after careful thinking about it, i feel i don't belong on this board.
i am going to stick with the alanon/coda/acoa boards, because , basically my issues are codependency
i came here because i DID, B4 recovery abuse alcohol...i wasn't ready/able to face my demons, so i anesthetized them wiht alcohol and food for that matter...
now??? with 21 months of recovery, i don't do that really.. when i had my crying spell monday night over old pain, i had ONE wine cooler, had NO desire to get drunk as my desire was to WORK THE PROGRAM.....so my action???? called my sponser/ worked the literature, went to a couple of meets....i did the program!!!
i am sorry if i offended any of you being here, i just thought a 12Stepper was a 12Stepper, and because in the past i DID get drunk, DID abuse, i thought i belonged...
those days of abuse, i know in my heart are gone....when my sponser asked me yesterday "what did U do when you calmed down???" and i told her, i threw the rest of the drink away, and went to bed and did the S prayer/ prayed/ meditated adn fell asleep.....she said to me it sounded like i was becomming more and more in the habit of using the program, and it looked to her that bcuz of my ptss, i was just trying to calm down....she asked me if i had gotten drunk in recovery, and i said "yes, in the earlier months, but not since, and have no desire to"....that was the honest truth!!! i just do NOT want to get *wasted*, since i started the program....i downed a wine cooler mon night to calm my nerves....
i am grateful that this program has shifted me from escaping with alcohol and food, i m grateful that i am healing and i will tell you guys one thing!!! i am never never never going OFF the program, because old coda patterns can/probably will come back, and i'll be *medicating* my nerves rather than work the program.......i also know and accept with post trauma stress syndrome, i will always have to have my anti anxiety meds....some weeks i need to take them almost every day.....some weeks, i can go almost a week B4 needing one.....but the fact remains, my nervous system got shattered over this shit that happened to me....B4 i got on meds for it, i drank to keep my panic attacks away...they are the most frightening things you can imagine.....when i get one, i think i am *losing it* i get spacy/ and off balance/ can't feel my limbs very good......the good news is AS I discharge all the intense/ suppressed old emotional pain/ outrage and grief, the attacks are getting better....i can go more days now w/out needing a *rescue* med.....i can even, if it isn't too bad, *talk myself off one* with self talk, and practicing my *being grounded* techniques.....
so i know i am doing better!!!!! i am progressing, a work in progress....and i have hopes of living a healthy / happy life!!!!!
so with that, i'll thank you all for allowing me to be here.....i hope i gave you guys something as you have me....i got a lot out of your shares.....but i guess with me, i am really a coda who , when she had nothing ELSE to comfort her, abused alcohol......i am grateful to God that i have the program/ sponser / steps to apply instead of *numbing it*........
you all take care, and know this!!!!! i was here Bcuz i want help!!!! even though i may be a diferent 12Stepper, i am still a "lifer" in this program....you all have helped me in my *get to know me* journey and i hoped i gave you all something.....i swear , i never ever BS'd any of you, not one bit...i have too much respect for myself to add lying to my list of injuries i am trying to heal.......
love and hugs to all of you......a 12Stepper is a 12Stepper, so i'll always be a part of you all.................
Sorry to see you go, Rosie. I hope what I said was not the reason. I just feel that this board is dedicated to Alcoholics and how it affects/affected us. ( i.e. I'm not an addict, therefore I can not identify with one, etc). ES&H regarding alcohol. I too have many other "icks". Since gettin' sober I've discovered I'm also Passive/Agressive and I have abandoment issues and so much more. Which came first? Alcoholism or the the other "icks"? Don't know, probably never will, but I do know, for me, they ALL go hand in hand.
Please check in once in a while and let me know how you are.
Love in recovery
Doll
-- Edited by Doll at 09:16, 2005-11-09
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
Rosie,I understand why you are leaving the board, the only requirement in AA is a desire to stop drinking.I read the Al-Anon board, very rarely post there, but as I said before I am a triple winner.My father was an alcoholic, I was married to 3 alcoholics. And hey, as we should all know we as alcoholics qualify for Al-Anon because who do we deal with on a daily basis, other alcoholics,and it can get crazy at times. There are times I just want throw up my hands and scream, so that's when I get out the "Courage To Change" or "Hope For Today" .
Rosie, I think you are doing great, you went through so much and you are still here to share your experience, strength and hope, good for you my friend.12 Steppers all use the same steps but apply them to different situations. They lead us all to become recovered, whole people. You will be hearing from me .
B4 i got on meds for it, i drank to keep my panic attacks away...they are the most frightening things you can imagine.....when i get one, i think i am *losing it* i get spacy/ and off balance/ can't feel my limbs very good.
I know that feeling all too well. It will go away eventually if you can isolate the cause.
best of luck to you, I hope everything works out.
Chris.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
Rosie, you have been an inspiration to me on both boards. There are many of us who have 'dual diagnosis' of whatever else and an alcohol problem. No one else can tell you whether you belong here or not. It is not a 'closed' meeting or board. Closed means no one else but 'official' alcoholics can participate. As for who is an alcoholic, no one else can tell anyone else that either. If you drank to escape, or medicate, or whatever other reason than for a nice normal social drink as part of a dinner or occasion in which you stayed sober and you think it was a problem that might recur and get worse,, then you belong here. Some of us find that we have more 'afinity' or can relate better to one group than to others. Although my parents and grandparent were alcoholic, and so was my spouse, I find that I relate better to other alcoholics in AA than to the people in alanon. Others find that they can relate better to Adult Children of Alcoholics than to other alcoholics.
Thank you for showing us your strength and hope in the struggles you have shared with us in your recovery journey. I'm very glad that you can see the progress you have made in a rather short time. See you in the other room.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
