My Mother died 2 &1/2 years ago. Her value exceeded 1.5 mil. dollars in real estate and investments. When my step-father took control, I realized and accepted that whatever her wishes were for her part of her estate would be ignored and the will would be changed.
It was and the only thing I told my brothers and sister was they know what Mom intended and now it was up to them to do, if they chose, the fair and equitable thing. They did not chose thst option. That choice is for them to live with.
I purposely moved far away to have my own life. In that house I never felt like family to them. The only person there I was simi-close to was my younger, by 2 years, brother. Because of his choice, alcohol, he is not available to me as a brother or confidant.
My part is, when my younger brother found my phone number, I allow him in and I listen.
Usually, when he calls he is drunk or about to get drunk. The only thing he has talk about is how he is going to burn the others and his attorney is doing this or that and how the other brother gave the car keys to his Dad who went and got himself killed.
My part; I have not truly let it go. I gave in. When my brother told me he needed the others to panic, because of the thieving in the estate. I did it. Yesterday, I called my sister and left a message that, I had changed my mind and had hired an estate attorney. I am a part of that family and I do deserve to be included as an equal beneficiary.
I didn't expect her to call me back. When she did I almost didn't recognize her. Her voice was filled with hate and threats. That was the first time for me to experiance her that way.
By 9.30 I had the same remorse and guilt feelings as if I had just woken up from a nasty drunk. I don't like being in that place. It only makes me want to do the things I used to do to make those feelings go away.
Now I am going to list some of my parts and then the solutions I have come up with, so I can get on with my life without the self-created chaos.
1. I did not make it clear enough that I had no desire to have contact with them.
2. I accepted my brothers calls.
3. I did not take a stand with my brother.
4. I listened and chose to create chaos in my sisters' and other brothers' lives when I made contact.
Solutions.
1 When my brother calls again I will insist he get on with his life and I will have no further contact with him until the time comes he has a desire to give up drinking, let go of all that crap, and wants to change his life.
2. I will not again call or attempt to make contact with the others and will just leave them with their choices and to their lives.
If you guys think of any other solutions to this, please, clue me in.
Sounds like we are in similar situations with family. I have come to realize that they don't know any better than to do what they are doing... "forgive them for they know not what they do". That does not mean to be part of the chaos. That means that if they knew a better thing to do they prolly would. My family is in the same schtick as always,,, and I am the only one in recovery.
When my father died,, and then my mother,,, there are 3 of us and my brother and sister scrabbled to get 'stuff'. Well... I just let 'em have the 'stuff'. I also moved, before that,, cuz it is just not good to be too involved.
The emotional places that you and I are in at the moment... yep.... triggers.. and we have to remember the good things we do have because of recovey, that we don't want to lose by going back to where we were. I really still feel it this morning. I want to get drunk, give up, give in, get out. But I am working my Steps,,, a second at a time.
Hang in there, Chris... this too shall pass. Can you get to a meeting?
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
The first thing that came to mind when I read what was going on was TOXIC, TOXIC, TOXIC!
We are human, and do have a right to want to get what belongs to us, as heirs to any estate.
But the pricetag, it's way too expensive for me. I cannot afford to go near, and stay near Toxic People, because they are CONTAGIOUS, Big Time!!!
When my Grandfather died, and he was one of the founders of Missoula, Montana, he left his entire estate to his wife. Nothing changed. But when my Grandmother died, All hell broke loose, My father, that died shortly before I was born, in a train accident, left my mother, who slipped off the edge, because of that. So I was left with this Toxic parent that turned very mean, and because I looked just like my father, became the scapegoat in her life, She didn't mean to hate me, but she just did.
Anyway, I was about 10 years old when all this stuff broke loose, and all my uncles, and I had about 7 of them, that had always been pretty successful, with normal families, always seemed to love each other, well when this huge estate was up for grabs, I watch these brothers turn on each other like animals, fighting over large sums of money, can and does, in my opinion bring out the very uglyest part of the human condition. I had an Uncle that had a very large successful Real Estate business, become the Executor in this huge estate.
My father's share was left in trust to his two daughters, me and my sister, well my mother got into the act, faked all kinds of documents with my Uncle, so she could get her own hands on the money, which she did, and I just watched, at my age, I was completely powerless to do anything.
And over the years, I watched these brothers and my mother, all raging maniacs over this money. Well it turned out to be a pretty good learning lesson for me as an observer.
All of my uncle died within 6 to 7 years of when the fight began, all died of one form of cancer or another.
And my Uncle that was the Executor of the estate, the most cunning and deceitful of all, who was once a self made millionaire, died living in a one room hotel room with this crippled woman who was his friend, he was penniless, did not have one dime to leave to his children, that all expected a lot out of his one time estate.
So the morale of my story is a simple one, never fight over Death Money, even if you have it coming to you. It would have brought out the worst in me, and I knew it from my learning lesson from the past. I always had the opportunity to go to Montana and challenge the clouded titles of Property, that were stolen from me, but even the thought, made me feel I was getting into a lot of anger that in my opinion would have turned into the rage that i described, I wanted no part of it.
