words. I separate the dysfunction from the person. I remember that though my parents who were alcoholic and codependent (and equals in their dysfunction) - they didn't ask to be this way either. I love the person under the dysfunction infected into them, that was passed onto me. This allows me to feel like my true loving self, WHILE allowing myself the dignity to have the angry feelings and hurt that I naturally will have being human. How it helps me though - is in doing this, I do not have to direct my anger and hurt at people I love. I get to be mad at the disease/dysfunction, while loving the person. When I make room for this in my life - I do not then feel the need to shame the person - I don't feel guilt for Being The Person either, as I also separate the dysfunction/disease from Me! I did not ask for this either. I can love myself While hating the dysfunctional patters infected into me - including the drinking to drown out the guilt shame and sorrow that I thought was all mine. I place the 'blame' now where it belongs - and it gets lost into age old dysfunction that has also brought me to a place where I can see that had it not been for this suffering, these dysfunctional behaviors and everything else - I would not understand the depths of the joy I do today. Yin yang. Appreciating the light, because of the dark.



The solution: To be your loving true self. To make a list of those qualities you believe reflect your true self, and then live those qualities seeking progress, practice and not perfection. To love yourself, and accept yourself unconditionally through all of it. To offer the love and compassion you feel toward yourself, to others. To see them as suffering from dysfunction, and love them, and not their dysfunctional behaviors that they didn't ask for. To be attracted to strength, and more tolerant of those still weak in faith - that everything is as it needs to be, according a God we do not have to understand - that is taking us all as equals to the greatest good beyond our imaginations, and everything in the end - will be okay.

You're going to be alright Hope. And no one can make you drink. No one can make you anything. You're in charge of you. You have the power - and you have an all loving higher power to guide your personal power. There is always that choice. We have choices, and you will see them clearly. I believe in you.

-- Edited by justadrunk on Saturday 24th of October 2015 09:16:23 AM

Pappy, I probably think the "f'ing" way I do because at least in part, I am alcoholic, if I am to believe what the BB says about our thinking.
I am not expecting you or anyone to solve any problem I have. I do have some common sense. It has been often suggested in AA to not hold things in. I feel safe (perhaps, now more appropriately, would be "felt") to share more here on this anonymous board than I have shared in the rooms. Some of my long-winded postings have received no response. I have been fine with that. I would probably have been told to "shut up" had I gotten as lengthy and boring in a meeting as I have on this board. Maybe even told not to come back to a particular meeting had I monopolized it with such "drama". The things inside me hurt me and even though it is sometimes embarrassing to reveal so much about how my sick mind has in it, I have done so not only for the purpose of letting it out and not holding it all inside. Although it has been a relief getting it out of my head. I do not expect for any magic AA "fairy" to come along and "cure" me of all my "problems".

I have perhaps shared with you more than I have with anyone on here because you have had this knack of making me feel more "normal". I never asked for you to figure me out nor have I expected you to. I never said, "Pappy, please fix me." I have tried to take and use as much of your advice as I have been able to at the time it was shared. . And I have and do appreciate it.
Another reason I post what I do, and I have said this more than once before in my postings, is that I have hoped that if someone(s) is going through anything similar --either in thinking or experiencing certain situations--that it may be helpful to them if they read that there is someone else out there who thinks the way they do that they may find some amount of comfort in knowing that they are not alone. So therefore, my posts are meant to perhaps be helpful. Maybe someone is being alienated by a family member(s). At least something good can come out of it, besides just the crazy ramblings of an old fool.
Pappy, I am not upset. You actually sound more upset than me. With all the different postings which I have read over the last two years (I was on here before and stopped posting, however, came here and read almost everyday because I missed the posters), anyway, as i was saying...out of all the posts during that time, some being angry and attacking, I do not recall ever seeing you use the language you used in response to me.
Please go back and read or re-read the last paragraph I typed in my previous posting. You seem to have missed something where I acknowledge how much you have helped me and how I actually put myself down as being "sick" in my thinking. Thank you for making that last part extra clear to me.

Ah, kids  are way over-rated anyway. Just do like I did, H1, and get a pet turtle. 

Well, now I know what to get you for Christmas.

Gawsh, Baba....is that you..."Turtle Man"? Now that is downright scary!
That was a personal question from me, Baba, and I am glad I didn't overstep.
I was a "fun" Mom....I used to pretend I was Curious George--who my child loved! I would read the CG books to her and started acting
out the parts. Then I started to improvise, and to get my daughter to do what I wanted her to, I would pretend I was Curious George with a very high pitched voice (I am not even sure now, if he ever "talked" in the storybooks). She loved them so much! In fact, too much, when my stories ended and it was time for me to be "mom" again, she would pitch a fit! "I want Curious George! Bring back CG!" I eventually had to stop being "him" it got so out of hand. Yep, those were the "good" ole days! Ha!

Speaking of turtles though....I learned something on one of those educational channels the other night. When sea turtles go on shore to lay eggs, they just leave them there....walk back to the ocean. I told my friend that is the reason they have such longevity--they don't have to raise their kids. Ha! Sadly, they showed how some of the mama turtles don't make it back to the ocean....they fall over rocks and flip over on their backs or get wedged in between the rocks. They showed all this on camera. Then they showed quite a few of them after they died. I ended up getting upset that the production crew of the show didn't try to help them. It was heartbreaking.
For more info on sea turtles click the link below:
http://seaworld.org/en/animal-info/animal-infobooks/sea-turtles/longevity-and-causes-of-death/