Is it okay for a newcomer like me to hang out in steps 1, 2 and 3 for awhile before moving on to step 4 and 5? Steps 4 and 5 scare me a lot. I don't know how to do step 4 and I'm not sure I am ready for that yet. Is it okay to rest in 1-3 and move on to 4 a little later or is it imperative to move through the steps as quickly as possible?
Okay Rick. My question next is, in step 4 do we go back all through our past and list the things we have done wrong and who we have hurt through them? Or is it more a list of attitudes? If it is going into the past which I think it is, although I may be wrong about that, do we go all the way back as far as we remember and then write all those things down and then to do step 5 is that sharing the list with your sponsor or someone else with whom we have confidence? I am willing to do whatever it takes and if it is good to just dive in and press on I am willing to do that. I just need to understand how to do that before I jump in and start.
I certainly don't want to discourage you or anyone from asking questions here, but there are limits to what a resource like an internet board can do. None of us have ever met you in person and none of us have first hand experience with how you worked the first three steps, so I would be reluctant to offer specific suggestions about whether or not you have done the first three steps to the point where you are ready to do the 4th and 5th steps. We just don't know.
But in general, it's beneficial to be actively working on whatever step you are at, rather than 'taking a break' from the steps. So once you and your sponsor feel that you have finished a particular step, it's time to move on to the next one.
A sponsor should be able to explain to you what each step does and why we do it, and work with you to know when you are done with a particular step and are ready for the next one. They can share their own experience, strength and hope with you regarding the 12 steps and explain exactly how THEY worked these steps, what they did right, what they did wrong so you can learn from their mistakes as well, and then walk you through the process yourself.
So have you asked your sponsor this question about whether you are ready to do the 4th step, and if so, to show you how to do it?
In addition to talking with your sponsor about this, you can also get lots of information directly from the two main sources of AA literature, the AA "Big Book" and the book "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions". You can also check the meeting directory and see if there is a 'step meeting' in your area. These meetings have a slightly different format from other meetings, and typically they read one step per week (from the 12 & 12 book) and then the discussion following the reading is based on people's experiences or questions about that particular step. After 12 weeks, the cycle repeats.
But experienced sponsors who are willing and able to work with us to show us how to work the 12 steps are a very valuable asset to our recovery, and it's a good idea to make use of this resource. Don't hesitate to ask a sponsor for help with the 12 steps. That's what sponsoring is all about.
My experience is the same as Rick's, the steps came before recovery, not the other way around. I took my fourth step with my sponsor as I was unable to understand what was required on my own. You may get several views on this. Some believe it is a life story, an epic novel if you like, which takes ages to write. That idea scares a lot of people off.
The way we did it was according to the book starting on page 63 where it mentions a spritual house cleaning.The example on page 65 shows we start with a character defect, resentment. Then we look at selfishness, dishonesty, and fear, followed by harms to others and sex conduct. The Hazelden Guide to 4th Step Inventory was very helpful in understanding defects.
As we went through each defect, it only took a few examples before a pattern emerged and I began to see it. Once I could see the pattern, we moved on to the next defect. The whole exercise took a few hours on a Saturday.
I still have my inventory. It is about 5 pages of widely spaced writing that looks like it was written by a child and it was. It is a general document that anyone could read and not be hurt by.
As we looked at each character defect we discussed what it meant and how it applied to me, and what effect it was having on my life. These were my handicaps and I began to see how I was my own worst enemy.
"if you have already made a decision (step 3) and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself" p71.
Then read pages 72-75.
The 5th step is in the next chapter where we tell someone all our life story, all the skeletons in the closet must come out for an airing. It seems to be a lot more than just reading an inventory, though the inventory can be a useful prompter. The book talks about the wrongs I had done and their effect on page 73- " These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him......."
On your original question, the steps seem to lead from one to the next, like this. Step 1 identifies the problem for which we need a solution. Step 2 selects the AA solution, a Power greater than ourselves (or not as the case may be), this leads to step 3 which is a decision, and only a decision, to do whatever it takes to bring this Power into effect, and what it takes begins with step 4, an inventory, the action part of step 3, and so on.
Therefore it is impossible to do step 3 without starting on step 4. Hope this makes sense. It has taken me years to get my understanding down to this simple level.
