I have been hanging around and perusing this site for several weeks. Grateful to have found ya’ll before the holidays! I have left a response to a couple of posts, but I figure it is time for me to step up to the plate and introduce myself. I have only now found the courage, after feeling the understanding, love and acceptance of the wonderful individuals that share their hearts on this site. So here goes…
I am not new to AA but have been away for a very long time. I had a rather traumatic childhood and have been punishing and beating myself up for as long as I can remember. In 1988 during one of my rock bottom moments while drinking and using I attempted to end my life. I was so tired of finding no relief from the pain. By some miracle and the grace of someone greater than I, I am still here to talk about it (although I still don’t like to). Even now as I think back on those days I feel the pain start seeping to the surface. I have shoved it down in the furthest, darkest corners but my demons always seen to escape and torment me laughing and dancing on my soul.
Anyway moving right along... following the "incident" in 1988, a sober friend brought me to AA where I found much needed comfort and was welcomed with open arms. I began therapy and worked my program for a while. Great things happened… then I got distracted. I moved my focus from my almighty to a new relationship… got married. Moved five times in the last 10 years. All the distractions served their purpose for a while… but I was really dying a little bit more inside everyday… sinking to the bottom all over again. I could never seem to get my focus back.
In 1988 I likened myself to the subject in Stevie Smith’s “Not Waving But Drowning”
Nobody heard him, the dead man, But still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking And now he's dead It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way, They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always (Still the dead one lay moaning) I was much too far out all my life And not waving but drowning.
I have again sunk to the bottom of the sea of my life. I have lost everything except my 3 y/o twins and even that is hanging in the balance. The roof over my head is temporary and I am a pariah in the community in which I live. I was recently court ordered to take the MMPI and discovered (not to my surprise) that I have an addictive personality. I have no idea what tomorrow may bring but I know I need to act.
Today my children are what keep me from drinking myself into oblivion every night. And although it might be enough right now, what if it is not enough tomorrow? Or the next day? So here I am. Starting over again. The only place I found peace before. I know you will understand. I know you will not judge me. I know you will be honest. I thank you for that.
Today I might feel like I am drowning but I know I can get to the surface for air. I can see the lifeboat and I am no longer afraid to say, I’m drowning, not waving!”
Welcome ZuZu, Glad you have found your way back, I hope you will post often. Do you have plans on going to a face to face AA meeting soon? That would help you get back into the program and do what you need to do for you. Step one , you are on your way to recovery.Praying for you and your little ones.
ZuZu, Welcome. Jennifer, alkie from down south. I am so glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your ES&H. I took great joy in you saying "after feeling the understanding, love and acceptance of the wonderful individuals that share their hearts on this site." because I felt that myself the first day I came on this board and poured my rock bottom, no good, drunken heart out. There is so much love and acceptance here. But when your need an ass kicking you can bet someone will do that too, out of love.
Please, please, get yourself back to AA. Start again, no shame in it. Let them, and us, love you enough until you can love yourself. I know the feeling all too well. For the first time in my 39.9 yrs on this earth I am able to love me, to find some hope, to know what real happiness feels like and best of all to know I NEVER have to drink again - NO MATTER WHAT.
YOU are a miracle today. You're in my prayers.
Hugs, hugs, and more hugs
Doll
__________________
* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
and Welcome Back, sounds like a lot of stuggling to get in and stay in - I can relate, I made a post about my own dealings with PTSD and the those toxic demons that kept me down - for the count!
On Page 3, of the Forum, Under the Post "Gratitude", you can read how these issues were addressed, how i delt with them after 10+ years as a chronic Relapser, i can really Relate.
I also wrote a paper at UC Berkeley, while taking a Behavioral Neuro-Pharmacolgy course on "PTSD, in Relation to the History of Alcoholics". My Paper was titled PTSD an Alcoholism, got an A- At U.C.Berkeley. I only mention my grade because it was one of the things in my life for which I am Very Proud.
It is my experience, that when we bury our "traumatic " childhoods. We push them out of our consious mind, and keep running away, with drugs and alcohol, using the same successfully for many years, and then when the disease gets us really "In its Grip" do not have a clue???
Many of the People on this Board suffer from (with) PTST (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
My suggestion would be to seek out a Professional that specializes in PTSD, and see if you are a candidate for treatment, along with your daily AA Meetings.
My Love is with you, and pray you will stay here on this board. It takes what it takes to get here. (Sometimes almost over our own dead bodies) But there is a way out, Working the Twelve Steps, Starting with Step one, looking at our own drinking careers, where they have taken us, and the admission of Powerlessness over it.
I will write to you later, I need to get my day started, and I am running late.
Welcome. It's never too late to start again unless your dead. Everyday is a new day full of hope. I would hope that your smart enough to go to AA before the courts mandate you to go for the sake of your children. No shame in getting help before your forced to. I guess my shame was being in the program,going back out knowing I was doing wrong. Today I can hold my head up and know I'm doing right for myself and my children. I was never court ordered and never will have to be as long as I do the next sober thing. My childhood was as bad as you can think of,but I try to be a better parent because of it. Even being sober I still have pain,but now I have a way to work through and it's not alone!
Thank you for your post. This is how the Program works. No matter how our lives unfold, there is always something to connect us. We each have a story. I feel you pain. I feel your confusion. I feel your desparation...Can you feel my hope for you? Can you feel my love for you? Can you feel my prayers for you? They are all there. Just close your eyes and breathe in life.
The answers are in the Steps. You are loved more than you can know. Choose life. It is awaiting your choice. JV.
Thank you Doll, Amanda, Toni, Zoomie, Chris and John for the open arms! I really appreciate you true concern and words of hope. I know I am in the right place and intend to keep tuning in (when my little ones allow ). I don't have childcare at this time so getting to a f2f meeting is going to be difficult but I am working on it. I know I need to get a sponsor and get to work. I am in therapy (I am able to take the little ones to that) and it definately helps, but finding this family here has made a huge difference already in my life. "Coming home" wasn't exactly a good thing for me growing up, but finding this site has definately been much more than any good home coming. Somebody once said, "A friend is someone who reaches for your hand but touches your heart." Thank you for reaching and for giving me a safe place to rest my heart. I look forward to sharing more with you. And yes, I feel the love.
). I don't have childcare at this time so getting to a f2f meeting is going to be difficult but I am working on it. I know I need to get a sponsor and get to work. I am in therapy (I am able to take the little ones to that) and it definately helps, but finding this family here has made a huge difference already in my life. "Coming home" wasn't exactly a good thing for me growing up, but finding this site has definately been much more than any good home coming. Somebody once said, "A friend is someone who reaches for your hand but touches your heart." Thank you for reaching and for giving me a safe place to rest my heart. I look forward to sharing more with you. And yes, I feel the love.