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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> topic - boundaries
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amanda2u2


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topic - boundaries
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Many of us have not had a healthy concept of 'boundaries', and have been, rather,   'all of nothing' in our attitudes. Many of us have come from dysfunctional families in which we were not allowed to have healthy boundaries. We were violated in many ways, and witnessed others being violated; or we were neglected and left alone, abandoned. When we went to someone for help, either inside or outside the family, we were put off with some excuse. I went to an authority to report that my father was beating me and my siblings and was told ,'don't make him mad'. When I went to school looking unkempt and being shy and withdrawn, I was left alone and not understood. I was bullied.


I was brought up told that it is a 'dog eat dog world' , and I look and I see a lot of people who live that way. And I see a lot of other people who seem not to care about those who have grown twisted, one way or another.


I have worked hard to develop some boundaries, after being in a few abusive relationships. My son finally understands that there are some things that I just don't tolerate, because they are destructive to him, me, the family,,,  and it is because I care and love him and want good things for him.  All his friends who have told him that he should be free to do what he wants, have just let him end up in all kinds of trouble and done nothing to help. I tell him when I think something is a bad idea, and why,,,  and then I know I can't control what he does.  When he goes ahead and does it, and gets in trouble, and has to straighten things out, I'm there to help him to straighten things out. And I do have ideas about what 'straight' means, so I will support some things and not others.


If that looks like I am 'judgemental'.. that is another topic. lol..    But there are two parts to what a judge does... the first is to discern ,,,  and we must be discerning..  we in AA have discerned that alcoholism is not good.  The second part is to pass sentence, or punishment, and that is what we are not supposed to do.   When a newbie comes into AA, we don't tell them that being an alcoholic is okay,, and we don't tell them that it doesn't matter what they do about it.  We tell them we know that taking the next drink is bad, and we tell them about how we recommend 'recovery'. But we don't punish them.


We had a question recently about a particular group that was letting people get sobriety medals without being sober. It was tolerated. No boundary was set on requiring that a person at least fake being sober to get a medallion. The person wanted boundaries established for the group.


Me,  I'm having a problem with my landlord. Do I have to tolerate all this bs? or can I have some expectations of his behavior?


amanda



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jersey


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hey Amanda?

i have a suggestion...maybe the news clippings and videos of 'Katrina'

might help you in dealing with your situation.....

just a thought.

I mean how bad is your ceiling in relative terms.

Sure it sucks but atleast you have a roof over your head.

it all could be much worse.



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Phil


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zzzz.....um....hmmmm....


Turning on two brain cells....bzzzzzz


Landlord?  standing outside of the picture and looking in...


What are the options...?


Scream at Landlord and get nowhere...?


Use one arm and do it a bit at a time..on my own...?


Hire someone to finish the work..and take it off the rent?


Or Move...?


There....thats done..:)


hmmmm...that sounds simple enough...:)


The rest of the post?  Its too early to do any more thinking...I just blew a breaker...and hafta put in new wiring...


Have a nice day...



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amanda2u2


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hey, jersey,,,,  hurricane Katrina?   I volunteered to go there...  was on the list to go to San Antonio, Texas to help out at Kelly Air Force Base where there was a big shelter with thousands of people.  Were you? lol   Am in the training process with the Red Cross now. Are you?  lol   I am not saying not to care... I'm saying that I do care, and I put it into action.  but about 'staying in our backyard',,, is Louisiana your backyard?  My apartment is my yard. see ya


Phil,,  about my landlord,, shouldn't I just tolerate him and his beliefs?  that he should make the most money he can with the least expenditure, although that puts me out. Your advice sounds really simple and easy, but there are some questions.....  can I afford to move out?  What will happen if I withhold my rent?  Some things sound simple when we are just talking - it's the doing that is makes it complicated, eh?  Like thinking early in the morning. And,,  your post to me is a good example of what I am talking about. Bring it on.


Now,,,  we are seeing here, in your posts to me,,, about these principles in action. What were you saying, jersey? Phil?   umm  How does it apply between us now? tolerance, boundaries, compassion..



