I went to a wedding Friday night I thought about making up an excuse not to go but they where very good friends and I felt I needed to go. I did not drink. I have not drank in 14 days but the guilt and the dishonesty of all of the lies I told while I was drinking is beginning to eat at me. My children are supportive but upset about what I have put their father through. I have been thinking of asking for a seperation more because I am in a toxic relationship with him. He can be controlling and drinks more than I do but they see him as the victim because he is acting like one. He makes comments to me that I have my meetings but who is going to help him. I said you can go to Alanon since you feel you have no problem or come to an AA meeting to see what it's all about. He said I don't need that sh-t.
I think he would feel better if I drank. Well I survived the wedding sobber but he was so wasted he could hardly walk. I promised my daughter I would not leave until after the Holidays but I don't know if I can do that. So much negativity coming from him.
Going to find a meeting to get my head back on straight. I think I am more determined to get better so I can get out.
Congrats on 2 weeks Marie....It doesn't sound like it's been easy. Only speaking for myself...I don't think I could have done it with someone like that. This was life and death for me Marie....I had to treat it like that. Have you met any woman yet in meetings you feel some kind of connection with?...Someone that you could confide in...Someone you could ask to help you with this AA life?...Someone that is living it and has been for awhile?
Thank you all for the advise. I went to a meeting I feel better. One day at a time. I do not have a sponsor yet. Some tell me it's too soon and at this point I'm not really sure how to go about getting one. I realize I am changing but not everyone around me is so I will try and be patient. I'm happy I have found this forum to vent. I don't always want to unload to my family or friends so sorry if you all get the brunt of it.
Hi debird17. Regarding how to choose a sponsor, just look for someone in your meetings who has worked the 12 steps of AA and who has gained a measure of serenity and an ability to live life sober and contented. It helps if it is someone with whom you feel comfortable, and feel that you will be able to talk with openly, and be willing to follow their advice about how to work the 12 steps. Tell them you are looking for a sponsor, and you want what they have and ask them if they would show you how they did it. There's no reason to wait at all. Go for it!
Sister....we've all done the best we could with what we had then and what works is what we pass on because what didn't is fluff. You're wanting growth and with two weeks of sobriety you sound much more alert and aware than I ever was. Start the process...going to meetings Yep...reading the literature/Big Book and others...yep...Getting Honest/Open/Willing? yep then go listen to the oldtimers and when you find that woman that humbly speaks how it worked for her...reach out and ask for help. Since we all just work this one day at a time without a guarantee and only a reprieve we do the best we can. Every old timer I've ever met and sat with and listened to had no idea how to explain perfection only getting close when they included their Higher Power in the process so the chances are very good you won't either. Grow!!
I empathize with you about living with an active drinker also cause I was also married to an active alcoholic/addict and then lived with an active alcoholic/addict son and since addiction was all I knew about every one else in my life had some fixation they would not let go of including me. My early sponsorship told me "you have to get away from all things alcohol" and blindly I followed thru and walked away from my family of origin, my spouse and most all of the friends I hung with. The alternative was to loose my life and anything else of value that was attached. I wept like a baby getting away from my wife and felt like a nomad leaving my family or origin and then an isolating foreigner after the friends were gone and then look what's happened...I'm sober and everyone in my life today brings value and no booze. Could never have imagined this 36 years ago when I was waiting to just lay down and stop breathing.
Be tired cause that is as best an excuse to rest and tank up there is. Don't drink because you become the person you hate the worse. Stick with the program because you need and deserve sober peaceful sane people in your life you know about. Keep coming back....(((((hugs)))))
I believe everyone who comes to AA has a window of opportunity provided by their higher power.
It's great you have 14 days but the truth is, if you are an alcoholic of my type, God has been holding the window open in the hope that you will get to work and put some props in to hold the window open permanently. The props are the 12 steps, and as others have said, a sponsor who has had a spiritual experience is what you need to show you how to have one too.
As for too soon? "We beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start" Alcoholics of our kind get worse never better. We lost the power of choice in drink and we never get it back. 14 days sober does not mean we now have a choice, we are just as powerless as we were the day before we came to AA. Our mission is to get some power, to get spiritually connected, so that we can have a spiritual experience and be taken to a different place, a place of neutrality where we are safe and protected, and the alcohol problem has been removed. Where we don't even need to think about drinking.
I would like to be able to say it's OK, take your time etc. But I am not God. I don't know how long He will keep the window open, and neither does anybody else. I've seen it shut a million times. And I've seen plenty of folks do what I did, get some urgency around those steps, and prop that window open, and they are still sober today.
We may have lost the power of choice in drink, but the one choice we do have power over is whether we will start the work or not, so to that extent, it's up to you.
Congrats on 2 weeks Marie, ... sounds more and more like you're right about your relationship issue, sounds 'toxic' to me ... like others have said, I'd lean heavily on my sponsors advice and any of the other old-timers around you feel comfortable talking to about it ... Listen closely to what they have to say ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Good Morning debird and congratulations on reaching 2 weeks of sobriety--and to do so when you are with someone who still is an active drinker everyday, as well as attending a wedding and being around drinkers without letting that interfere with your sobriety-- That is huge! It took me a few months to get a sponsor. I had people in AA telling me I needed to find one right away. A few others told me to take my time. At first, I wasn't sure I even needed a sponsor. After attending lots of meetings as well as coming to this board, and hearing how people's lives were changed by getting a sponsor and working the steps, I started praying to my HP to please bring a sponsor into my life. Within a couple of weeks I had a sponsor and am anxious to work the steps. Had I been going through a situation such as yours, where I had to be around another drinker on an everyday basis, I would like to think that I would have been more eager/anxious to find a sponsor. I don't know if I would still be sober had I not done so. My sobriety is my main focus in my life and I am willing to "do whatever it takes" to stay sober. I am not sure if the book "Living Sober" has been recommended to you, but it is a great book (by AA) and is filled with so much helpful info. The chapters are short, to the point and easy for me to understand. I just read the section about how alcoholics allow other people to affect our sobriety. I have always let what other people say or do affect me so much. Like a lot of alcoholics, perhaps most, I have always been extremely sensitive, even when I was a kid. It reached the point where I cared more about what other people thought of me than what I thought of myself. Since being sober, however, I have learned that I am important and what and how I think and how I feel has value. I cannot let anyone or anything get under my skin anymore and cause me to want to drink. I feel like I have my power back and my life is not out of control anymore and I feel really good about myself. In fact, I don't remember ever feeling this good about myself. I hope that I have reached the point where no matter what anyone says or does, I will choose to ignore or even walk away from them if they criticize me for any reason--especially for being sober, attending AA and wanting to be a better, healthier person. I am sorry that you feel you are being put in a position where you may feel you have to defend the choice you made to do the same for your life and wanting to live longer. Your husband is going to be skeptical of AA, because he wants to drink and has no desire to quit at this time. I wonder if deep down he has a little resentment because you are doing something which he wishes he could do, but hasn't been able to yet. There is a possibility that he will be more motivated to stop drinking by seeing you be successful in the program. That is up to him as you cannot change anyone but yourself. I have found that the majority of people in my life, not just recovering alcoholics, are very supportive and I choose to spend my time, (on this board, AA meetings, and other places) with those that are.
((((hugs)))))
