Not trying to rush through the steps, as I just got a sponsor, but the people, places and things is a big issue with me now (and I am sure for everyone)...but I guess I want to know from others' experiences if there is a particular step that they worked when they didn't let others' comments/actions bother them as much. I am still sober, but in the past my relapses always were the result of someone saying or doing something which hurt me. I do realize that it is my reactions that caused me to drink again and not the other person to blame. I guess I am scared of myself more than anyone else. If there is a particular prayer that you have said to your HP that has helped you deal with this, and are willing to share, I would love to hear it. I have tried to pray to overcome this, but still cannot let go of things in my mind to the point where it is hard for me to function. Thank you for your time.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 28th of October 2013 08:46:33 AM
stepchild, you are right I don't need to be rushing through the steps...I will talk to my sponsor about that and meant to at our last meeting and forgot. I like your prayer. I admit, I don't understand the "make me willing today" part....is that about willing to stay sober?( Feel a little dumb for asking that. )
That's not what I said......I said to get the idea about rushing through the steps out of your head...And to just get started on them. You know what speed I worked through those steps BTY?....At the speed that the God of my understanding took me through them. I prayed a lot for help.
As far as the prayer goes....
If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.
BB pg 58
Make me willing to go to any length to get what they have. And don't ever feel dumb for asking any question....I asked a lot of questions....That's how we learn.
I guess the question for me was...What length am I willing to go to?...Answer....I was willing to do anything.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Monday 28th of October 2013 01:35:21 PM
Where do you think those reactions come from??? Fear right? That it's true? That you're not good enough? That you're not worth it? That you don't deserve it? Etc Then your disease convinces you it's okay to drink because you're worthless, useless, undeserving etc anyway right? That you'll never be able to pull it off. That you can't do it. It's too hard, or it may say others aren't really doing it - so why should you?
So what has just happened? You've lost hope right?
We root those things out in our step work, and learn how to change our thinking through working all of the steps in order (I believe), and then practicing them in all our affairs. The key for me was to do it first of all - this gave me self esteem and self worth. Then to live it - this gave me confidence. Then to draw ever closer to the spirit of the universe - this gave me peace. I knew I was okay as I am. I am loved and what others think of me is not only none of my business, but I just don't have to care! What I think of me - and how close my relationship is to my HP is my life line. Even the people closest to me today - who know me better than anyone, can sometimes be cruel. They can say hurtful things. I am able to let that bounce off me now as if I have a protective shield. And in essence, I do! It's called love! I know I'm loved by a HP and I have acceptance for what is when I'm working on my relationship with him. That is always my choice, and I continue to practice choosing that daily.
I am here to tell you there is hope. This can work for you. It is possible to recover the malady and arrest the allergy. You are worth it and you are capable if you can be honest with yourself. Because the truth is - you were made exactly as you were supposed to be. I guess that falls under "God doesn't make junk". You are loved, and there is a HP waiting for you to see that and choose to treat yourself in the most loving ways.
Best wishes
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Yeah BTY...The steps are in that order for a reason...They have to be taken in that order...One leads to the next. If I might suggest...It wouldn't hurt to get the idea of rushing through them out of your head and just talk to your sponsor about getting started....The first ACTION we even take is on step 4...Good things are ahead of you....If you work for them. I think the prayer that helped me more than any other working those steps was.....
Hey BTY, ... great reply posts already, but I just wanted to add ... for me, these issues you are having didn't just one day disappear, it took time and a whole lot of meetings AND working through the steps WITHOUT delay ...
