MY Big Hole

Doll · MIP Old Timer

MY Big Hole

Chrisb · Senior Member

Hang in there Doll,

At times when an anniverary of some sort comes close and we may have an oppertunity to succeed at something, ie; your 6 months our old self- destructing sub-concious wants to kick in and say, "We're this close to it, but we know sure as hell we'll find a way to screw it up!"

Ride it out, talk about it with your group and sponsor, pray about it and then soo you will find yourself on the other side of it.

Hopefully, this won't be you last out-of-wack day sober.

I'm glad you are here and sober!

Your Bro in AA, Chris

Phil · MIP Old Timer

They say that our disease is a disease of emotions..and one of attaining emotional balance on a daily basis..

Even tho I am having a hell of a lot better days than I used to have...I can still wake up ...the odd morning..with those emotional hangovers..that are mentioned in step ten..and still have a few dreams where I wake up saying to myself "What the "H"?

And it takes me a good hour of just meditating and getting back into a serene and positive state..

I have some days where a little voice inside me..also says "Hey..Youre not suppossed to be happy and serene" You arent used to this stuff" Get back down there...where you will feel more comfortable" :)

Then there are some days..where Im too damned happy..and my ego takes over...and I fall off the little pink cloud....

Then there are the days when those negative thoughts of fear ..guilt..and remorse..anger.resentment..what ifs....that still hide in my sub concious ..can still go "PING!"

For this big kid...the first thing is Awareness...and then doing what I hafta do to get it all in a slow...Let Go And Let God..mode...and staying in today..

And taking it all momemt to moment...

If it wasnt for a few bad days...we wouldnt appreciate the good ones eh?

Just my share Jen...You have a good evening..

Toni Baloney · MIP Old Timer

Hello down there, it's going to be o.k., I'm not going to jump down there with you, like in the story you wrote us the other day, but I can tell you you're going to be o.k. God will pull you out. Guaranteed.

A couple of things come to mind, First, there was this Recovery Couselor, talking about what points in our recovery will be difficult, (She was giving a lecture in the Woman's Recovery Center i was in.) She said watch out for the "5"s. Five days, Five weeks, Five months, Five Years, they seem to have a negative pull on our Progress. 'Nothing to be afraid of, just keep them in mind, because you will feel like you are being pulled in a backward direction"

I know this is a "take what you want, and leave the rest" program, but I decided to keep that one, (I think I saw that in one of Gorsky Books, maybe the one on Relapse Prevention, I can't remember which book, but I am certain that I have read that info. too) I marked those times on a calendar, just so I would remember them. I found some truth to it.

So, Since you are in you 5th month, it sounds like what that woman was talking about, "like being pulled in a backward motion." it will pass.

It seems like things have been going so well in your life, doing all the things that we can possible do, and then ...Wack! Doesn't feel good, right.

Also, Jen, early last week, I sat down next to a woman I like in my meetings, we both smiled and said hello, and when I asked how she was doing, she said " I really feel good today" and I told her I did too, no reason for it Just felt really good. We both acknowledged the " What goes up, must come down" and we laughed,..... Sort of. And as you know my friend, I fell into that big hole just a few days later.

I sympathsize , when we feel that stuff, like old Thinking behavior, it does not FEEL GOOD like going backwards. One step forward, two steps back, (the old definition of the growth process, and when we are in backward motion, we cannot see progress, at least I can't.

I don't see it as a setback, it just feels like a setback at the time.Kind of temporary blindness to all the good stuff. Maybe it is there to makes us humble , i don't have any answers to why.

Just keep in mind that from my (our) prespective you are doing So So Good. And it will just keep getting better,Jen.

What step on you on and could this be fueling this place your in??

Sounds like you're feeling kind of confused too, so here's...a little pal to share your ...mood.

love you bunches, Toni

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Toni Baloney wrote:

Hello down there, it's going to be o.k., I'm not going to jump down there with you, like in the story you wrote us the other day,

Hate to point it out, my friend, but you just did "jump in with me" and are helping me climb out....... thank you all !

jeannie · Senior Member

I totally agree with you Doll. Lately when I wake up in the morning - I think why! I was feeling great after getting out of a hole. Then all of a sudden I receive some very bad news and back into the hole I went. I lashed out in the wrong way and ended up losing - who I thought was a friend - I guess I was totally wrong. The light at the end of my long tunnel is that I also am coming up on the six month mark on Friday (27). I can totally relate to your post. Thanks and an early congratulations on six months.

Jeannie

GammyRose · MIP Old Timer

Doll, You are aware of how you feel, you are being honest and if you keep on sharing about it you know you will get lots of experience, strength and hope on this board and at f2f meetings too...just like you did tonight.Hey, we are human, feelings happen, moods change...that doesn't mean we are going to get drunk. Here I go...your least favorite slogan....This too shall pass.Then the next time you have a bad day or week...look back here. Thanks for your honesty.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose

rosie light shines · MIP Old Timer

DOLL__________waiting for my life to start, lonely, empty inside and sad. I'm trying to accept that this is life on life's terms, that this too shall pass, but I just can't shake it.

ROSIE______oh yeah, i can relate to this......sometimes this grief work, i feel like a pumpkin all "carved out" and i am this empty shell...someone stick a candle in me so i know there is something in me.........life can be a bitch....it is , to me, boot camp of spiritual training.....when i feel like this, i got out of my way to take Xtra care of me..please me.....nurture me....and yeah, this too SHALL pass.....one thing we can ALWAYS expect....CHANGE!!!!! nothing good/bad lasts forever.....i take the "ebbs" of life and "ride them out" making the best of it..................U R not alone, doll, hugs/ rosie

amanda2u2 · MIP Old Timer

yeah, see? Phil and Chris know. they've got a few years, and know that we can't always be 'up'. That was part of the goal of our drinking, wasn't it? to try to always be up and not come down ever? "Dealing with life on life's terms" means that we accept the things that happen and we learn how to deal with it all more constructively than before. It means coming out of the denial that we used to use to escape our problems. So, when we wake up feeling not wonderful we try to accept that, well,, maybe I'm coming down with something,, maybe I got HALT,, maybe it is pms, maybe I slept in a draft,, whatever, eh? and then deal with it in a healthy and constructive way... like maybe you need a bubble bath, or to 'act as if' the problem is resolving and will pass, or some of the other coping skills we are learning in this 12 Step program to get through the morning.

I've often heard that being in recovery doesn't mean we will have a pleasant life or easy life, and then people give me examples of people in recovery who have cancer, or some other trial happens to them and they deal with it all serenely and calmly and positively.

I'm glad we are supporting each other in doing that, thru the good and the bad, through thick and thin. That is what shows success, in my view. Through it all, our own foibles and the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

amanda