I finally started dragging may ass to meetings and boy what a difference! I don't know how or why sitting in musty church basements and stuffy Legion Halls listening to other drunks yak about stuff works but it does. I've also been introducing myself as someone coming back/beginner and participating with the clean up and that makes a difference too. People are more inclined to approach me, welcome be back, ask how I'm doing, etc... and I don't feel like so much of a useless twit just standing around after a meeting with my finger up my ass waiting for someone to notice me.
I detest organized religion and equate most "spiritual" people with "wackos" but I am not so foolish as believe that with our limited understanding of the universe human beings are aware of all the forces at work in our world. Everything has a purpose, everything has a plan, nothing in nature survives without it. I don't know the plan that the forces that drive the universe have for me but I do know it's more than being a degenerate drunk slumped over a bar drinking away my dignity, self respect and hope one espresso martini at a time. So basically I am putting my faith and trust in the belief there is something greater and that we don't know shit.
...and that ladies and gentleman is how this atheist has come to terms with his higher power.
Hey Tipsy, You're looking and sounding better already. I heard somewhere the program of AA works if you work it. Have you got to know any one yet you might ask to be your sponsor?
Oddly enough on my way to my first meeting I decided that I was going to find a temporary sponser that night no matter what. I had planned that I would seek out someone who seemed like a no-nonsense, take no bullshit kind of guy who wouldn't let me manipulate them in any way shape or form. It was a big meeting and when I got there I immediately ran into an old AA acquaintance named from years ago who had actually stuck with the program and had 4 years clean. Earl is an extremely intelligent, take no BS, kinda guy...and I'm sort of afraid of him. So now Earl is my temporary sponser. Yeah :(
Seriously though, what are the odds that at my first meeting I would run into someone I already know who's exactly the ball breaking personality type that I was planning to force into being my temp sponser? There was a least 150 people there and I didn't know anyone except Earl, and I hadn't seen Earl in years...pretty creepy higher power coincidence huh!
I found myself newly back as well... when I was drinking/using again, I had many days and nights of wanting to be sober, but it was like trying to stop a runaway train...
So I am very grateful to have six days today, and I too have found it astonishing how much love there is in the people in AA, and how they welcome us back. What a contrast...
I also did not buy into religion, in spite of (or maybe because of) my father being a minister, although I considered myself as an agnostic. I went from being uncertain if there was anything behind this universe, to leaning harder toward atheism, then back to leaning toward the Bible version of things. I have dabbled in Bahai, Budhism, Zen Budhism, Taoism and early native american religion (one with nature- mother earth/father sky), and have delved as deeply into maths and sciences (particularly physics) as my meager mind would allow, in search of answers.
I am still pretty much a blend of all those influences, except that I also have come to believe that we are pretty small, and the very universe itself is a force which goes far beyond what we puny mortals have the capacity to comprehend. As much as I could gather from my layman's grasp of the writings of Albert Einstein, and Stephen Hawking on Physics is that there are parallel universes, and that there are hidden dimensions within our own. I also learned that what we perceive of as reality, is just that, our perception.
Finally, I have learned that there is great risk in "deism" and in "atheism". The risk in believing in a God, is that any of us may decide on our own that we have been selected to run things for Him as His personal representative here on earth. The risk of being atheist, is that after determining that there is no God, we decide that it is up to us to fill the position.
PS. And a welcome to Joel. Keep coming back friend. You will find, as Tipsy and I have, that the nice folks here have interesting, thought provoking, helpful things to share. More importantly, you will find that they care enough about you to tell you what you need to hear (with a pat on the back, and/or kick in the arse, as is needed)!
Coincidence is your Higher Power's way of remaining anonymous.
I'm so glad you are getting what you need from the meetings...a belief in God is NOT a requirement for membership, thank God, or they would've never let me in. That understanding came as a result of working the steps.
