Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it. Hate needs no instruction, but only waits to be provoked. --Katherine Anne Porter
We often enter into our relationships believing there is one perfect way to act, and if we can only find that way, we'll be successful, accepted. But there is no such thing as one best way to be with another person. The wonder of any relationship is that it involves two imperfect people.
Believing that perfection will ensure love is addictive thinking. Love is a gift that must be given freely, there is nothing we can do to control someone else's choice to love us or not love us. All we can do is our part by learning each day to love as best we can. It may be difficult to find within ourselves such qualities as emotional maturity, separateness, honesty, forgiveness, patience, and self-respect. But those are the very qualities we must cultivate to love someone else.
It can be frightening to trust another person enough to take risks and let go of the outcome. But love is a risk that's worth it.
I am learning that I don't need to be perfect to be accepted and loved by others. I'm also learning that I don't need to expect perfection from others to love and accept them.
I can really relate to this one. My father was very perfectionistic. He was an abused child himself. I was rejected by him, and was hollered at, controlled, etc. I thought that it was my own fault that I was treated that way because I wasn't good enough, and so I thought that if I got better, then he would love me and treat me better. When being better didn't work, I thought that was because it was still not good enough, and so I tried even harder to be even better, and on and on till the only thing left was perfection. I came to the conclusion that I needed to be perfect to be accepted and loved.
Now the thing is that we all have differenct ideas about what 'perfect' is. Of course you would want me to meet your standard of perfection.. and I expect you to meet mine. But who made your standards the "Gold Standard"?, and why should you sell your real sincere values out to try to be what I would like you to be? Here in AA we drop your standard and my standard and try to be guided by God. That works.
Now that we've decided to be guided by God,,, it is also as we understood Him,,, so we probably still have different ideas about what perfect is. And nobody can be perfect anyway. But even God doesn't expect us to be perfect.
Perfect is an ideal. Ideals are important to have to give us direction,,, something to aim for, but we do need to , I am working really hard on it, accept 'good enough', and someone's best effort. One of the standards of perfection is to be patient, forgiving, merciful. Is that a paradox or sompin?
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