-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 10:39, 2006-01-29

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jersey


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just sounds to me its the good ol misery loves company thing and the board is everyones to participate on not your forum alone.

you are obviously in a bitchy mood and have nothing better to do with your time but to argue and debate with others.

it is just a shame that you cant step back when in bad mood and listen for a change.....when an alcoholic needs to.

as far as my backyard is concerned when shit from my neighbors gets tossed over the fence because they cant take the time to dispose of it properly your damn right it becomes my business.

i have seen you go through these things over a two year peroid....so i know you know better....you just dont want to let it go and the rest of us needs to suffer because of it.

talk to your sponsor and lets leave the board a neutral place for us to come to without fears of being attacked.

you want to vent fine stop critiquing.

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GammyRose


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Boundries....I think the main boundry on this board is to take what you like and leave what you don't and not attack someone else for feeling their feelings. Not everyone gets up in a good mood or posts only when having a great day, same as in a meetings...I am not the AA police, and can not tell someone else how to feel or react.Hey ,I got up feeling ill this morning not having the best day...didn't feel like going to church this morning, not like me at all...but I don't expect to be told how I should feel.


I thank God that the things some of us had to endure as children is no longer ignored, if a child goes to a teacher or the police, it is almost always investigated. Wow, what about the case this week were the lady was in the convenince store , reported that gut feeling about the little girl, it's national news today. She stepped out of her comfort zone....took a chance.If you see a child being abused...what would you do...it's up to you and your conscience.


I think people are comfortable enough to feel they can say what they need here. Somethings in life have a solution, document each mishap, as with landlords, go to court... call child protective if you have a feeling a child is being abused,we are all living life and no man is an island.Pray, ask God for guidance.


This board has been succesful because there have been very few times someone attacked another personally... if I don't like or agree with anothers opinion I just let it go, that's my boundry, my choice. If something is not acceptable for the board John can be notified and he will make the judgement call, he is in charge of setting boundries here.If I can't come here and post how I'm feeling, where can I go?If I had a personal issue with another I would PM them. Please take what you like and leave the rest.This is my safe haven and I would hate to see that change.I pray we all have a sober 24 today !


(((Hugs)))


GammyRose


 



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amanda2u2


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thanks, jersey... I can see how far your compassion and tolerance goes.  Thank you all for your input and opinions, and for recognizing that I also have a right to mine.


God bless you all,


amanda



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Sick of being sick


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http://tenant.net/nyc.html


Recall you live somewhere in the vicinity of NYC.  Don't know if this site might be of help, but most states do have Landlord/Tenant laws. 


If you live on the other side of the river, try this link... http://www.lsnjlaw.org/english/placeilive/rent/tenantsrights.cfm


I don't know if you have looked at all of this stuff already, but, hopefully you may find some recourse.  It can be tough living with a landlord who would rather collect rent on a building without repairing it, finally dropping the property when it is condemned, and they can no longer squeeze another dime from it.


A good landlord is one who actually appreciates when you tell them about a flaw in their property which, left uncorrected, can lead to greater damage and repair expenses.


 


 


 



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amanda2u2


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Thank you very much.. ummm..  I don't want to call you 'sick',, do you have another name I could call you?  another nick or something?  It sounds like you have a good understanding of my landlord's philosophy. There is really not much I can  do about the situation for now. I have to stay here for 2 more years,, cuz of my health and financial situation. I do try to carry the message to him.  I try to stay as constructive as possible , even in my anger. What I am doing now is working at it a little bit every day..  like about 1/2 hour. More than that kills my shoulder and arm goes numb. I was noticing today that I am making some headway, and it might end up looking nice. I did some sanding on the floor to prep it for a poly urethane finish. I also figure that as long as I am doing the painting,, I can choose colors and accents, and have the walls a nice lime sherbet color, the closets trimmed with a darker green and white and a kind of light reddish brown, earth color,,, and I can stencil in some viney designs on the borders.


Part of my problem is like AA says,,,  I got upset because of my own limitations as much as cuz of my landlord's bad behavior.  I was brought up to be impatient, fussy and stressed. That's how my parents were, and so whenever I get into such a situation it is a big trigger for me. So I wrestled with my feelings and options, and am actually basically acting like a recovery person now.  Thank you all. I didn't actually do anything destructive, and am being as constructive as possible, including anger and its management.


love in recovery,


amanda



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