I was brought up by a very controlling father, with a very 'submissive' but manipulative mother. I was taught that I had to respond, and the response had to be one that pleased them, or else terrible punishments... my sister has a brain lesion from one beating. Since we tend to generalize and to think that all people think alike, I was conditioned that way to respond to any demanding person in a way that pleased them, or else. I thought I had only two choices... respond in 'obedience' and 'compliance' with the dominant,,,, or take the 'or else'. Sometimes I chose the 'or else' if the principle seemed important enough, and I still do. The 'or else' could be insults, derision, intimidation, rejection or some other kind of abuse that vents the frustrated anger of the one not complied with. Going blotto with booze is sometimes a form of escape from such a situation if we happen to be stuck with the other person, through being their child, or their spouse, or their employee.
This program has a couple of concepts that have helped me a great deal in coping with such situations and people, even if I can't leave. 'Detachment' means to keep our perspective in that not everything that looks like it is meant personally and aims for the jugular has to hit home. If we keep our objectivity, keep in mind that this person could have something like PMS, or issues from childhood, or gas and is venting on a near target, and that we DON'T HAVE TO respond is sometimes very helpful, as often any response is just fuel for the fire. Letting go means that I don't have to try to control the situation to keep from getting more hurt, and admitting that I actually can't anyway, so I DON"T HAVE TO try to placate the person, or convince the person of the error of the accusations made, punishments proferred, or try to calm them with pretty words and wanted attention. I can let God be God and put myself in His care as He works things out. Letting go lets me make space too, which is often safer than staying in the fray. Another phrase that someone taught me is 'disengage', and that means that it takes two to tango and we can just stop dancing to that person's music. Sometimes I'm caught by surprise and react automatically; but I am learning that there is wisdom sometimes in silence. That silence does not imply guilt or neglect. Sometimes it means that pushing the buttons is being a waste of time for the button pusher cuz the buttons are disconnected.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
love in recovery,
amanda
-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 07:27, 2006-02-07
-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 07:30, 2006-02-07
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I remember I would always say to my sponsor "but I didn't know that's what I was doing "and she would look at me and say" now you know...and when you're aware you can do better." The program of AA saved my life, it taught me so much...
To thine own self be true....Principles above personalities...take what you need and leave the rest. I am not going to want to play with everyone in the room but I have to respect them because they are there to stay sober just like me.
Detachment was a concept that took me years to grab a hold of, today it means not to get caught up in other peoples issues, let them deal with them in their own way. I don't do well when people start the he said , she said conversation around me...I learned to say that's too bad, but what about you ? How do you feel...what can you do? And I love the don't add fuel to the fire, if I don't it will die down,and that's okay. I also learned that every word spoken is not about me, or directed to me and that everyone has their own way of communicating and it is not always my way.
I have figured out that I'm a very sensitive person , that's okay...but if I want to live life in this world I have to put myself out there and say to myself many times a day...This is about this person...not me. And let them live their life on their terms and it might not include me.I am in control of my life today and if someone else is having a good day ,a bad day or what-ever I just need to allow them their space and get on with my life.
Great share Amanda...where would we be today without the program and recovery? I'm sure I'd be dead.
I understand your statements intellectually. The problem is emotionally, I tend to go off on a tangent. As soon as my wife lets me know that she doesn't care what happens anymore, a whole scenario builds in my head. I know that somewhere she still loves me, but doesn't like me anymore. I have the same dilemna with her. I love her, but I don't like her anymore. I wish that there were a way that we could get back to where we were previously, but I doubt that will happen. A lot of this is because of my own behavior, but she also has avoided any confidence in me, and prefers to confide in online people that she doesn't even KNOW. If she would go to F2F meetings as I do, she might find a different perspective, but I believe she enjoys the anonymous wallowing in her own crap. Not that I should under any circumstances take her personal inventory for her, but I happen to be a drive-by victim in a lot of this. Don't take that as an excuse, just an observation.
ensoph, hello, you make some good points. These concepts actually don't mean not to care anymore, but not to get upset and bent out of shape anymore, not to get caught up in the chaos. I'm thankful that you pointed out the difference between love and like also. It seems to me that I've heard that most marriage relationships go through a stage like that, when the first passion is more quiet, and then a mature love develops. Sometimes not going back is okay, if we go forward, and forward can end up even better. Sometimes marriage counseling helps a couple to move to the next level.
I'm glad you're here. I don't remember seeing you before. keep coming.
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