During the process of working the steps, one day, well many times, I got an 'AH-HA!' moment, then toward the end, a BIG 'AH-HA!' came to me in the form of an 'awakening' ... in the mean time, the Serenity Prayer got me through many a ruff times ... ... ... and don't forget ... "What other people think of me is none of my business" ... ... ... 'Time takes Time' ... don't be in a big rush, just listen right now and act when you need to, and let the miracle happen ... HINT: ... It won't come when you expect it ... It'll come when you least expect it ... ... ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks JAD for your posting...very informative and gives me hope that I will have the mindset I need to have once I work the steps. I have and do continue to operate on fear and think quite often I am not good enough. If I do something I should be proud of, I take away from myself of that accomplish. Or if someone compliments me, I often minimize it. I like your "do it, then work it" part about the steps. I feel like I am in the "do it" mode and just going along and trying to stay sober each day by going to meetings, praying.. But I am eager to stop the constant nonsense going on in my head which makes me question people, intentions, etc. (for ex., "what did he/she mean by that?"; "how could this person be so mean to me?", etc.) At least I am beginning to question my own thoughts more, and trying harder to not judge others actions....but it is really hard sometimes, particularly if it is someone close to me and/or something that really has hit a nerve with me. Just cannot seem to shrug it off, continue to mull it over and over in my head, and have this need to put that person in their place, even though most of the time I never do this unless it is someone close and then once I respond I end up feeling guilty and feeling worse. I guess that is about taking someone else's inventory and not my own. Too, since I feel like I have been hurt a lot in the past, I have this guard up that I am not going to let anybody hurt me again. Which is a trust issue, I feel, and more about me and my own past "stuff" than the other person. I will be glad when I reach the point where, like you--I am able to "let that bounce off me as if I have a protective shield". I question that I will ever reach that point, because I cannot imagine changing that much,but I have hope that I will. It sounds like I have to have that "spiritual awakening" which you and others have shared about. It is my understanding that comes with working the steps, too.
stepchild, you are right I don't need to be rushing through the steps...I will talk to my sponsor about that and meant to at our last meeting and forgot. I like your prayer. I admit, I don't understand the "make me willing today" part....is that about willing to stay sober?( Feel a little dumb for asking that. )
I was told back in high school that algebra involved steps you had to learn in a certain order before you could move to the next step and eventually solve the problem. Regardless of that, I tried to rush through them (taking shortcuts and trying to figure out an "easier" way to solve the problems. (I never understood why they substituted letters for numbers and thought it was unnecessary, but math was not my strongpoint--needless to say). I ended up failing and had to take summer school. I still had to learn the steps, and it took me a lot longer to pass because of my ignorance. Guess I should keep that in mind when I feel the need to speed up this AA process. "Passing"=Long Term Sobriety and "Failing" = Relapsing and Staying a Hopeless Helpless Drunk"
Hi Pappy,
I had never heard that "what people think of me is none of my business" quote until AA, and I love it. It has helped me be less paranoid about certain situations. I have not heard the "Time takes time" you said. I like that. I hope the "Aha" moment for me comes sooner than later, but I am willing to "do whatever it takes" and am trying to learn how to have more patience. Thanks, too, for your post!
jad, stepchild, Pappy, SobberStrummer and Fyne Spirit.... Thank you for your posts and wisdom. Greatly appreciated and I am sure I will refer to this post and your responses quite often in my step work. I really admire all of you and the work you do on this board to help others like me suffering with this addiction.
(((((hugs and love))))))
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 28th of October 2013 07:18:33 PM
That's the spirit necessary for recovery ... it is the right attitude to carry with you through this new journey you're on ... keep on keep'n on, you'll get there sooner rather than later ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The first is a helpful approach to working the steps. You can read this on one sitting then come back later and study parts.
Step One.
Admitted we were powerless over our alcoholism-addiction-dysfunction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
1. Admitting you're powerless over your alcoholism-addiction-dysfunction is one of the most powerful actions you can take, even though it doesn't seem that way in the moment.
2. The admission of powerlessness over an alcoholism-addiction-dysfunction is NOT an admission of powerlessness over everything in your life, although sometimes you'll hear people say that.
3. By and large, the unmanageability of your life is because of your alcoholism-addiction-dysfunction.
Step Two
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
4. Believing that something has more power than you do isn't hard when you look at your alcoholism-addiction-dysfunction.
5. How you define, or even if you don't define, your definition of Higher Power isn't very important in the beginning, and it will change over time.
6. Sanity is much more about balance than it is about anything like mental illness or madness - to be restored to balance makes a lot of sense.
Step Three
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God.
7. Make a decision.
8. Turning our lives over doesn't mean we give up personal responsibility. In fact, it's a way of taking responsibility.
9. You are responsible for how you understand God... It's truly a personal decision and journey.
Step Four
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
10. Write your Fourth Step - use pencil or pen and paper, or a computer, but write it down - there's magic in writing.
11. Start with those things that are bothering you the most right now. This list provides many clues about the details your inventory should include. Work from the top down, going backward in time. As we write down something we remember, it will jog into place an earlier happening.
12. Expect to feel some fear writing your inventory... Fearless is about what you write, not what you feel. Total honesty is the key.
Step Five
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
13. Admitting your wrongs to yourself is about accepting yourself as you are right now, with your flaws and faults.
14. Reading your inventory to someone you trust is really about getting honest with yourself and one other person. It's about not hiding and discovering how human you really are.
