wow its working! great!

Thanks for the post. I found this by looking in my messages! a wonderful thing computers but I find them confusing at the best of times.

I had been drinking since I was 15. It made me feel human for the first time in my life. It took away my fear and gave me an inner glow I never felt before.

Most importantly it took me out of myself.

I soon discovered that if I drank enough, I got this mystery power and id wake in the morning with a girls number in my phone, this was great, apart from when sober I could not function.

Very soon I found myself drinking in college time followed my work time. I got fired from one of my first jobs for (a) stealing money out of the till when in black out (b) stealing vodka from the bar whilst working. and obviously the fact that I was stewed didnt help matters. in the afternoon the next day I had a vague feeling something was not quite right, but I still turned up for work only to be escorted out the building. this takes me up to the age of 19.

I had a brief encounter of good luck, I started modelling, I got two jobs, one was humiliating. Ie nude. however the £700 cheque a week went to my head. I drank to let let the good times role.

Very soon I ran out of money and luck,  I found myself in hospital or the second time, this time with a broken nose after I broke into a pubs celler for the 5th time and was caught and beat up by the bouncer out side.

All I could think about was poor me and my poor nose and the fact that my modelling was through because of it, obviously the fact that I had brown teeth, gum disease, fat body and looked half dead didnt come into it. I was then 20.

by the age 20-21 I started living with a girl I met at college studying music.

it went well for a while but towards the end, I would sneak out at 11 when I was drunk enough and go clubbing on my own and it would be 50/50 if I woke up in my own bed or on a kerb, I generally didnt take many girls home by this stage. I once woke up hugging a traffic cone that really freaked me out.

I was at this point in my last year of college I think, I soon discovered that if I opened up a student account with every bank account that did a student account, plus take a student loan, plus lie to family and friends about my hardships plus steal from where ever I was working, I could get by pretty well. I even discovered that I could take out approx £200 more than my overdraft limit just by doing small transactions one at a time in different supermarkets, so it was quite a handy tool to learn that I could get lets say a 1/4 bottle plus £10 cash back when I didnt have a penny to my name. drink up then go to the pub, go to another supermarket / beer off and do exactly the same.

Despite the affairs I had, I lost count when I was 19 I was extremly upset when I found my girlfriend at the time having a flirt online with someone, I hit her on the head and the partnership was over from then on.

I am not proud of hitting her.

I felt from that moment on that I must get tanked up, every afternoon and didnt stop for 4 years. I found myself in all sorts of dives looking for companionship and love despite being too drunk to talk.

I remember one night walking home on my own as I usually did and putting my fist through a Christian shop window. that left a huge scar on my hand which I have to this day.

I met a girl in a club one night and I am with her to this day.

I had to move out of my digs rappidly when I was robbed. I squatted with friends for about a half year and lived out of black bags, by this stage I was feeling terrible and even though before all I did was drink, now I found I could not stop despite wanting to so I could eat and find a place to live, I was in horror every friday when I found that I was hundreds over my overdraft limit on the day my income came in and I had no food or drink, some how I found that drink, but I didnt eat all that much,

I have my current partner through a lot, I became depressed in 2002 and started drinking whilst taking anti depressants and strong pain killers and diazipam. I discovered if I took 6 times the dosage on top of a few bottles of red (which was my drink of choice towards the end) no one could hurt me.

I was scamming prescriptions left right and centre, I stopped drinking during the day, and reserved that for the second I got out the door of the job I was working in at the time, I popped pills all day instead which was like solid alcohol, apart from I needed to top up every half hour.

It all came to a halt when I had a suicide attempt in 2004 after bankrupcy. I went to aa for a while but carried on drinking. I thought that the lack of money would stop me but it didnt. I would search the house in panic for that money to buy a drink, I took to stealing again - this time out of my partners bag or just steal a bottle from the shop.

I hated drinking on my own, the only company I had.

 I stopped attending meetings after about a week, 6 months later I hit my rock bottom and came back to AA.

I guess my life starts here.

No its cool I have to admit I do laugh today.

As for meetings I say three is the key. Although I am doing four at the mo.

I blamed the anti depressants and diazepam, I said to those around me, "if I stop taking those nasty pills I can start to drink again like  anormal person"

I must have been insane. I never drank like a normal person. from my very first drink I drank for the effect that came with it. (to be out of reality)

A hammer would have been far cheaper and less messy.

Thanks for setting this post up for me! my head is still a little slow although I am in a good space at the mo!

I am 25 by the way. I felt I was too young to be an alcoholic. it was lucky that I had my rock bottom "raised" up to me when I went to meetings and discovered the yets. there were not many yets left, luckily I have never had children or homes to lose. But anything else always came second best to Alcohol if it was sellable id sell it. As I mentioned I went to music college. I sold a guitar amp worth £1k for £200 so I could go out when I had no other choice but to otherwise not drink.

I am hoping that I can form some long term friends here and this is just the start of my recovery. I do not want to go back to the place I have been it is scary. I honestly do not know how I managed! weak willed my arse! Alcoholics have to have strong will power to put up with all the crap that goes with that sort of drinking. The "normal" folk of the world stop drinking when they begin to feel slightly sluggish. Not the Alcoholic, (I only speak of myself) I carry on past the throwing up stage, then I can more or less drink what I want till I pass out.

I remember the times in the morning when I would look through my wallet in horroh. there the hell is all my money gone, there must be some more money somewhere else, how am i going to do XYZ, where was I last night who was I with and what the hell is that on the other side of the bed?

I think the scariest part near the end was I had, had a chinese meal the night before in bed, with vodka. I woke up in the afternoon and I was covered in sweet and sour sauce and prawn crackers, It was stuck to my face my ass everywhere. I was too weak to shower and tidy up so I called my mum over to help me., god knows what she must have thought. it looked like I had S++t the bed but in a bright orange colour. I guess you had to be there, I was in a state.

I can look back and laugh now. a few days before I stopped drinking - I was at a wedding> I was told that under no uncertain terms was I to get drunk. there was ten cases of free champagne for goodness sake!!

Gotta go !! sponcer is here!! shall finish later!!