When I "joined" AA last year I heard it said many, many times, "stick with the winners" So that's what I decided to do. I made enough meetings to try to figure out just who the winners are. It took a while, but a couple months back, the winners began to want to be around me also and we have become very close, both at f2f and outside. We socialize outside AA, someone calls someone every single day, (there's 6 of us) and I for the first time know what it feels like to have people truly care for me (and my son). Here's where the "sicker" comes in. There's one guy that welcomed me and my son into his home, family life, church, etc, his and my son have become instant buddys, we went for Christmas at his mom's house - you get the picture. Well, he's told a nice little sexual lie about me and him (use your imagination) and he told his wife from the way I understand it. Guys and gals, I don't know what to do. My feelings are sooo hurt that he would do such a thing for ego purposes and it's getting to the point where I must do something. I've left a msg for my sponsor, but she's not getting back to me quick enough, so here I am asking ya'll for some more ES&H........ Can't let this turn into anger, cause that turns into resentments and we all know where resentments get us.......
Thanks for letting me share.
Hugs, Doll
-- Edited by Doll at 08:06, 2006-01-06
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
Read your "Mayday, Mayday" Post. I didn't understand something. Are you and your son Living in their home? If you are, it is my opinion that it would be a good idea to find another place. We are not responsible for what others say and do. We know that. And sometimes what people say about us, and if passed on third hand can really hurt. And when we are dealing with feelings of being hurt, and trying to peel them off of ourselves, ((it alway feels to me like someone has just poured a bucket of you know what all over me). The person that has harmed you, verbally, ....well you are feeling the hurt right now. But the truth, in my opinion, is IT IS REALLY on him. You will get over it, and well he is the one that has to live with the BS.
"This too shall pass", and the other one of "other people opinions about me are None of my business" always helps me when I am hurting over 'people, places and things, it does NOT feel like it is helping me, but time takes care of the hurt. And then you are free.
We have just met and I can tell you that you are one that always sends a lot of generosity, and positive stuff to others. What more can we do, give freely of ourselves, try to give a hand to the Alcoholic that still suffers.
Sounds like your are experienceing the Stink of being hurt, and hurt will have anger side by side, human emotions, that we have to deal with immediately,before they they fester into a resentment. Talk about, and talk about, and then talk about it.
Feeling Betrayed is one of the worst things, and when I feel betrayal, it comes down to one simple conclusion for me. Admit how much it friggen hurts, and then decide to walk away, abandon the situation, and Just don't abandon yourself, and things be o.k. in time.
With sober, clear heads we struggle to be free and we keep stuggling to be free and not spin out in co-dependant hell. Something I use too, when my head feels like some one has just set my head on fire , is to Remember that everyone, NO EXCEPTIONS! is a Beloved Child of God.
I do not have a clue if this helps, but I do feel for you, and that jerk Pisses me off too.
Your sissy in Recovery
Toni
P. S. Keeping your eye on the Prize, Sober, quiet living, Centered living, and let that BS spin around you, we don't have any control over it when it arrives.
Doll, I'm so sorry you are going through this. The guy is a creep. How did you hear this info? I agree with Phil and Toni, just ignore the man, the other people in the group know the truth and it will come back to bite him.There is always someone in a group that has to mess things up.
Call me an old-timer, but I have to remember what I was told years ago...it is better for women to form realtionships with other women in AA, outside the rooms, certainly in the beginning of sobriety.Sounds like this man might be on an ego trip, and yes, he is sicker than most.Like Toni said, talk about it till you don't have to talk about it anymore, write about it , pray ,feel all the feelings you need to feel, but it is not worth getting drunk, nothing is.
The winners are not always winners in life, just in sobriety.
If this fella is an AA'er, it sounds like he needs to take a hard look at step 10, then revisit step 9. It aint up to us though- he has to work his own program. I noticed you didn't say "hisex-wife", so I imagine he has created a pretty good mess in his home over his behaviour as well.
All I can think of to do at this point is to avoid all further contact with this individual, work your own program, pray(even for this dude), and as Phil said, hold your head high and truck on.