I have a neighbor who was telling me she was being sued, and was suing other people, and I remember telling here, "Wow, that's not the way I do things, if any situation ever arises where there is a potential for a Law Suit, i will walk away so fast, let them win immediately, and carry on with my life".
Personally Chris, because I am an Alcoholic, I have to watch with diligence, and be careful not to let any toxic people into my life. (My neighbor by the way, that wanted to be good friends, I simply loving detached from her, because in my opinion she was very toxic, once you scratched the surface.
I have to remember, that even though I recall my bottom being one of being pulled out of a gutter, I don't believe I would ever want to return there, But I also do believe that the Disease I have is cunning, baffeling, and always sits in wait for me. That thought always scares the you know what out of me, so I do what I have to to stay close to step 10, and when I am wrong, and I am wrong often, I have to clean it up immediately,
So my Brother, take what you want, and leave the rest. As a true sister to you in recovery, I can tell you I care a lot about your sobriety, nothing else. And I think of you as someone that I admire a lot and Respect your own Recovery, you are one of the Best.
Another lesson in how money can be the root of evil. There is a saying, "the more you have, the more you have to worry about'. Although, to tell you the truth,,, I am kind of miserable too in the slum here. I know I chose to let 'stuff' go,, but gee whizzz.
The thing about the theory of staying away from 'toxic' people,,,, is that we are supposed to be carrying the message to the still sick and suffering. We are supposed to be giving it away, right? Now I know that it is a whole lot easier to give it away to a stranger who is on the other end of a computer out there somewhere than to a close family member who is very trying, but.... there is also the saying, "there but for the grace of God go I",,, that we use about still active alcoholics that we see have gone back out. And,, most of us would admit, because of the honesty of this program,, that we are not the most perfect people either. I used to be a very 'toxic' person, and most people did stay away from me,,, but there were a few very patient, kind people, most of them Christians,,, who did help me. Some with practical help,,, a ride, a smile, an ear, a few bucks, some elbow grease, prayers,,, and some with good examples of positivity when I was negative, moral support when I wanted to give up, and the people in meetings with the phone numbers available when I need to bounce things off of someone. They didn't get caught up in my negativity but were stable influences. I thank God for them. Even when we do need space,,, it is temporary,,, not forever.
The Golden Rule - 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. If we are learning about unconditional, merciful, forever love,,, do we think we should get that ourselves and not also give it? But then,,, that raises the difficult question... what is love? what is the most loving thing to do in any specific situation and moment. Sometimes love is establishing boundaries,, sometimes it is saying 'see you later, I need some space right now', and sometimes it is realizing that maybe we need to smile at someone even when we don't want to. "love is patient, love is kind, slow to anger, not self seeking..." Sometimes,,, if we are the ones who are better than the others, it is on us to be the example to others of those qualities that make us not toxic and healthy people. Perhaps that toxic person comes from a background of abuse themselves,, and have never experienced real love, and so can't begin to know how to give it.
love in recovery,
amanda
-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 13:03, 2006-01-25
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Well, what i mean about Toxic, are the people that are not in recovery, don't need it, don't want it. and not especially Alcoholics either.
I am not referring to any Alcoholic that is coming into the Progam. As sick as they may be, if they are seeking help, then the last thing I would think of is that they are toxic. I would treat any new Alcoholic in this program with the same love and gentleness that I received.
My definition of who Toxic people are - are people that refuse to look at their lives, and the harm that they do to others. Maybe that is too judgmental on my part, but I know for myself that I do have to be careful, I am responsible for protecting my own Sobriety, it is the one thing I can not afford to lose in my life.
So once again, it's just semantics.
I think you misunderstood me, but that's o.k. too.
Toni
P.S. We could use the folks in "The people of the Lie" by Scott Peck, Md. as an example of what I was trying to say.
Chris, I'm sorry all this has reared it's ugly head again. It sounded like you were dealing with it ok for awhile and that you might be getting back on the track you need to be on. You are the only one who can decide what that is.
I think there is a time when people have to use the courts to decide what is right and that it works well for many.Sometimes we have to fight for what's just and fair. But as a recovering alcoholic and someone who has auto-immune difficults that are made much worse by stress....I have to choose my battles wisely.And on that same note I have to decide when it's time to forgive and move on. I was blessed to have a sponsor who always said "choose forgiveness, you will never regret it."
It sounds like you are working on a solution and it will come.
Too bad we can't pick our relatives just like we do our friends! I come from a very "toxic" family myself. Sometimes it's tough...... excellent job chrisb, thanks for sharing your strength and hope with me. Hang in there....
4th edition BB ppg 552 "If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for that person or thing that you resent, you will be free........."
Hugs, Doll
-- Edited by Doll at 21:46, 2006-01-25
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