15. Choose the person to hear your Fifth Step carefully, but choose someone.
Step Six
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
16. Look deeply inside yourself to discover if you're truly willing to let go... and if you're not, ask for the willingness.
17. Spend some time with this Step; it's often more difficult than it first appears.
18. Acceptance of the defect or shortcoming usually precedes the willingness to let it go.
Step Seven
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
19. If a defect or problem seems to be sticking, look again at how willing you are to let it go. Try the little prayer over and over again.
20. Humility is also about accepting yourself - all of you, the good, the bad and the in-between. There's usually more in-between than anything else.
21. Humility has nothing to do with humiliation.
Step Eight
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
22. You made a list of at least some of the people you had harmed when you did your Fourth Step - start with those.
23. "All persons" means just that, everyone you can think of.
24. Keep your list handy so you can add to it when you remember additional people you have harmed.
Step Nine
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
25. Becoming willing to make amends isn't always easy, but it's always possible.
26. If you're afraid making amends will harm the other person or someone else, talk over you fears with someone you trust - it's really easy to fool yourself in this area.
27. The goal here is to tell the truth, not to be forgiven by the other person. If an old relationship can be set right, so much the better.
Step Ten
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
28. Step Ten helps us stay honest with ourselves, and helps to keep the "wreckage of the present" down to a "dull roar." Most often I found that it was my attitude that was wrong, it was just my head putting it on me one more time, and therefore an admission of wrong was to myself.
29. Being self-honest includes being aware of the good things we do as well as the bad.
30. An apology at the moment of need is best, but it's better to apologize later than never. "It is easier to eat crow while it is still warm."
Step Eleven
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
31. It seems our Higher Power, however you define that, is always available - it's up to you to stay in contact.
32. Experiment with your spiritual practices. It's important to discover what works for you.
33. Expect your beliefs and relationship to your Higher Power to change over time.
Step Twelve
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to (name your alcoholism/addiction/dysfunction), and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
34. The spiritual awakening is automatic if you work the Steps.
35. Carrying the message is often subtle and more by example than anything else.
36. Practicing the principles takes lots of practice; it's hard to get worse at something we practice, especially if we do it every day (and all night too), one day at a time.
Second item, learn the A B C's.
...our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent facts:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
I do realize that it is my reactions that caused me to drink again and not the other person to blame. I guess I am scared of myself more than anyone else. If there is a particular prayer that you have said to your HP that has helped you deal with this, and are willing to share, I would love to hear it. I have tried to pray to overcome this, but still cannot let go of things in my mind to the point where it is hard for me to function. Thank you for your time.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 28th of October 2013 08:46:33 AM
Page 569, the result of the steps:
"He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves."
While rushing the steps carelessly is inadvisable, "a few months" indicates that we should be getting on with them at a reasonable pace. Time is limited. I have to remember that until my spiritual experience took place, that profound change in my reaction to life, I was completely defenceless against the first drink. No Human power, including AA couls relieve my alcoholism. If I wasted time, I would eventually confirm I have no defence in the worst possible way.
I think Stepchild suggested this in another post, but I suggest you study pages 84 (step 10) through 88. If an issue is particularly troublesome, take a "personal inventory" on it with your sponsor to see if there is any action you can take today to fix the problem. Sometimes new issue can crop up and really threaten your sobriety unless it is dealt with quickly. It can happen before you have completed the earlier steps which is why it is suggested we try and clean up any new mistakes as we go along.
On the prayer question:
God, please take these stupid thoughts away, and God please send me the right thought or action for this situation, are two simple prayers that have worked well for me.
For me it is always the first part of the first step. "Admitted we were powerless over.....". The second part of the first step is the consequence of acting and reacting to events in my life which I had no power over. This is where the slogans on letting go became my behaviors in those events. I never got a warning or alert of anything that would come that would choose a bad reaction over. When I got the slogans I could choose to respond to those negative events with the best slogan. I know how to walk away from people and conversations which I'm not interested in...choosing to walk away without carrying a resentment or negative self esteem was a bit of a new skill. My sponsorship gave me permission to do that and I practiced. That and some recovery philosophies which I carried with me 24/7. "No one has the power to affect my life...without my permission". "Nothing can destroy my peace of mind and serenity without my participation". There are more and these two were starters for me. You can have them for nothings cause that is how much it cost me also. ((((hugs))))