This is definetly not a true man of AA or church. pray for him, and stay away from him. we jst dont drink no matter what. your sponsor will respond!! Just hold on.
hmmm... sounds like some gossip going around. Could be a few things happening here. Could be that your attentions and company have been misunderstood. Some guys don't understand the word 'platonic'. How do you know it was he that has actually said exactly those things? could be his wife is the one who is bent out of shape and guessing that you two are an item, and reading things into it? Are they separated? I have a platonic friend that tells me he gets very embarrassed because people do talk,, he is afraid to be seen with me because of what other people think and say. I had another platonic friend that was married and our sons got along very well, and were in scouts.. I was a single mother and this guy gave us rides to scouts, and we sat together at functions. It turned out his marriage was not a happy one,, and we did develop 'feelings' for each other even tho we did nothing out of line. I had to back off, for the sake of his marriage,, which ended up in divorce anyway. I had another friend, who was separated, and one day we were all at a church function together,, and I happened to say something to him that she heard out of context,,, and rushed over all kinds of possessively. I had to laugh.. but I told her,, listen.. he is yours, but if you decide you don't want him.. he has someplace to go. The Bible says that there is nothing more tortuous than the human heart.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I agree it might all be gossip. Try confronting the guy when you see him again, or (I would do this LOL) call the house and tell him someone started a rumor. I could not sit around a let it fester,or I'd go crazy! Just as others came up with conclusions,so did you ( I would do the same thing though). I have a male sponsor, he is the greatest! I even go to his house when his wife is home and talk with her. I'd get really upset if some one started a rumor about us that's for sure.
"welcomed us into his home" as in for Sunday dinner, weekend cookouts with a group, etc. I own my own home.
It's not gossip. He said it! He said it in front of several people I trust and in front of his wife. She won't "react" unless he TELLS her to.
I'm staying away from him, but he calls several times a week to "check in" I've avoided the calls as much as possible, but one or 2 I've answered before I knew it was him. This is causing problems with my son and his son, they have become VERY close and now they're being punished......Not sure how to handle that one......I'm praying. And for those who know me, know I'm working the program hard on this one.
Thanks, all! Excellent ES&H as always.
Doll
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
I think I would have to at least talk to the guy if only to make sure what I've been told is true. Maybe the person who told you is the sick one. I'm just throwing that out there...you never know.
I can think of a few cunning ways to confront/expose him but I'm not sure if in the end my suggestions would make things better or worse for YOU, so I'll keep my ideas to myself.
I will share a story about what happened to me as a young kid in 6th grade, though it has nothing to do with your situation. There was a girl who everyone said liked me. She used to stare at me during an art class we were in together. She had a "rep" of taking guys up to her shed behind her house and doing all kinds of adult things. I honestly didn't really care about that, I thought she was pretty and was glad someone liked me. So we started talking and she invited me over her house one day. I said yes. We both told our friends that we were going to hang out at her house after school.
I saw the shed behind her house and didn't want to go anywhere near it. She did invite me up there, but I said I was in the mood to go for a walk. We spent the afternoon walking around and at the end of the "date" she told me I had better tell my friends that we went up to her shed. I knew what that meant, and she apparently knew her reputation. I said "okay."
The next day my friends wanted to know what happened and I said we went for a walk and then up to her shed. My friends tried to press for details but I just kept a fake grin on my face and said "we went to her shed and the rest is none of your business." My friends treated me like a hero that day.
A couple days later she told everyone that I was liar and we never went to her shed. So the hero turned into a goat. No one believed that she told me to make up the lie.
Doll, if you decide to confront him or try to reconcile the situation for your sons sake, make sure there are others present, maybe the pastor of the church, some of the others in the AA group, it could be repaired if done the correct way. I know you are praying and so am I.
Not gonna drink over it, that's for sure! Even if my ass falls off ! hee, hee, hee, hee..... this is not his opinion of me, this a blatant lie he told about me to the other 4 winners of my little AA recovery group!
And it is "passing" However, I can NOT just let it go. If I do, he'll think he's getting away with it and knowing the ego on this guy, there's no telling WHAT he'd come up with next. I do not have to accept the unacceptable.
Talked to my sponsor, she said "talk to him". So, we're - him, me, my sponsor and his sponsor - going to meet in a couple days at the AA house so I can put an end to this once and for all.
Thanks for all the suggestions! As always, much appreciated.
Doll
-- Edited by Doll at 18:35, 2006-01-08
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
Don't know what else to say but pray for this guy, God may straighten him and his lying out-and lies do ahve a way of exposing themselves and making things hard on the liars. We can hope this happens soon, but in the meantime, I'd try to avoid this guy! I'm sure that is easier said than done, but whatever-do not let his lies get to you! Remember your priority is doing what is best for YOU, no matter what lies anyone says about you.
This guy needs help obviously, don't let him make it your problem! You know the truth, forgive the guy for being weak and lying, and forgive others if they believe him and think hurtful things about you. What you think and know is what matters most, after all. Ask God for the strength to handle the lies as long as you must, or to take action if you must (like telling some he's lied to the truth, if appropriate.) Most of all, just take care of yourself and your son. Hope the liar will soon see what he's done and repent and ask forgiveness.
