I have an elated feeling of belonging to a privileged band of people in AA. This sense of belonging is very much important to me, since I didn’t seem to belong anywhere or to anything during the period of life, when I was an active alcoholic. I always lived in a world surrounded by empty bottles, glasses and ash trays full to the brim and with full of despair and fear in me in a hungry, angry, lonely and tired, hostile world of my own making.
I always had the temptation to apt for the easier and softer way to get away from this world, through the bottle since I neither had humility nor responsibility. Now when I look back, nothing has just happened like that and events of activities do not happen on there own. It was always the result of my careful and meticulous planning. When questioned, terror and fear would strike me and I would deny. Even though I could not manage my own life, I tried to run others life and that was clearly an end to my self-seeking. I was hoping against hope that I was not a true alcoholic, till I became hopeless and drifted into a tomb of alcohol and despair. I was bent on slow suicide.
I was very clever in building a wall between other people, on an emotional level and myself, and I was an expert in that. I had become a psychopathic and pathological liar and strangely I also had a sense of humor to do it. Communication was only one way for me, I was in charge, I told every one what to do and I made the big mistakes. After becoming sane, serene and sober by god through AA, I have found out that communication is an art and a four way process which includes asking, telling, listening and understanding. This by applying in my life, I am able to build bridges of understanding with other people. Irony was in the beginning, I could never live up to my own standards for my self. So alcohol filled the space between what I wanted to be and what I really was. When I walked in to the fellowship of AA in 1982, it appeared to me that it was a short time course and it had worked so well to me, that I had reached a sort of heaven right here on earth, but John Barley Corn had other ideas. It was complacency and in turn I was trying to escape life and not mastering it. I was emotionally avoiding hazardous situations usually involving new people, places, time and things, because I could not cope up with life and I was scared that I would get hurt. I was too afraid of life to become involved in living. I always insisted on getting involved at people instead of with them.
I never had the courtesy of allowing others to grow. I was too interfering and argumentative. I did not know those exact me, a sure sign of confusion of self. This is one of the primary reasons, which in no time led me once again in to the urge and hell of uncontrollable drinking. This is a progressive illness and I proved it, and second half of the first step took care of the rest. I was not ready to bring myself to ask for help since I was too sentimental about my hurt pride and insured ego. After repeated relapses I understood there is no possibility of my staying sober, on my own will or strength.
R.R. Sethu.. PI-Chairman, Inter Group Chennai AA INDIA -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do not know if you are new to this Forum, but WELCOME!
Could relate to all you had to say. As a Relaper in this AA Program, I can identify with the Swinging Dooring, that was always there, still open to be coming back over and over and over again.
I could not seem to get rid of my Laundry List of why i had to go back to Using. But by the Grace of God I did make it finally in, threw out my Laundry List, and could see (a Big Light was On and Staying on), That my excuses for returning to Alcohol had NOTHING to do with the details on that List, I got drunk, Because I was a DrunK. So, so simple and So SO Elusive, to my sick thinking.
Glad to see you, and hope to see you again on this Forum,
I just began this Forum 10 days ago, and WOW, just another MIRACLE, I love the name, MIP (Miracles in Progress) No exageration there.
Thanks for your post, it is wonderful how we can connect with each other around the world in AA-
I can relate to growing in AA then struggling and relapsing, then coming back- It is a journey, sometimes hellish, sometimes joyous- but I am glad for the gifts of recovery and service to others.
hi, welcome, and thanks for the share. I know what you mean by 'getting involved at people instead of with them'. I tend to do that too. A lot of it is out of fear of being vulnerable for me.
I look forward to your continued participation on the board.
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Welcome, Glad you are here to share your experience, strength and hope with us. Yes, AA is a great place to learn communication, how to live and let live, and to get out of isolation. Anyway those are a few of the things it has done for me, besides the biggest ,and that is to stay sober today.
