My years in Al-Anon made me aware that I need to be careful about how I hear and interpret certain words. Consider "defects of character" and "shortcomings," which are found in Steps Six and Seven respectively. I came into Al-Anon believing I was responsible for bad things that happened and that I was "bad" or "defective." Years of meetings have led me to think otherwise. I now view my problem areas as survival skills that served me well while I was growing up. Now they work against me, preventing me from living a serene life. Today I have Al-Anon and its tools to thrive, not just survive. I can also run into problems with the words "searching and fearless" in Step Four. To cope with the blaming and criticism in my home, I became a perfectionist. It's all too easy for me to interpret "searching and fearless" as "perfect." Then I end up frozen with fear, thinking I have to take the perfect inventory, which by my somewhat still twisted standards would mean inventorying every single, tiny word and action I had ever committed during my lifetime. I could drive myself insane!
#######ROSIE....to me?? defects was a upsetting word for me.....i was called a *defect* by my abuser......shortcommings??? yeah, i can accept that because i have come to believe in /accept that i am *perfectly imperfect* so that isn't too bad.....my *survival tools* were born out of horrific abuse....my inner child had to *crawl into me* in order for us to not die...not go nuts...so yes, i developed some traits that i no longer need now....they sabotage me now...the walls, the isolating....the fear.....need to be in control.....the *don't trust anything/anyone* in those days , they served their purpose of keeping me from just being hurt/ abused so bad, that i would belly up........the fantasy was my escape from my hell......the *getting out of my body--disassociating with my body* was helping me to cope with the trauma ......now i need to get rid of these things.....AS i FORGIVE ME for having developed them.......and other shortcommings.....and i shall or at LEAST manage them....some of them are so deep seated, i am having a hell of a time with them (self critic....being in my body...control) but i am PROGRESSING.........i want MORE than just survival of life...there HAS to be more!!!!! like a salmon swimming upstream, i keep swimming in the program, i am focused/ determined/ swimming against the currents, to reach my happiness.......as far as inventory, i just looked at the *why do i do these things now??* why am i sabotaging me NOW???? i cannot think of every little tiny thing from day one of my life, it would be impossible....i t rust my HP to reveal to me WHAT i need to address....do the steps on.....and most of all, i don't treat it as though i am on trial and facing execution....i am just a soul who was horribly wounded and i love and respect myself for CARING enough to address my crap instead of perpetuating it!! passing it along!!! i give me kudos for BEING HERE.....working this stuff and no matter WHAT i find about me, i am going to treat myself with compassion and forgiveness......
It helped when a member reminded me that when a grocer takes an inventory, he or she inventories what stock is on the shelves *today*, not what was on the shelves yesterday or the day before. That idea makes my inventory seem much more manageable. All I need to do is consider the things about myself that are bothering me and getting in the way of my growth, just for today. Thought for the Day Paying attention to how I listen, and how I interpret what I hear, can aid my recovery. "If I can get my mind off my own problems and really listen ...I'll learn a lot more today ..." *Alateen -- a day at a time*, p. 227
######ROSIE....yes, what are my issues TODAY????? start with the big things, the *need to address now's* and work my way back........inventory scared me too , at first, but when i REvisited it, i saw a lot of good.......i just look at "ok, what is sabotaging me and my being a magnet for my good???" i "keep it simple" "just for today".......i trust in my HP to reveal to me AS needed, what i have to address and to work on......i am committed to healing.....committed to being free of the darkness.....i am just going to have BLIND faith that i am going where i need to go....doing what i need to do.....the willingness/ commitment/ openess within me, opens me up to be a channel for my HP to work THROUGH me.....thank you DONE
