Hey Toni, your post got me to thinking a lot about where I was, what it was like, and where I am now.
I was surfing the 'net today and came across a religion that I think I might finally be able to call my own. It is Unitarian Universalism. It's a lot about tolerance. It accepts people of all ideologies who are willing to become a member and accept it's tenets of tolerance, whether they are monotheistic, polytheistic, agnostic or even atheistic. (Sort of like AA)
I haven't had much to do with various Christian denominations, since I became disenchanted by the time I was 14, with all of their intolerance of other faiths, and even the political infighting within their own churches.
I also couldn't stomach the piety-for-show put on by all the folks(particularly the "upper crust") I saw out in the community for the other 6 days a week, scrambling to lie, cheat and steal their way to the top, all the while sneering down their noses at the less fortunate.
My father, being an ordained minister, was amazingly tolerant of my behavior, and even with my disgust with "hypoChritstians" (my own term for those "special" people).
I climbed on that fence of agnosticism during my teen years, and began leaning toward the atheist side by my early 20's.
I think I had a pretty cynical outlook on human behaviour as well. Pretty typical alcoholic thinking was a natural to follow on to all this. I had a yearning for a "Pollyanna" type world (all humanity caring for, and loving each other), and began to think for a little while in the 60's and early 70's that the "hippie" culture might actually bring all that about.
To me "Make love, not war" meant a great deal more than rampant promiscuity that narrow minded, older ultraconservatives perceived it to be. "Here we go again", I thought, "with all the HypoChritstians who, as usual, can give all kinds of lip service to 'God's love' and 'Jesus' love', but show their true colors when it's time to walk the walk. Well, us 'long-haired freaks' will have to show them how it's supposed to work."
BTW, during that time, and up to now, I have been living in North Dakota, a "red-neck's paradise", so you can imagine how well this kind of thinking went over.
So rather than bear all the pain of "man's inhumanity to man" in this obviously Godless (or worse, God forsaken) universe, I chose to begin daily self medication. As I mentioned in much earlier accounts of where I was, I didn't have a lot of knock me down type of drunks (could probably count them on one hand over a period of about 30 years). However, I had to start numbing myself as soon as possible each day, and maintain that numbness until bedtime. I got pretty good at being on a steady "buzz" whenever it was possible. As my tolerance grew over the years, I had to up the volume. Sometimes that meant I had to start pretty early on Saturday and Sunday. My state being "dry" on Sundays, back then, meant that I had to be sure to have enough "stock" on hand to make it through that day. I always managed that as well. That usually meant having at least a 12 pack stashed for that day. Once in a while, I could skip a night, a weekend, and sometimes even a WHOLE week.
The longest period of sobriety I ever had after turning 21, was when I was court ordered to attend alcohol counselling and AA for 6 months back in 1995. I made it for almost a year, 6 months actually being voluntary. AA meetings were sometimes poorly attended in this little burg, and sometimes no one showed up but me. I went back to my old medicating sporadically at first, then full blown within a few months after walking away. Nine years later, I knew that I had to find my way back, so I started searching the internet, and, thank God (as I have come to understand Him), I found this site.
Sorry for turning this into my life (or most of my life) story. Looks pretty weak for a reason to be an alcoholic compared to other folks' stories I have encountered here and in brick and morter AA meetings, but it is why I am here today.
Love and Peace,
Dan
BTW, I think I have finally found the answer! It is self-meditation, not self-medication!
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 06:38, 2006-02-05
Dan, sorry I just now noticed this post, but better late than never, eh? I can really relate to a lot of your story. I've been wondering about the pic of the hippie van that you use. I was a hippy too,, with the same ideals. Same disillusionment with society. My mom's father was a preacher and she married a nominal 'Christian', but neither of them practiced any religion. My father taught me it is a dog eat dog world. I remember Spiro Agnew, Kent State U., Martin Luther King, Jr, and the pics of Southern racists. The hippy movement was really about honesty and priorities and real values,,, a lot of hippies turned to drugs, plus the movement got infiltrated by groups like the Chicago 7. I think I'm still a hippy, I didn't sell out,,, but most folks don't understand. I do not participate in the capitalistic system,, but I'm not a commie pinko.... I believe in communalism, not communism. I believe in God and not the church.
I can really understand being a cynic, or a skeptic,,,,, and I can really understand the thirst for something more... hoping against hope.
I do believe in 'seek and ye shall find'.... if we keep seeking Truth, we shall find it,,, and that 'God is love' and that people who call themselves Christians but have not love are but clanging cymbals and noisy gongs,,, as Paul put it . I believe that we each have our own path to follow on our journey, and I am glad you are still making progress in your journey.
It is, to me,, like the movie "Man of La Mancha',, I own a copy of that movie... 'to dream the impossible dream'... the quest.... follow the star.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
