ok, i am in the s*** house with my sister (we grew up as sisters but are BIO cousins)
anway, her hubby 2 weeks ago, had heart attack....i was at the very same time doing this AWFUL workbook and going into crying /grief mode....i put off MY work, for a couple of days till he began to stabilize...
than we are on the phone, and of course she is tired, grumpy , etc, and here i am doing this workbook and i am in deeeeep pain!!! so i mentioned it to her and we kinda got "into it" over my not being able to "get the god thing right yet" so i told her "look we need a time out maybe till john is home...and i have worked some of this NEW step 4 stuff out..cuz i hurt like a "stepped on turtle---my shell is cracked"
she says ok, than i get this "sort of" nasty email, "Getting on me" about calling her too late at night to start into a subject like THAT........we ALWAYS talk late at night..the time frame on that call was no diferent...she was just NOTICING it this time......anyway, she tells me i am INsensitive to her feelings, and that i need to be more sensible to her feelings....
i email her back , noting that the TIME was not the issue, becuz of past track records, but that she needed her for her....i need me for me...and that i WAS sensitive to her feelings, becuz i was the one calling her checking up on her...and listening, putting my workbook ASIDE till i found out he was stable, enough for me to go BACK to my step 4 work and yeah, i had a "bad pain" day and "sorry i bothered u with it"
i offered to "keep my stuff with the group" and until i cried a bit more over this inner child pain, maybe i need to back off for a bit so i can be more "supportive to her" when we talk....but right now??? i am hurting and i need my group.....
well in addition to u guys, my OTHER sister and my OTHER cousin in addition to my sponser have been comforting me/ kinda supporting me....my sponser has her family et al, and so i was GRATEFUL for this added help from cousin and sister
i tell my sister karen this, and i said something like "guess what??? RUTHIE wants to work out this stuff cuz she is interested in alanon cuz of her A ex".... and isn't that great????
well i capitalized "ruthie" and so karen writes me back, kinda insinuating that "well u capitalized ruth, so i GUESS she is pretty important to you right now".....than she goes on (we are emailing, not talking) to tell me how her daughter in law was "there for her" and she enjoyed her visit....and how john is her soul mate, and that "i try to help others, but i just can't right now".....
i wrote back and told karen, "look its ok, u not being there for me however i had to get MY needs met...U were busy (i totally understand/ support it) however i had to get MY needs met..u were unavailable so i got my needs met ELSEWHERE, and i am grateful that my hp had me go to OTHER sources so icould get MY needs me like U were getting YOUR needs met via your daughter in law...
so i tell her in the end, that we BOTH needed our OWN comforting of our selves, at the same time, we both were unavailable so to me its a "wash" and like nothing to get all "bent out of shape over"
she wants me to feel like the bad guy cuz i wasn't there for her during her time of need, when i put off my workbook stuff for at least 2 days, to comfort her......
i am NOT the bad guy...i was in pain....i NEEDED some tlc....i had NEEDS....i expressed them....didn't get them....so i went ELSEWHERE and GOT my needs met......
she is going to have to "get over it" becuz i was there for her more than she was there for me....i understand in her eyes, i am not lying in a hospital, my wounds are invisible, but i was bleeding from my heart inside, and she just had NO time for me..........i am not mad at her for not wanting to help me, but dang it dont' get mad at me for going else where to get my needs met.........AND calling a "time out" cuz i felt it was best to "back off----detach" till the smoke cleared......
sorry, i had to tell u guys this......i am NOT going to put ME aside to help someone when i KNOW that they have plenty of others who can help, NOT long distance like me.....AND i am here alone, with NOONE near me, so i gotta do what i gotta do.......i am 95% of the time "There for her"......this one time we are both in need, same exact time and i took care of ME........i needed ME for ME.......i guess she will have to get over it....i am not mad at her...i think it was great marilyn was there at her house....i wish i had someone to hold ME!!!!!! so i did the best i could with the hand i was dealt...
i do and i AM praying........see we all grew up close....i am BIO sisters with jane, cousins with ruth and karen, and karen and i kinda went from cousin to sister becuz her parents tried to adopt me and get me "out of that house" needless to say they were unable to, but it never diminished karen's and my closeness....
however i am keeping my side of the street clean...not getting into a "peeing contest" with her...i told her she was in my prayers, however i made it clear that i have to meet MY needs...(something i didn't do in the old days...so i drank to numb my UNmet needs) well?? no more....rosie is getting her needs met w/out stepping on anyone.......
thanks for the reminder of keeping my side of the street clean......i think it will be ok 2...i am just hurt cuz i hate fighting with ANY of them........see ya / hugs back at ya
*sighs* That sounds a lot like how it is with me and my sister. I'm the oldest in a dysfunctional family and had to forget about my needs for everyone else's, and they got used to that. Now, when I try to establish boundaries and balance needs they act like I've turned over the apple cart. Well, maybe I have. The thing is, also with them,, they don't care about my needs even now,,, so I have also gotten around that by developing a support system without them. They don't know how to respond to that. Like when I was in a couple of foster homes as a kid. I'm the only one that is in 'recovery', tho they go for 'therapy' now and then. We just never developed normal healthy relationships, and don't know how,,, so we give each other a LOT of space. Sad, but one of those things we have to accept.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Take a deep breath and exhale... this too shall pass. I feel your pain, frustration, disappointment and a myriad of other feelings. They are your feelings and you have a right to feel them. You are safe here (hugs) and this is a safe place for you to release them. Ah... release... it has to feel a little better, right? In the short time that I have been reading your posts on this board and the others... one thing is clear: you are working it! You really are "hungry like a wolf" for recovery. I am so envious. I am so complacent in even taking a small step. But not you. Don't let this stand is the way of your heart's desire. It is but a bump but maybe a bump with a message. Take it as the opportunity that it is. Another small step in your recovery process. There is something there for you to learn. Sometimes it is not always initially clear. But at some point it will become clear to you. I have had several moments with my sister that are almost identical. It is part of being human. In the end, we are usually a little closer, a little more evolved in our relationship. I don't believe you will let this come between the two of you.
